Look: You need a counselor. A real one, not a pseudonymous virtual person. Please try to find one. Please do not try to get counseling by asking for it at rando

Look: You need a counselor. A real one, not a pseudonymous virtual person. Please try to find one. Please do not try to get counseling by asking for it at random on the Web, as you are doing now. Not because I mind or anything, but because it is really risky. It is an utterly lousy medium for counseling, and you are at serious risk. Take your problem more seriously. I like all that you have done so far, but it sounds like you are not out of the woods quite yet. Depression is a serious disease that many people fail to take seriously. If you were having heart attack symptoms and you asked me for advice I wouldn't sit here advising over the Internet; I'd tell you to seek local medical advice. And here I must do the same. It would be irresponsible to do otherwise.