4 ms·

> The "never fight" relationships (not just marriage, but also friendships) are either "we do things as separately as possible" or one of the two ceased to talk

by ivm 8y ago

> The "never fight" relationships (not just marriage, but also friendships) are either "we do things as separately as possible" or one of the two ceased to talk about his or her issues. You missed one more option: "we can discuss a problem without involving emotions or clinging to our opinions too much".

watwut 8y ago
Not clinging on our opinions imply that said opinion is not much important to you. It is easy to make compromise over dinner meal. It is harder to move away from what you consider right in ethical sense or what is important for your self respect. Most couples eventually run into something like that. I don't mean something dramatic here, just personally important. After all, you are marrying real independent person not a clone. Also, it is true that when you dont involve emotions in relationship, problem solving is easier. However, that situation describes more work relationship then lifetime partner relationship. We are supposed to be emotionally invested in the whole marriage thing.
- ivm 8y ago
  > Not clinging on our opinions imply that said opinion is not much important to you. On the contrary, it's more important to be able to reconsider your strong opinions. > It is harder to move away from what you consider right in ethical sense Why marry if your ethics are different? > what is important for your self respect Unless it's an abusive relationship, I can't imagine a situation where the self respect can be involved. Usually it's just the ego whining about getting what it wants and disguising it as "self respect". > We are supposed to be emotionally invested in the whole marriage thing. There's a wide spectrum of emotions but most of them aren't required in a relationship. As the OP's article says, focus on kindness and appreciation.
  - watwut 8y ago
    > Usually it's just the ego whining about getting what it wants and disguising it as "self respect". Is this meant to be demostration or rational kind non-emotional solution to dis agreement? Because on the face of it, you simply tried to insult fictional partner. Sure, partner is less likely to argue if you label his demands this way. It won't actually solve the problem however and over time he will figure out what you are doing. It won't lead to appreciation through, more like resentment and anger. > There's a wide spectrum of emotions but most of them aren't required in a relationship. As the OP's article says, focus on kindness and appreciation. You partner will not appreciate if you ignore his negative emotions. Or mock them as above. For one, it is not kind. For the other, he or she will have to look for support elsewhere. You can have illusion of kindness if you mock partner for not being perfect match to you or if you split first time serious real disagreement happen. Or if you never marry because by the time you know everything about partner to be absolutely certain you two agree about everything including situations you have never been through, you two about to retire.
    - ivm 8y ago
      I'm not insulting a "fictional partner": I mentioned below that I'm in a ten-year-old relationship without fights and that's how I manage my emotions and solve my inner problems that would lead to a fight in our first years together. The problems you're describing do not arise at all when both partners keep their egos in bay and strive for kindness.
    - grasshopperpurp 8y ago
      You can acknowledge the feelings of your partner and yourself without making those feelings the fuel of the argument. In my own experience, acknowledging my partner's feelings makes me immediately calmer, more-grounded, and better able to understand her POV. I imagine it works the same for most people. If you're with someone you trust, you inherently respect his/her POV. For some, this causes disagreements to boil into violent outrages. They feel an attack on that trust. For others, they take a step back and say, 'This is someone I trust with my life. Either he/she or I am missing something somewhere.'
dpark 8y ago
> You missed one more option: "we can discuss a problem without involving emotions...” How exactly do you have no emotions in a marriage disagreement? Most arguments are about emotions. No one argues about things they aren’t emotional about (unless it’s a proxy argument for something they are emotional about).
- ivm 8y ago
  Emotions have causes that produce them, so you can ignore emotions and discuss causes. If the cause is something unavoidable like a bad weather, then a partner who's suffering from it needs compassion and support. There's nothing to fight about.
  - dpark 8y ago
    This makes no sense. No one fights about the weather And you cannot divorce emotions completely from the things that cause them. This is absurd, and akin to saying that someone with a phobia should just rationally analyze it and the problem will go away.
    - ivm 8y ago
      It's the basics of mindfulness: being aware of your emotions and not feeding them by redirecting your attention to something else. If both partners focus on being kind and understanding towards each other, their negative emotions can't get too strong.

by ivm 8y ago

watwut 8y ago

Not clinging on our opinions imply that said opinion is not much important to you. It is easy to make compromise over dinner meal. It is harder to move away from what you consider right in ethical sense or what is important for your self respect. Most couples eventually run into something like that. I don't mean something dramatic here, just personally important. After all, you are marrying real independent person not a clone. Also, it is true that when you dont involve emotions in relationship, problem solving is easier. However, that situation describes more work relationship then lifetime partner relationship. We are supposed to be emotionally invested in the whole marriage thing.

ivm 8y ago
> Not clinging on our opinions imply that said opinion is not much important to you. On the contrary, it's more important to be able to reconsider your strong opinions. > It is harder to move away from what you consider right in ethical sense Why marry if your ethics are different? > what is important for your self respect Unless it's an abusive relationship, I can't imagine a situation where the self respect can be involved. Usually it's just the ego whining about getting what it wants and disguising it as "self respect". > We are supposed to be emotionally invested in the whole marriage thing. There's a wide spectrum of emotions but most of them aren't required in a relationship. As the OP's article says, focus on kindness and appreciation.
- watwut 8y ago
  > Usually it's just the ego whining about getting what it wants and disguising it as "self respect". Is this meant to be demostration or rational kind non-emotional solution to dis agreement? Because on the face of it, you simply tried to insult fictional partner. Sure, partner is less likely to argue if you label his demands this way. It won't actually solve the problem however and over time he will figure out what you are doing. It won't lead to appreciation through, more like resentment and anger. > There's a wide spectrum of emotions but most of them aren't required in a relationship. As the OP's article says, focus on kindness and appreciation. You partner will not appreciate if you ignore his negative emotions. Or mock them as above. For one, it is not kind. For the other, he or she will have to look for support elsewhere. You can have illusion of kindness if you mock partner for not being perfect match to you or if you split first time serious real disagreement happen. Or if you never marry because by the time you know everything about partner to be absolutely certain you two agree about everything including situations you have never been through, you two about to retire.
  - ivm 8y ago
    I'm not insulting a "fictional partner": I mentioned below that I'm in a ten-year-old relationship without fights and that's how I manage my emotions and solve my inner problems that would lead to a fight in our first years together. The problems you're describing do not arise at all when both partners keep their egos in bay and strive for kindness.
  - grasshopperpurp 8y ago
    You can acknowledge the feelings of your partner and yourself without making those feelings the fuel of the argument. In my own experience, acknowledging my partner's feelings makes me immediately calmer, more-grounded, and better able to understand her POV. I imagine it works the same for most people. If you're with someone you trust, you inherently respect his/her POV. For some, this causes disagreements to boil into violent outrages. They feel an attack on that trust. For others, they take a step back and say, 'This is someone I trust with my life. Either he/she or I am missing something somewhere.'

dpark 8y ago

> You missed one more option: "we can discuss a problem without involving emotions...” How exactly do you have no emotions in a marriage disagreement? Most arguments are about emotions. No one argues about things they aren’t emotional about (unless it’s a proxy argument for something they are emotional about).

ivm 8y ago
Emotions have causes that produce them, so you can ignore emotions and discuss causes. If the cause is something unavoidable like a bad weather, then a partner who's suffering from it needs compassion and support. There's nothing to fight about.
- dpark 8y ago
  This makes no sense. No one fights about the weather And you cannot divorce emotions completely from the things that cause them. This is absurd, and akin to saying that someone with a phobia should just rationally analyze it and the problem will go away.
  - ivm 8y ago
    It's the basics of mindfulness: being aware of your emotions and not feeding them by redirecting your attention to something else. If both partners focus on being kind and understanding towards each other, their negative emotions can't get too strong.