4 ms·

Celebrating a ten year anniversary with my wife next week. I’m happy to report I have learned to change my behavior in this respect over the years. I listen now

Celebrating a ten year anniversary with my wife next week. I’m happy to report I have learned to change my behavior in this respect over the years. I listen now rather than do what I did before: receive input, analyze, identify issues, formulate potential solutions and offer options and resolutions. It’s actually so much more relaxing for me too.

craftyguy 8y ago
What you described is offering informational support.
- jv22222 8y ago
  I the op missed a "than" in the sentence and what they mean is they only listen and do not do those other things. i.e: "now rather <than> input"
  - ajeet_dhaliwal 8y ago
    Thank you, fixed it.
  - craftyguy 8y ago
    Yep, and now my comment based on GP's comment before edit (done after my comment) dies in a fire. Such is the HN way.
    - hutzlibu 8y ago
      Have some upvotes then ... btw. is a Upvote informational or emotional Support? I think, both?
- syspec 8y ago
  i believe they meant: i listen now, rather than
tedmiston 8y ago
This is all too real for me too. I have commonly made the mistake of offering solutions in response to discussion of the girlfriend's problems when in reality most of the time she isn't looking for solutions and just wants someone to listen, hear it all out, and empathize. It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.
- 40four 8y ago
  > It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. I couldn't agree with this more. I have struggled with this myself recently in my relationship, so I'm glad to see this article here. I'd say it's a safe bet that a much higher percentage of people who frequent HN, compared to the general population, are in the same boat. It's the reason many of us are drawn to programming/ engineering. Emotions are of much less value to our brains/ personalities than logic. I think it will be one of the greatest hurdles for us to having a lasting, happy relationship.
  - tboughen 8y ago
    If my wife or I fail to communicate that we want emotional, rather than informational, support we just say “It’s not about the nail” and the other instantly understands. The short video this idea is from: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
    - 40four 8y ago
      Yeah, that skit is great! I like the idea off having a phrase, or inside joke to communicate this to each other.

craftyguy 8y ago

What you described is offering informational support.

jv22222 8y ago
I the op missed a "than" in the sentence and what they mean is they only listen and do not do those other things. i.e: "now rather <than> input"
- ajeet_dhaliwal 8y ago
  Thank you, fixed it.
- craftyguy 8y ago
  Yep, and now my comment based on GP's comment before edit (done after my comment) dies in a fire. Such is the HN way.
  - hutzlibu 8y ago
    Have some upvotes then ... btw. is a Upvote informational or emotional Support? I think, both?
syspec 8y ago
i believe they meant: i listen now, rather than

tedmiston 8y ago

This is all too real for me too. I have commonly made the mistake of offering solutions in response to discussion of the girlfriend's problems when in reality most of the time she isn't looking for solutions and just wants someone to listen, hear it all out, and empathize. It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. It's still unnatural for me to turn this mode off and listen without trying to solve. In my head I am probably still trying to solve at least a bit but not vocalizing that, at least in the moment.

40four 8y ago
> It's a challenging situation for an engineer's brain that defaults to problem solving mode. I couldn't agree with this more. I have struggled with this myself recently in my relationship, so I'm glad to see this article here. I'd say it's a safe bet that a much higher percentage of people who frequent HN, compared to the general population, are in the same boat. It's the reason many of us are drawn to programming/ engineering. Emotions are of much less value to our brains/ personalities than logic. I think it will be one of the greatest hurdles for us to having a lasting, happy relationship.
- tboughen 8y ago
  If my wife or I fail to communicate that we want emotional, rather than informational, support we just say “It’s not about the nail” and the other instantly understands. The short video this idea is from: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg
  - 40four 8y ago
    Yeah, that skit is great! I like the idea off having a phrase, or inside joke to communicate this to each other.