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Twords the end they advocate taking responsibility for getting the kind of support you need which is key: > Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they

Twords the end they advocate taking responsibility for getting the kind of support you need which is key: > Don’t make them guess. Don’t wait to see what they do. Tell them what you want. > "Honey, I’d like to vent about something. I’m not looking for advice. Could you just hear me out and try to understand?” > Or, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about a problem. Could you give me some advice about what you think I could do?” Often times couples will blame the other for "not being a good listener" or "not helping" but it usually starts with not being clear about what you're wanting the other person to do. When you set your partner up for success by telling them what you're going for, they can usually be more successful.

teilo 8y ago
In my experience, the real issue is a paradigm gap. The one partner honestly thinks the other should be able to divine their intent, and blames them when they cannot. Their minds are in very different places, and bridging that gap is often nearly impossible. In other words, it is just as ineffective to tell a low-EQ person to show more support as it is to tell a high-EQ person to please make their intent clearly known. You are asking them to do something they are unwilling or unable to do, often for deeply emotional reasons. Even the asking itself, however gently it is done, angers them, because they take it as a personal offense. In their minds, the request itself is a demonstration of a lack of support and an uncaring attitude. Of course, that's not true. The person who provides information perceives this as support, as how to show they care. What is the solution? Simply put: patient perseverance. It can take years for a relationship to overcome this gap. But it can happen, and both parties are better off for it. But it doesn't happen often because the relationship usually breaks up beforehand.

teilo 8y ago

In my experience, the real issue is a paradigm gap. The one partner honestly thinks the other should be able to divine their intent, and blames them when they cannot. Their minds are in very different places, and bridging that gap is often nearly impossible. In other words, it is just as ineffective to tell a low-EQ person to show more support as it is to tell a high-EQ person to please make their intent clearly known. You are asking them to do something they are unwilling or unable to do, often for deeply emotional reasons. Even the asking itself, however gently it is done, angers them, because they take it as a personal offense. In their minds, the request itself is a demonstration of a lack of support and an uncaring attitude. Of course, that's not true. The person who provides information perceives this as support, as how to show they care. What is the solution? Simply put: patient perseverance. It can take years for a relationship to overcome this gap. But it can happen, and both parties are better off for it. But it doesn't happen often because the relationship usually breaks up beforehand.