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You're ignoring that the solution is to listen and absorb and not offer some way to 'fix' the issue. It seems like a solution-oriented individual should feel c

You're ignoring that the solution is to listen and absorb and not offer some way to 'fix' the issue. It seems like a solution-oriented individual should feel comfortable offering that solution.

gedy 8y ago
And perhaps you're ignoring that some people give emotional support by analyzing and offering some way to fix the issue? Many people when they don't care, they wouldn't bother trying.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
greenhatman 8y ago
I'm solidly in the camp of "change what you can and accept what you can't." I don't want moaning about things that I can't change.
colanderman 8y ago
Or the "solution" is for people who have issues but don't want help fixing them not to vent to people who don't have the patience for that. Listening to woe -- especially woe stemming from problems with easy solutions -- is emotionally draining. Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved ones and compromise.
- steve_musk 8y ago
  In a lot of cases the person complaining is usually a loved one.
  - colanderman 8y ago
    So is the person one is complaining to. If the person you habitually complain to consistently offers informational rather than emotional support, it's likely that they do so because they lack the capacity to simply absorb your emotional outporing. Consider that, regardless of how much they care for you, they may not be capable of significantly developing this ability. If that is the case, the advice the article offers is unhelpful, and the relationship would be better served by the complainer finding another outlet for their emotional stress, or learning to accept well-intentioned advice.
- wavefunction 8y ago
  Again I think you're ignoring the actual solution. Relationships are not 50/50 compromises. They're a dance of compromises in favor of one party or another at different times. You've got to decide as an individual if the balance is acceptable and I can't say that you seem very giving from your posts. Again, that's a choice and your right but don't expect reality to conform to your desires because it rarely will.
  - colanderman 8y ago
    And I could say the same for your posts, which posit a single problem and solution ("the actual solution" -- lol!) as if that is what they are. I'm the one who pointed out the ridiculousness of favoring one personality by default and suggested that compromise and understanding your partner is the name of the game -- and you dare say I'm unaccommodating? Exactly as you said, relationships are a complex negotiation. Claiming that inability to simply sit and listen to solvable troubles is "the problem" is unhelpful. It is SOMETIMES the problem -- probably more often than not -- but sometimes people just whine too much and are too full of themselves to accept much needed help and it's unhelpful to blame the listener for not wanting to sit through that emotionally draining experience every day of their life.
    - dwaltrip 8y ago
      It sounds like you are talking about people who have significant issues regulating their emotions. I definitely agree those situations are much more difficult. Sometimes, if possible, the winning move is to not play. Perhaps you could have explicitly stated your context in the beginning, as it seems most others were assuming two relatively well-adjusted individuals.
      - colanderman 8y ago
        Yes, sorry, I should have made that clear. I'm the "informational" type and learned long ago to just listen to complaints, especially from casual acquaintances. But I've also met my fair share of people who willingly dump some pretty serious issues on me -- issues that are within their power, if not their will, to fix -- and my inability to be the emotional sponge these individuals seek is emphatically not a problem with me, or with anyone else in that situation.

You're ignoring that the solution is to listen and absorb and not offer some way to 'fix' the issue. It seems like a solution-oriented individual should feel comfortable offering that solution.

gedy 8y ago

And perhaps you're ignoring that some people give emotional support by analyzing and offering some way to fix the issue? Many people when they don't care, they wouldn't bother trying.

deleted 8y ago
[deleted]

greenhatman 8y ago

I'm solidly in the camp of "change what you can and accept what you can't." I don't want moaning about things that I can't change.

colanderman 8y ago

Or the "solution" is for people who have issues but don't want help fixing them not to vent to people who don't have the patience for that. Listening to woe -- especially woe stemming from problems with easy solutions -- is emotionally draining. Like the GP said, it's a two-way street. Understand your friends and loved ones and compromise.

steve_musk 8y ago
In a lot of cases the person complaining is usually a loved one.
- colanderman 8y ago
  So is the person one is complaining to. If the person you habitually complain to consistently offers informational rather than emotional support, it's likely that they do so because they lack the capacity to simply absorb your emotional outporing. Consider that, regardless of how much they care for you, they may not be capable of significantly developing this ability. If that is the case, the advice the article offers is unhelpful, and the relationship would be better served by the complainer finding another outlet for their emotional stress, or learning to accept well-intentioned advice.
wavefunction 8y ago
Again I think you're ignoring the actual solution. Relationships are not 50/50 compromises. They're a dance of compromises in favor of one party or another at different times. You've got to decide as an individual if the balance is acceptable and I can't say that you seem very giving from your posts. Again, that's a choice and your right but don't expect reality to conform to your desires because it rarely will.
- colanderman 8y ago
  And I could say the same for your posts, which posit a single problem and solution ("the actual solution" -- lol!) as if that is what they are. I'm the one who pointed out the ridiculousness of favoring one personality by default and suggested that compromise and understanding your partner is the name of the game -- and you dare say I'm unaccommodating? Exactly as you said, relationships are a complex negotiation. Claiming that inability to simply sit and listen to solvable troubles is "the problem" is unhelpful. It is SOMETIMES the problem -- probably more often than not -- but sometimes people just whine too much and are too full of themselves to accept much needed help and it's unhelpful to blame the listener for not wanting to sit through that emotionally draining experience every day of their life.
  - dwaltrip 8y ago
    It sounds like you are talking about people who have significant issues regulating their emotions. I definitely agree those situations are much more difficult. Sometimes, if possible, the winning move is to not play. Perhaps you could have explicitly stated your context in the beginning, as it seems most others were assuming two relatively well-adjusted individuals.
    - colanderman 8y ago
      Yes, sorry, I should have made that clear. I'm the "informational" type and learned long ago to just listen to complaints, especially from casual acquaintances. But I've also met my fair share of people who willingly dump some pretty serious issues on me -- issues that are within their power, if not their will, to fix -- and my inability to be the emotional sponge these individuals seek is emphatically not a problem with me, or with anyone else in that situation.