5 ms·

Out of curiosity, what were your feelings like towards your dad at this time? Was there a lot of fear around him? Did you "like" him?

seibelj 8y ago
My parents divorced when I was 10, and now my dad is married to his third wife. Age has mellowed him and his third wife has whipped him into a more submissive role, which was a good change in his personality. I don’t hate my dad, he is a flawed man but I love him. We both like NFL, boxing, and movies so we talk a lot about that. My brother is mostly estranged from my dad and they talk rarely, but we all do get together most thanksgivings.
- Kluny 8y ago
  So his methods worked, but it damaged his relationships with his kids. Seems too high a price to pay.
  - inimino 8y ago
    Seems too snap a judgment to make.
- colecut 8y ago
  This reminds me a lot of my dad growing up. He was very stern, the disciplinarian, he divorced my mom when I was 11.. We have the best relationship we've ever had now, but as a child I was thankful he moved away.
wolco 8y ago
Raising a child and being liked are two different agendas and at times are at odds. Best advice don't be your child's friend be parent plenty of peers who can be friends but none that can be parents.
- colecut 8y ago
  I have an 8 year old son, and I think I do a pretty good job of being stern / enforcing rules while also ensuring him that he is liked and loved.. There is definitely a balance in there, "not being his friend" I think is too far to one side... I just don't let being his friend prevent me from holding him to a certain expectation.
  - nickserv 8y ago
    To me, a friend is an equal, and someone you can count on. My sons are not my equals, and I'm not their friend. This doesn't mean I don't show love or affection, just that I don't expect the same kind of support from them as I do my friends. I also don't order my friends around from time to time ;-) However I hope in the future we be friends, when I don't need to wipe their ass or provide food and shelter.
    - colecut 8y ago
      I would agree on the wiping ass part, it's hard to be friends until then.. but I have a 40 year old brother who still barely provides his own food and shelter so good luck with that part =) I think of "friend" as someone you enjoy spending free time with and are willing/open to confiding in
      - nickserv 8y ago
        Thanks for the warning. This is why we made 2 ;-)
    - deadmetheny 8y ago
      This is a good sentiment to have. My dad was my dad until I left home for university - he loved us and provided for us but also was the authority and disciplinarian when necessary. Now that I've got my independence and my own household, my relationship with my dad is far more like one of friendship, alongside my trust in him as a mentor or life advisor, if I feel like I need that kind of advice. I feel like it's been integral for my development as a person and value our relationship immensely.
eeeuo 8y ago
As someone who grew up in a working class environment in which mostly everyone had "flawed"(lol) fathers, I've found that there's a big distinction in the structure of the discipline. The parents for whom crossing a line resulted in verbal/physical abuse but were otherwise fine tend to have good relationships with their kids. While the punishment is much more severe than it would be in other families, there's a clear logical structure that a child can understand. When I was younger I would say stuff like "My dad hit us sometimes when we were being dumb, but otherwise he was great". However, I've long learned that people that grew up in the middle/upper class don't want to hear statements like that and get extremely uncomfortable, so I now leave it at "my childhood was good". On the other hand, the people I knew growing up that had a father that was arbitrary with their anger tend to have non-existing/bad relationships with their fathers. I'd see situations where the father would tell their son to do X, son would respond that they've finished X already, father would lose their temper and scream at them to do X again, which made no sense. When you do that, you're not teaching a lesson or imposing any structure, you're just teaching your son that you're an asshole. Unsurprisingly, these children grow up with extreme resentment towards their fathers that has lasted into adulthood.
- BirdieNZ 8y ago
  The last time I read some studies on the subject of physical discipline, the conclusion was closely aligned with what you observed. Children who were physically disciplined but understood their parents loved them and had a consistent approach to the discipline had no negative long-term effects from the discipline, whereas those who were arbitrarily "disciplined" (really, just abuse if it's arbitrary) or didn't have an understanding of their parents' love for them had significant negative effects from the abuse.
- st26 8y ago
  My dad hit us sometimes when we were being dumb, but otherwise he was great People possibly react strangely to that for a few additional reasons? - Culturally now, "hit" can refer to anything all the way up to criminal domestic violence, blunt weapons, and hospital visits. - Kids routinely cover for their parents, even when they are the second kind- the kind that just lose their temper, beat their children unconscious, etc. Less vague terms like "spanked", "slapped", etc might cause milder reactions...

seibelj 8y ago

My parents divorced when I was 10, and now my dad is married to his third wife. Age has mellowed him and his third wife has whipped him into a more submissive role, which was a good change in his personality. I don’t hate my dad, he is a flawed man but I love him. We both like NFL, boxing, and movies so we talk a lot about that. My brother is mostly estranged from my dad and they talk rarely, but we all do get together most thanksgivings.

Kluny 8y ago
So his methods worked, but it damaged his relationships with his kids. Seems too high a price to pay.
- inimino 8y ago
  Seems too snap a judgment to make.
colecut 8y ago
This reminds me a lot of my dad growing up. He was very stern, the disciplinarian, he divorced my mom when I was 11.. We have the best relationship we've ever had now, but as a child I was thankful he moved away.

wolco 8y ago

Raising a child and being liked are two different agendas and at times are at odds. Best advice don't be your child's friend be parent plenty of peers who can be friends but none that can be parents.

colecut 8y ago
I have an 8 year old son, and I think I do a pretty good job of being stern / enforcing rules while also ensuring him that he is liked and loved.. There is definitely a balance in there, "not being his friend" I think is too far to one side... I just don't let being his friend prevent me from holding him to a certain expectation.
- nickserv 8y ago
  To me, a friend is an equal, and someone you can count on. My sons are not my equals, and I'm not their friend. This doesn't mean I don't show love or affection, just that I don't expect the same kind of support from them as I do my friends. I also don't order my friends around from time to time ;-) However I hope in the future we be friends, when I don't need to wipe their ass or provide food and shelter.
  - colecut 8y ago
    I would agree on the wiping ass part, it's hard to be friends until then.. but I have a 40 year old brother who still barely provides his own food and shelter so good luck with that part =) I think of "friend" as someone you enjoy spending free time with and are willing/open to confiding in
    - nickserv 8y ago
      Thanks for the warning. This is why we made 2 ;-)
  - deadmetheny 8y ago
    This is a good sentiment to have. My dad was my dad until I left home for university - he loved us and provided for us but also was the authority and disciplinarian when necessary. Now that I've got my independence and my own household, my relationship with my dad is far more like one of friendship, alongside my trust in him as a mentor or life advisor, if I feel like I need that kind of advice. I feel like it's been integral for my development as a person and value our relationship immensely.

eeeuo 8y ago

As someone who grew up in a working class environment in which mostly everyone had "flawed"(lol) fathers, I've found that there's a big distinction in the structure of the discipline. The parents for whom crossing a line resulted in verbal/physical abuse but were otherwise fine tend to have good relationships with their kids. While the punishment is much more severe than it would be in other families, there's a clear logical structure that a child can understand. When I was younger I would say stuff like "My dad hit us sometimes when we were being dumb, but otherwise he was great". However, I've long learned that people that grew up in the middle/upper class don't want to hear statements like that and get extremely uncomfortable, so I now leave it at "my childhood was good". On the other hand, the people I knew growing up that had a father that was arbitrary with their anger tend to have non-existing/bad relationships with their fathers. I'd see situations where the father would tell their son to do X, son would respond that they've finished X already, father would lose their temper and scream at them to do X again, which made no sense. When you do that, you're not teaching a lesson or imposing any structure, you're just teaching your son that you're an asshole. Unsurprisingly, these children grow up with extreme resentment towards their fathers that has lasted into adulthood.

BirdieNZ 8y ago
The last time I read some studies on the subject of physical discipline, the conclusion was closely aligned with what you observed. Children who were physically disciplined but understood their parents loved them and had a consistent approach to the discipline had no negative long-term effects from the discipline, whereas those who were arbitrarily "disciplined" (really, just abuse if it's arbitrary) or didn't have an understanding of their parents' love for them had significant negative effects from the abuse.
st26 8y ago
My dad hit us sometimes when we were being dumb, but otherwise he was great People possibly react strangely to that for a few additional reasons? - Culturally now, "hit" can refer to anything all the way up to criminal domestic violence, blunt weapons, and hospital visits. - Kids routinely cover for their parents, even when they are the second kind- the kind that just lose their temper, beat their children unconscious, etc. Less vague terms like "spanked", "slapped", etc might cause milder reactions...