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A topic so close to my heart I can barely engage with it. I credit my resilience to a sense of absolute worthlessness. If you have seen the film Gattaca and t
by buro9 8y ago
A topic so close to my heart I can barely engage with it.
I credit my resilience to a sense of absolute worthlessness.
If you have seen the film Gattaca and the bit at the end how the non-modified person can beat the modified person... it comes down to not being afraid of the consequences, of literally being willing to die trying because what do you have to lose? That you would accept that, to die trying, stems from the worthlessness that one feels totally, and the worthlessness that the world and everyone around you communicates when you are so low.
Resilience, taking risks, fighting harder than anyone else, needing to always drive forwards or else fall backwards... for me it has an underlying secret: the profound sense of worthlessness as a human. From never really accepting you are valid and valuable even when you have "made it" by some definition. This is why I've made some decisions the way I have, I have nothing at all to lose... not even the value of life itself.
Which loops back to another recent theme on Twitter and HN and elsewhere... those dark thoughts of suicide if once thought, they never ever really leave.
NB: I'm fine, just being honest, feeling OK, in a good place... but this is what a hard life creates and such lives aren't lived for the purpose of being a lesson to others, and I'm not sure anyone should learn this lesson.
- s-shellfish 8y agoI think it takes a strong mind to overcome that belief framework. That's not to say it didn't have inherent worth for you while you went through whatever you did that made you feel that way, but finding flaw in your own arguments/belief systems is a pretty significant skill set to learn too. Learn to be resilient against yourself. Learn to take risks against yourself. Learn to fight harder against yourself, than anyone will ever fight against you. Maybe you can, maybe you do, but that loop that brings you back to suicidal feelings is neither strength nor weakness.
- phaedrus 8y agoThis line from Gattaca always hits me so hard (when the genetically engineered brother asks the protagonist how he always won when they competed to swim as far out from shore as possible): "I never saved anything for the swim back."
- gonvaled 8y agoHe only beats the improved one once, as far as I can recall - the last time, the one that matters, when they go all out.
- fellowniusmonk 8y agoI come from a very similar perspective. Worthless but also like... what does "worth" even mean. We are all dust. I think people spend way too much time wondering about their self worth, or if they will fail or are good at what they do, they confuse task strength with self worth, but if you have no self worth you can avoid a lot of time wasting mental loops, instead it's a focus on task assignment/alignment where you happen to be the person involved. For me it's basically, the fact that external indicators will tell you you failed or suck and don't worry about it so much, just keep failing but learn each time. I try only to change myself through knowing more, being more proficient, learning skills that are hard for me to learn, understanding things more holistically. I haven't really struggled with suicidal thoughts though, I think that there is a certain level of self worth or ego required to be suicidal... to me, all of the existential questions, questions of meaning I don't have an answer for... I just don't know, I'm keeping my eyes pealed for Truth but to say it doesn't exist to me denotes a level of certainty I can't muster either, despair seems like it comes from a place of certainty, so I'll just keep my eyes open until my body gives out or Truth becomes apparent, after all I've go nowhere else to be.