5 ms·

I often wonder whether this has a lot to do with how we treat our kids. I often catch myself acting uninterested in my daughter's interests (she's two and often

I often wonder whether this has a lot to do with how we treat our kids. I often catch myself acting uninterested in my daughter's interests (she's two and often wants to show me things for the 50th time that were pretty boring in the first place.) She doesn't have any attention or behavioral issues in general, but I was amazed when a friend of mine came to visit who is an early music educator. They didn't do anything music related, but watching her interact with my daughter was eye-opening. She was very present and respectful with regards to my daughter's interests and what my daughter wanted to do. I guess more or less she treated my daughter more or less like an adult. Thinking about it, it's so easy to be flippant or dismissive about what our kids are doing or are interested in without even noticing. I was really amazed to see how much my daughter reciprocated the attention and my friend was able to get her to pay attention to this or that or be much more engaged than I usually can. This is obviously a very small sample, but it really made me think about the ways that we don't treat our children like adults (and how maybe they act like children because we treat them that way.)

usaphp 8y ago
> She was very present and respectful with regards to my daughter's interests and what my daughter wanted to do. I am sure if she came over to your place for 50+ times she would also act different than the first time. I think It’s ok to be bored with a 2 year old request to show the same book or the same picture over and over and over again.
- ryan-allen 8y ago
  Or Fortnite, or Minecraft. I'm not sure how to solve for this, but I'm trying to instill that conversations and interactions have to be two way, so just because "you are interested in X" doesn't mean that talking at someone over and over about things they are not interested in isn't a way to foster satisfying interactions for all parties involved. A parent might placate and be always "oh that's so interesting!", but their peers? Their peers might ignore them leaving the kid confused as to the response.
  - imesh 8y ago
    I don't think it's something you have to solve, it will happen naturally. All kids do this and most tend to stop by adulthood.
    - jaggederest 8y ago
      It's also usually not the thing itself that they are valuing. It's the interaction. She wants you to read the same book to her because she knows that you do the voices and act it out and she gets to interact. That's the point. If you ask them, they'll tell you what they value. You don't have to think your way around them, they know, even by the time they're 3 or so. People have desires, and they can tell you what they are, with some help and elicitation.
      - ryan-allen 8y ago
        Hm, I obviously don't get this kid thing. I'll try harder!
dreadpirateryan 8y ago
Treating your child with adult-like respect is one of the principles of RIE parenting. Worth reading more about, if you want to learn more about different parenting styles.
samplesizeme 8y ago
My perspective shifted over time as I watched children become teens, then adults, and marvelling at how I thought of them changed. It sounds lame, but I came to think of kids a people too vs just children. As in they are adults whose brains haven't finished wiring themselves and they deserve not just to be treated with respect, but also to be thought of respectfully. It's obvious to me now, I mean I can remember how some adults treated me all the way back to 3 yrs old or so. I'm that kid, just older.
- Mutangama 8y ago
  I was just explaining what you have said to someone two weeks ago! Am actually a Sunday school teacher. If you treat the kids as you would other people I think you help improve "the wiring". They become mature and intelligent faster than their friends who are treated as lesser humans.
icc97 8y ago
> I often catch myself acting uninterested in my daughter's interests I read a book that talk about how to improve on this [0], when ever my 5yo daughter shows me some of her drawings I try to take notice of some detail and comment on it, not just say 'that's nice dear'. She draws masses and masses of pictures of stick girls in dresses, but I always try to find some detail that she's done different. We often draw or paint together, maybe once or twice a week. The last time we did it, I painted a picture of a boat on the sea, she painted a space portal that takes you to another world. [0]: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/769016.How_to_Talk_So_Kids_Will_Listen_Listen_So_Kids_Will_Talk https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/769016.How_to_Talk_So_Ki...
burntrelish1273 8y ago
Reciprocity of being interested, by example, FTW. Makes sense to model and ensource behavior If I get amped up, I become a firehose of consciousness tangents ADD-I but it's usually better to chill, listen and only say what's most important than no-filter crunk-tired.
zasz 8y ago
Well, it sounds like in the Mayan village, a kid would have the opportunity to run off and interact with someone else, or do something else, a lot more easily than in an American suburb or city. I don't think we can conclude from the NPR article that the Mayan mothers actually have to put up with looking at the same thing 50 times. It sounds like Mayan children have a lot more physical space to explore, and a lot more other children nearby.
2muchcoffeeman 8y ago
It surprises me how much this sort of behaviour towards children still goes on. I remember being a kid and how people would be disinterested in you beyond anything superficial. I often wonder how much of this effected my later behaviour.
- phnofive 8y ago
  Speaking personally, it taught me a combination of self awareness (no one is as interested as you are in the thing you are or for the same reasons; don’t spend so much effort trying to change their minds you lose your own passion) and empathy (trying to get interested in the things others are may grow something between you).
dalbasal 8y ago
An indirect way of encouraging this is including kids in what you are doing, as opposed to engineering activities for them. A lot of kids' world these days is an artificial reality, made for them. School, soccer, art class, play dates. The reason the activity exists is to give kids an experience. We're not interested in it, because it's kid stuff. When I was a kid, some of the most formative activities were fishing, sheep farming & vegetables gardening (grandparents on a farm), home repair jobs like painting or brickwork. When I was very small (2-4), if my parents were painting a room, I was also in old clothes with a paintbrush "helping". Same with spring cleaning or whatnot. I had a little hammer I could bang, to help my dad assemble IKEA furniture. You don't have to conciously "engage" in their stuff, just let them engage in your stuff.
- semi-extrinsic 8y ago
  1. Go to Home Depot or similar. 2. Buy a small hammer, a box of brad nails, and raid the wood cutoff container. Total cost $20. 3. Give these things to your kid. 4. ??? 5. Profit
  - dalbasal 8y ago
    Until about age 6 I didn't understand about nails. I thought I was being helpful with just the hammering. Then I went through an uncanny valley period where I was too young and uncoordinated to use nails, but too smart to be kept busy with pointless hammering.
    - nkrisc 8y ago
      A couple bruised thumbs usually sorts out the coordination rather quickly. That's how I learned.
- Ntrails 8y ago
  > When I was very small (2-4), if my parents were painting a room, I was also in old clothes with a paintbrush "helping". Same with spring cleaning or whatnot. One of my favourite childhood photos is me mowing the lawn (with a plastic "bubble spewing" lawnmower). A thing I used to walk behind my father as he mowed the lawn. It never really had the soap to make bubbles in it. Didn't care about that. I was helping
melbourne_mat 8y ago
If she goes on and on about the same thing, to me that seems like she wants your approval. Give it but also try to gently direct her to do something different?
ycombinete 8y ago
The inverse of this, of course is the danger raising children who expect everyone to be amazed and engaged with every little thing they do or achieve.
- Mutangama 8y ago
  Good point. I think all these engagements have to be done with an eye into the future personality of the child. My friend works with a girl who expects everything to be done for her (including asking the security lady to get two frozen chickens from the office fridge to her car). So should kids be treated the same way different people would treat them in life (with the exception of being abusive of course).

usaphp 8y ago

> She was very present and respectful with regards to my daughter's interests and what my daughter wanted to do. I am sure if she came over to your place for 50+ times she would also act different than the first time. I think It’s ok to be bored with a 2 year old request to show the same book or the same picture over and over and over again.

ryan-allen 8y ago
Or Fortnite, or Minecraft. I'm not sure how to solve for this, but I'm trying to instill that conversations and interactions have to be two way, so just because "you are interested in X" doesn't mean that talking at someone over and over about things they are not interested in isn't a way to foster satisfying interactions for all parties involved. A parent might placate and be always "oh that's so interesting!", but their peers? Their peers might ignore them leaving the kid confused as to the response.
- imesh 8y ago
  I don't think it's something you have to solve, it will happen naturally. All kids do this and most tend to stop by adulthood.
  - jaggederest 8y ago
    It's also usually not the thing itself that they are valuing. It's the interaction. She wants you to read the same book to her because she knows that you do the voices and act it out and she gets to interact. That's the point. If you ask them, they'll tell you what they value. You don't have to think your way around them, they know, even by the time they're 3 or so. People have desires, and they can tell you what they are, with some help and elicitation.
    - ryan-allen 8y ago
      Hm, I obviously don't get this kid thing. I'll try harder!

dreadpirateryan 8y ago

Treating your child with adult-like respect is one of the principles of RIE parenting. Worth reading more about, if you want to learn more about different parenting styles.

samplesizeme 8y ago

My perspective shifted over time as I watched children become teens, then adults, and marvelling at how I thought of them changed. It sounds lame, but I came to think of kids a people too vs just children. As in they are adults whose brains haven't finished wiring themselves and they deserve not just to be treated with respect, but also to be thought of respectfully. It's obvious to me now, I mean I can remember how some adults treated me all the way back to 3 yrs old or so. I'm that kid, just older.

Mutangama 8y ago
I was just explaining what you have said to someone two weeks ago! Am actually a Sunday school teacher. If you treat the kids as you would other people I think you help improve "the wiring". They become mature and intelligent faster than their friends who are treated as lesser humans.

icc97 8y ago

> I often catch myself acting uninterested in my daughter's interests I read a book that talk about how to improve on this [0], when ever my 5yo daughter shows me some of her drawings I try to take notice of some detail and comment on it, not just say 'that's nice dear'. She draws masses and masses of pictures of stick girls in dresses, but I always try to find some detail that she's done different. We often draw or paint together, maybe once or twice a week. The last time we did it, I painted a picture of a boat on the sea, she painted a space portal that takes you to another world. [0]: https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/769016.How_to_Talk_So_Kids_Will_Listen_Listen_So_Kids_Will_Talk https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/769016.How_to_Talk_So_Ki...

burntrelish1273 8y ago

Reciprocity of being interested, by example, FTW. Makes sense to model and ensource behavior If I get amped up, I become a firehose of consciousness tangents ADD-I but it's usually better to chill, listen and only say what's most important than no-filter crunk-tired.

zasz 8y ago

Well, it sounds like in the Mayan village, a kid would have the opportunity to run off and interact with someone else, or do something else, a lot more easily than in an American suburb or city. I don't think we can conclude from the NPR article that the Mayan mothers actually have to put up with looking at the same thing 50 times. It sounds like Mayan children have a lot more physical space to explore, and a lot more other children nearby.

2muchcoffeeman 8y ago

It surprises me how much this sort of behaviour towards children still goes on. I remember being a kid and how people would be disinterested in you beyond anything superficial. I often wonder how much of this effected my later behaviour.

phnofive 8y ago
Speaking personally, it taught me a combination of self awareness (no one is as interested as you are in the thing you are or for the same reasons; don’t spend so much effort trying to change their minds you lose your own passion) and empathy (trying to get interested in the things others are may grow something between you).

dalbasal 8y ago

An indirect way of encouraging this is including kids in what you are doing, as opposed to engineering activities for them. A lot of kids' world these days is an artificial reality, made for them. School, soccer, art class, play dates. The reason the activity exists is to give kids an experience. We're not interested in it, because it's kid stuff. When I was a kid, some of the most formative activities were fishing, sheep farming & vegetables gardening (grandparents on a farm), home repair jobs like painting or brickwork. When I was very small (2-4), if my parents were painting a room, I was also in old clothes with a paintbrush "helping". Same with spring cleaning or whatnot. I had a little hammer I could bang, to help my dad assemble IKEA furniture. You don't have to conciously "engage" in their stuff, just let them engage in your stuff.

semi-extrinsic 8y ago
1. Go to Home Depot or similar. 2. Buy a small hammer, a box of brad nails, and raid the wood cutoff container. Total cost $20. 3. Give these things to your kid. 4. ??? 5. Profit
- dalbasal 8y ago
  Until about age 6 I didn't understand about nails. I thought I was being helpful with just the hammering. Then I went through an uncanny valley period where I was too young and uncoordinated to use nails, but too smart to be kept busy with pointless hammering.
  - nkrisc 8y ago
    A couple bruised thumbs usually sorts out the coordination rather quickly. That's how I learned.
Ntrails 8y ago
> When I was very small (2-4), if my parents were painting a room, I was also in old clothes with a paintbrush "helping". Same with spring cleaning or whatnot. One of my favourite childhood photos is me mowing the lawn (with a plastic "bubble spewing" lawnmower). A thing I used to walk behind my father as he mowed the lawn. It never really had the soap to make bubbles in it. Didn't care about that. I was helping

melbourne_mat 8y ago

If she goes on and on about the same thing, to me that seems like she wants your approval. Give it but also try to gently direct her to do something different?

ycombinete 8y ago

The inverse of this, of course is the danger raising children who expect everyone to be amazed and engaged with every little thing they do or achieve.

Mutangama 8y ago
Good point. I think all these engagements have to be done with an eye into the future personality of the child. My friend works with a girl who expects everything to be done for her (including asking the security lady to get two frozen chickens from the office fridge to her car). So should kids be treated the same way different people would treat them in life (with the exception of being abusive of course).