4 ms·
This article is disgusting. Really, what a load of harmful garbage. At risk of overreacting or ignoring the experiences of other people who have experienced har
by bvc35 8y ago
This article is disgusting. Really, what a load of harmful garbage. At risk of overreacting or ignoring the experiences of other people who have experienced hardships such as abuse, mental illness, and others, I want to say that the authors of this article fundamentally misunderstand what they are talking about.
I was severely physically and emotionally abused throughout my childhood and have suffered bipolar 2 disorder my whole life. I am only in my early twenties, but I might be lucky enough to be considered one of those who became "successful" after experiencing such hardships as the article fetishizes: I am attending a good college, earning a good degree, developing experience in a high-demand field, and well on my way to becoming materially successful. By all measures, I am doing very well compared to my peers. In this, I think I am in the minority of people who have gone through similar experiences. I think the majority of people who have experienced these things end up either addicted to drugs, developing alcoholism, living with severe depression, or committing suicide or struggling with self-harm. I don't think there is any difference in the personality or resilience of these people and myself which led down paths different than mine. I think it's just luck.
I don't think I am a winner. This kind of trauma, especially trauma in your formative years, changes you whether you want it to or not. In order to survive, I learned very specific behaviors as a child, such as deescalation and avoidance of conflict, lying effectively about what I've done and how I feel, telling people what they want to hear, and pushing down and ignoring my feelings. I think everyone who goes through experiences like this learns skills that help them in the short term. If you are very lucky, I think (at best) you can learn not to automatically revert back to these behaviors as an adult most of the time. The people who can learn let go of those behaviors well enough might be the lucky ones, but I think they are rare. Don't get me wrong here: I don't think my fate is sealed. I know how to work on unlearning deceptive and destructive behaviors. I always do my best to work with what I have (I learned to do that as a kid, too), but realistically speaking, I will probably never have (for example) a trusting relationship with a woman or ever trust myself enough to raise children (I'm irrationally worried that I would abuse them and become just like my parents).
In a strange way, perhaps some things I learned in order to survive helped me after the abuse, but by and large they were terrible for me. When I was a teenager, I made it my one goal in life not to kill myself. Anything else I accomplished was just extra credit. When I fail in a big way, it's not a big deal for me because I've always had low expectations for my life. I think this might help me instantly rebound from failures and rejection, and end up with opportunities less persistent people might have not gotten. I still force myself to go out there and try my best, because the medication that keeps me functional probably won't keep working forever, so the time I have left is probably significantly limited.
Do you think I'm resilient? Do you think I'm one of the winners?
- larntz 8y agoSo far, yes, you are resilient. You're here today. I'm somewhere around 20 years older than you, and I feel like I could have written this at numerous times in my life. I don't really have answers, but I have learned some things about myself and in general that I think are important. If you have a fear that you may become abusive you should take that fear seriously and be proactive. Go to therapy now if you can (maybe you already are, I'm just talking). I avoided this for a long time because I had bad, or no, health insurance. I wish I had made the investment in myself early. Be very careful with alcohol and other substances. Dependence and substance abuse creeps up on you. That quote about day by day nothing seems to change, but looking back everything is different applies to destructive behaviors too. Deprogramming/unlearning unhealthy coping behaviors is really damn hard and never stops. Things can seem perfect for months and one day you catch yourself taking a step backwards. Don't get too hung up on those steps backwards, two steps forward and one step back is still forward progress. Almost every day the thought I want to kill myself enters my mind. It's all but lost it's meaning, but I've never completely eradicated the thought. I have no intention of ever doing it, but I find it strange that the thought never goes away. I never wanted kids either, because I hated every day of my life as a child. But, now I have two. Their mother committed suicide a few years ago and they live with me full time. They are a great motivation and have taught me so much about life I would have never learned without them. It turns out I'm a pretty decent father and have been able to give them love and understanding I never had. No amount of anger or frustration is going to change the past or fix the future. Acceptance (of self and past experiences) and seeking therapy (group and private) have been to the two biggest positive influences on my life. I'm not SV successful, but I provide for my family financially and emotionally. I feel resilient because I could have given up before I even tried or after any number of shameful personal failures. I feel like I've won because I have things I never thought possible 20 years ago. A loving family. A pretty decent job that I enjoy. A place to live that I'm not ashamed of. It's ok to hurt. It's ok to have bad habits. It's ok feel everything you've expressed. I thought I was the only person on Earth with my issues, but it turns out there are many of us. One thing I didn't realize in my early twenties was just how much life laid ahead of me. It felt over before it started and because of that I wasted most of my twenties and early thirties. What you went through sucks and you didn't deserve it. It won't always be fun. You may wake up at 40 with some of the same emotions you have now. That's just from my personal experience. I'm not a doctor of any kind. I don't even pretend to have any answers. I often think if I knew then what I know now how different life might have been, but maybe that is impossible. Or maybe something I said will help someone. I wish you the best of luck.