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My wife and I have a company together and work from home, so we pretty much see each other all day every day. When we first started working together we got in

My wife and I have a company together and work from home, so we pretty much see each other all day every day. When we first started working together we got in a lot of fights and put our relationship at risk. We realized that we had to figure it out or our relationship would break. Around the same time this happened, we were incredibly lucky to have attended a free workshop called Founder's Communication (done free by innerspace.org highly highly recommended for anyone in a long term committed relationship, not just founders) which opened up our eyes and helped us improve our communication to the point where we realized that almost without exception, our arguments and fights were triggered by things that had nothing to do with what we were arguing about. We discovered that "99%" of the time, the cause of our fights were that we were hungry, sleepy, in pain, or worse, a combination of any of those. Then we first started getting in the habit of trying to pause fights as early as possible and ask each other/ourselves if we were hungry, sleepy or in pain, then if either of us was, we would try to address the issue first (get some rest, food or comfort). Then we realized, why not prevent these things altogether? We could easily plan to avoid hunger and sleepiness, pain is harder but also a lot more unusual. Now we are so aware of this stuff that we hardly ever fight, and whenever we end up saying something bad/mean in the heat of the moment, we are able to understand that we didn't really mean it, forgive ourselves quickly and move on. As a side note, this is really just an application of the realization researchers have made, that verbal communication only conveys a small fraction of what we are trying to say, the rest is all body language. Watch out about thinking too much of the meaning of what anyone has said to you. Highly recommend reading the book The Charisma Myth by Olivia Fox.

JustSomeNobody 8y ago
This is very good advice and it also goes for children as well. If you want to prevent most of the fussiness of kids, make sure they stay hydrated and give them a healthy snack every couple of hours. If they are of napping age, be consistent with naps. It's not a cure-all for tantrums, but it certainly minimizes them.
- ta1234567890 8y ago
  This. Just had my first kid. It helps immensely to anticipate when they'll be cranky and be ready to address it right away (by feeding them, soothing them or helping them fall asleep). You also need to be aware of how that overlaps with you being hungry/sleepy and try to address it in the best way. It's so easy to get angry at your kids just because they got cranky at an inconvenient time for you. At the same time, at this stage of their lives, I believe kids should experience some stress/frustration/pain to know how it feels and learn how to deal with it. Very important life skill.
  - laythea 8y ago
    This. It sometimes tough to be angry at my kids but sometimes it is needed medicine. And no, not like that.
dominotw 8y ago
> plan to avoid hunger Isn't this the most natural feeling in all animals. It is ok to be hungry, most people all over the world don't think of hunger as a feeling to be avoided at all costs. Being hungry is ok.
- ta1234567890 8y ago
  Yes, it is a natural feeling and it is ok to be hungry, just be aware that when you are hungry you behave differently than when you are not, and it might actually play against you (have you seen the Snickers commercial? It's spot on). It can also be used in your favor, for example there was some research about the severity of sentences relative to the time of day. What they found out is that judges are more lenient (give out lesser sentences) at the beginning of the day (right after breakfast) and right after lunch - the opposite was true as well, the harshest sentences were given right before lunch and by the end of the day. Several startup teams have said to have used this when scheduling their YC interviews. It would be amazing if the YC teams could share acceptance rates based on this info.
  - dominotw 8y ago
    Yea hangry is a legit word in dictionary https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/hangry https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/hangry But I was concerned that eliminating a natural feeling will also eliminate benefits associated with both for mind and body. I grew up poor in third world country and eating constantly was not a thing and being hungry was as natural as being sweaty. In rich countries you never get practice dealing with hunger, you never get a chance to make peace with in recognize it as a valid feeling. People never leave house without a snack in their bag.
  - laythea 8y ago
    "What they found out is that judges are more lenient (give out lesser sentences) at the beginning of the day (right after breakfast) and right after lunch - the opposite was true as well, the harshest sentences were given right before lunch and by the end of the day." If that's true, and I can imagine it may hold some weight, it is a depressing reality we live in.
user5994461 8y ago
You're lucky if your fights are only about petty things like these. There are much tougher problems that don't go away, like finance, health issues or children.
- ta1234567890 8y ago
  The key is being able to talk about those issues (finance, health, children, etc), and resolve them, without having to get into a fight. Fighting doesn't help, it only aggravates the situation and deteriorates relationships over time. Try to avoid it whenever possible. The techniques on my previous comment are just one way for doing that, there are others as well.

JustSomeNobody 8y ago

This is very good advice and it also goes for children as well. If you want to prevent most of the fussiness of kids, make sure they stay hydrated and give them a healthy snack every couple of hours. If they are of napping age, be consistent with naps. It's not a cure-all for tantrums, but it certainly minimizes them.

ta1234567890 8y ago
This. Just had my first kid. It helps immensely to anticipate when they'll be cranky and be ready to address it right away (by feeding them, soothing them or helping them fall asleep). You also need to be aware of how that overlaps with you being hungry/sleepy and try to address it in the best way. It's so easy to get angry at your kids just because they got cranky at an inconvenient time for you. At the same time, at this stage of their lives, I believe kids should experience some stress/frustration/pain to know how it feels and learn how to deal with it. Very important life skill.
- laythea 8y ago
  This. It sometimes tough to be angry at my kids but sometimes it is needed medicine. And no, not like that.

dominotw 8y ago

> plan to avoid hunger Isn't this the most natural feeling in all animals. It is ok to be hungry, most people all over the world don't think of hunger as a feeling to be avoided at all costs. Being hungry is ok.

ta1234567890 8y ago
Yes, it is a natural feeling and it is ok to be hungry, just be aware that when you are hungry you behave differently than when you are not, and it might actually play against you (have you seen the Snickers commercial? It's spot on). It can also be used in your favor, for example there was some research about the severity of sentences relative to the time of day. What they found out is that judges are more lenient (give out lesser sentences) at the beginning of the day (right after breakfast) and right after lunch - the opposite was true as well, the harshest sentences were given right before lunch and by the end of the day. Several startup teams have said to have used this when scheduling their YC interviews. It would be amazing if the YC teams could share acceptance rates based on this info.
- dominotw 8y ago
  Yea hangry is a legit word in dictionary https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/hangry https://en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/hangry But I was concerned that eliminating a natural feeling will also eliminate benefits associated with both for mind and body. I grew up poor in third world country and eating constantly was not a thing and being hungry was as natural as being sweaty. In rich countries you never get practice dealing with hunger, you never get a chance to make peace with in recognize it as a valid feeling. People never leave house without a snack in their bag.
- laythea 8y ago
  "What they found out is that judges are more lenient (give out lesser sentences) at the beginning of the day (right after breakfast) and right after lunch - the opposite was true as well, the harshest sentences were given right before lunch and by the end of the day." If that's true, and I can imagine it may hold some weight, it is a depressing reality we live in.

user5994461 8y ago

You're lucky if your fights are only about petty things like these. There are much tougher problems that don't go away, like finance, health issues or children.

ta1234567890 8y ago
The key is being able to talk about those issues (finance, health, children, etc), and resolve them, without having to get into a fight. Fighting doesn't help, it only aggravates the situation and deteriorates relationships over time. Try to avoid it whenever possible. The techniques on my previous comment are just one way for doing that, there are others as well.