5 ms·

I've noticed over the last few years an arms race in welcome-emails trying to sound personal. Like when you receive this email 10ms after you submit the registe

I've noticed over the last few years an arms race in welcome-emails trying to sound personal. Like when you receive this email 10ms after you submit the register form. > Hey Dan, was just tailing the access logs and happened to see you register. ;) Let me know personally if you have any questions! – Chuck, CEO It's even sadder when the templating system is broken and you see "Hey {{firstName}}". Please, spare us the bullshit.

fauigerzigerk 8y ago
OK, but what would you like to receive instead? Dear Madam/Sir Congratulations for becoming record #b6aeca9c-b249-4238-87ab-54c8adbf9762 in our customer database. Please be advised that becoming a customer does not make you profitable for us. To earn your place on our hard disk you have to spend at least £23.84 more with us this year or get at least three of your friends to sign up as well. Do not reply to this automated message as this email address is permanently unattended. We are a strictly no-support, no-human-touch enterprise as this is the only way to make this service sustainable. You don't want to ruin it for everyone else, do you?!? You have subscribed to our Unlimited Forever Plan. However, please be warned that we have a secret fair use policy in place to deter any free riders taking advantage of our generosity. Penalties and account closures may or may not apply according to our terms of use. Greetings Automated Customer Onboarding System
- DmenshunlAnlsis 8y ago
  Yes please, that way I can start looking for a better provider, pay the money, or just ignore it. At the very least I’ll give you points for honesty, and might take that into account when making the decision about paying a bit more for a service that doesn’t treat me like a lab rat.
- er0k 8y ago
  I would prefer it. At least it's honest.
- megous 8y ago
  Send something actually useful like a link to "getting started" docs, link to your app, or something like that. Link to email settings management page. Bullet lists instead of long form content. You probably don't have "Hello, visitor..." on your web, so you can just as well drop it from your e-mail.
- tetha 8y ago
  That's a false dichotomy though. I'd prefer a notification like: > We have registered an account called "Tetha" for "tetha@coyote.acme.org" on amazingservice.acme.org. > If this wasn't you, click <this link> to delete the account. > If you're interested in the services you can receive on a free account, click <this link>, and for further service options click <that link>. That's short and to the point.
  - fauigerzigerk 8y ago
    >That's a false dichotomy though. Now I feel misunderstood. I thought it was a perfectly good straw man argument, not just a measly false dichotomy. always_good's complaint was about an embarrassingly fake personal tone coming from a complete stranger representing a corporation. S/he didn't complain about a lack of brutal honesty regarding an obviously deceptive business model. In any event, it's a joke. I agree with both of you. You don't have to be glaringly dishonest either in tone or in the way in which you structure your business model.
    - tetha 8y ago
      Ok, you just made me laugh. That comment just triggered work mode too hard, and at the moment, any point but a hard, way too specific, and nasty to refute point is void at work. It's been a rough week.
  - tripzilch 8y ago
    Or if you want to be a bit more original/quirky, you can do: "Hi! This is the server[0] at XXY! (...)". I remember getting emails like this from automated web-mailer services in the late 90s/early 00s. If in those days you would have made your server sent out personalised messages masquerading as an actual live human being, people would be quite upset and felt betrayed. That was not done. In fact, people mistook now-obviously form-generated letters for being human-written a lot more often (because the tech was new). Adding onto that confusion by being deliberately surreptitious was something done only by spammers and other vermin, maybe the occasional pranking of friends, but that was it. In my eyes it never quite became globally acceptable, either. Some consumer cultures are more okay with it than others. I just learned what other features I need to check to suspect a computer instead of a human. If they turn out to have been trying to mislead me, I'll adjust my opinion of them accordingly. It's perfectly possible to have an automated message not be all stiff and robotic, even putting a smile on the recipients' face, without actively trying to impersonate a human. [0] with the assumption these notifications are sent to a tech audience that understands what a server is, adapt as needed
- tajen 8y ago
  I’d actually appreciate such a message because it’s ridden with humour and humility - “Yes sir we do automate our onboarding and you will receive the same exact treatment as any customer” is reassuring. Especially in these times where platforms tend to evict people on political basis, I get reassured when I’m just a number.
  - jaxn 8y ago
    Just curious about your eviction comment. I haven't seen or experienced anything like that, but maybe I am in a bubble.
- jtbayly 8y ago
  Actually, yes. I think most of this email is far preferable.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
gowld 8y ago
> "Hey Dan, I was just violating our privacy promises by personally inspecting user data that should be on a need-to-know basis, and happened to see you register! Please let your local regulatory commission know if you have any complaints!"

fauigerzigerk 8y ago

OK, but what would you like to receive instead? Dear Madam/Sir Congratulations for becoming record #b6aeca9c-b249-4238-87ab-54c8adbf9762 in our customer database. Please be advised that becoming a customer does not make you profitable for us. To earn your place on our hard disk you have to spend at least £23.84 more with us this year or get at least three of your friends to sign up as well. Do not reply to this automated message as this email address is permanently unattended. We are a strictly no-support, no-human-touch enterprise as this is the only way to make this service sustainable. You don't want to ruin it for everyone else, do you?!? You have subscribed to our Unlimited Forever Plan. However, please be warned that we have a secret fair use policy in place to deter any free riders taking advantage of our generosity. Penalties and account closures may or may not apply according to our terms of use. Greetings Automated Customer Onboarding System

DmenshunlAnlsis 8y ago
Yes please, that way I can start looking for a better provider, pay the money, or just ignore it. At the very least I’ll give you points for honesty, and might take that into account when making the decision about paying a bit more for a service that doesn’t treat me like a lab rat.
er0k 8y ago
I would prefer it. At least it's honest.
megous 8y ago
Send something actually useful like a link to "getting started" docs, link to your app, or something like that. Link to email settings management page. Bullet lists instead of long form content. You probably don't have "Hello, visitor..." on your web, so you can just as well drop it from your e-mail.
tetha 8y ago
That's a false dichotomy though. I'd prefer a notification like: > We have registered an account called "Tetha" for "tetha@coyote.acme.org" on amazingservice.acme.org. > If this wasn't you, click <this link> to delete the account. > If you're interested in the services you can receive on a free account, click <this link>, and for further service options click <that link>. That's short and to the point.
- fauigerzigerk 8y ago
  >That's a false dichotomy though. Now I feel misunderstood. I thought it was a perfectly good straw man argument, not just a measly false dichotomy. always_good's complaint was about an embarrassingly fake personal tone coming from a complete stranger representing a corporation. S/he didn't complain about a lack of brutal honesty regarding an obviously deceptive business model. In any event, it's a joke. I agree with both of you. You don't have to be glaringly dishonest either in tone or in the way in which you structure your business model.
  - tetha 8y ago
    Ok, you just made me laugh. That comment just triggered work mode too hard, and at the moment, any point but a hard, way too specific, and nasty to refute point is void at work. It's been a rough week.
- tripzilch 8y ago
  Or if you want to be a bit more original/quirky, you can do: "Hi! This is the server[0] at XXY! (...)". I remember getting emails like this from automated web-mailer services in the late 90s/early 00s. If in those days you would have made your server sent out personalised messages masquerading as an actual live human being, people would be quite upset and felt betrayed. That was not done. In fact, people mistook now-obviously form-generated letters for being human-written a lot more often (because the tech was new). Adding onto that confusion by being deliberately surreptitious was something done only by spammers and other vermin, maybe the occasional pranking of friends, but that was it. In my eyes it never quite became globally acceptable, either. Some consumer cultures are more okay with it than others. I just learned what other features I need to check to suspect a computer instead of a human. If they turn out to have been trying to mislead me, I'll adjust my opinion of them accordingly. It's perfectly possible to have an automated message not be all stiff and robotic, even putting a smile on the recipients' face, without actively trying to impersonate a human. [0] with the assumption these notifications are sent to a tech audience that understands what a server is, adapt as needed
tajen 8y ago
I’d actually appreciate such a message because it’s ridden with humour and humility - “Yes sir we do automate our onboarding and you will receive the same exact treatment as any customer” is reassuring. Especially in these times where platforms tend to evict people on political basis, I get reassured when I’m just a number.
- jaxn 8y ago
  Just curious about your eviction comment. I haven't seen or experienced anything like that, but maybe I am in a bubble.
jtbayly 8y ago
Actually, yes. I think most of this email is far preferable.

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

gowld 8y ago

> "Hey Dan, I was just violating our privacy promises by personally inspecting user data that should be on a need-to-know basis, and happened to see you register! Please let your local regulatory commission know if you have any complaints!"