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I normally don’t post on HN, but I wanted to to add some clarity to this. My wife and I are poly. We’ve been poly for about a decade, we were in a triad for two

I normally don’t post on HN, but I wanted to to add some clarity to this. My wife and I are poly. We’ve been poly for about a decade, we were in a triad for two years (all three partners in relationships with one another), and have had many committed relationships over that time. It’s absolutely not for everyone, and anyone who says folks are “too square” are needlessly self-righteous. There’s nothing inherently good or bad about polyamory. It’s frankly playing relationships on hard, and you need to be extra committed to working things out early and often. With the right personalities, it can force better relationship health because of the high risk, high reward nature of the lifestyle. I credit poly with giving me and my wife the skills to have hard conversations early and work through problems in good faith, and we do our best to conduct ourselves the same way in all our relationships in order to practice polyamory ethically. I also take issue with you saying it can “never” work. It absolutely can, but as I said, it’s not for everyone. It also doesn’t mean every relationship lasts forever. Looking at any relationship in isolation, it’s just dating; people fall in and out of love naturally, and there’s very normal feelings of pain and loss sometimes. Those same feelings don’t stop monogamous folks from dating, and it’s the same in poly. But when that fallout does occur, there’s a wider safety net of people who are close to you and care about you and have more intimate understanding of you than having them as a friends alone, so there are definitely advantages if you put in the effort. Because it does involve very different configurations of relationships when there’s more than one, poly requires rethinking what relationships mean generally, and it allows for a wider variety of relationship types, and I don’t just mean a linear friends with benefits to committed marriage. I mean accepting a broader range of human interactions and expectations as part of a valid relationship. The result, if you’re willing to do the work and if it’s something you WANT to do, is a very rich set of experiences and deep relationships you might not have if you were monogamous. So in short: it can work, it’s not for everyone and requires way more work than monogamy, and it is also inherently no better or worse than monogamy.

AnimalMuppet 8y ago
Without touching on the ethics of polyamory, "requires way more work than monogamy" is one way of being worse than monogamy. It is my perception that a large fraction of marriages that end in divorce, do so because one or both people aren't willing to put in the work that is needed to maintain the relationship. Requiring more work... at least for the large majority of people, that's a fatal flaw.
- donutte 8y ago
  For what it’s worth, I’m poly and I disagree with that characterization. Polyamorous relationships are held to a different standard. A monogamous relationship where everyone isn’t having their needs met can continue in perpetuity, for one reason or another. Such a polyamorous relationship is more unstable and likely to end more swiftly and decisively. It’s possible to see that as a good thing. (If you buy this reading, “open relationships hurt marriages” isn’t a story about failing poly relationships, it’s a story about monogomous relationships that already failed without anyone noticing.)
  - montagg 8y ago
    I guess one could say both are a lot of work, you’re just doing different work. In my experience, poly relationships fail faster, when one doesn’t do the work, than monogamous relationships, which can linger longer with dysfunction that doesn’t get addressed. But I think it’s also important to acknowledge that these aren’t ever hard and fast characterizations—these have been my views from first- or second-hand experiences with poly, but human relationships vary considerably, and my experiences (and insights) certainly won’t match everyone’s.
    - magduf 8y ago
      >In my experience, poly relationships fail faster, when one doesn’t do the work, than monogamous relationships, which can linger longer with dysfunction that doesn’t get addressed. Well it kinda makes sense. If you have other options, or even already have another intimate partner, that makes it a lot easier to just bail out of a relationship that isn't working out, instead of sticking around hoping things change.
- mercutio2 8y ago
  Hmm. Why “flaw”? To my mind, it’s just reality. Relationships take work. Intimate relationships take more work. Having a greater quantity of relationships takes more work. Now, as it happens, I tend to believe that human relationships are the reason to be alive, so I think it’s good for humans to put lots of work into relationships and community (of any sort, regardless of levels of physical intimacy).
antisthenes 8y ago
Thanks for being frank about it. It can definitely work as long as all partners in a polyamorous relationship clearly communicate their expectations to one another. Relationships are, by human nature, not permanent either way - we all die in the end, so IMO it's unreasonable to expect them to last 'forever' anyway. If you found your niche in polyamory - good for you!

AnimalMuppet 8y ago

Without touching on the ethics of polyamory, "requires way more work than monogamy" is one way of being worse than monogamy. It is my perception that a large fraction of marriages that end in divorce, do so because one or both people aren't willing to put in the work that is needed to maintain the relationship. Requiring more work... at least for the large majority of people, that's a fatal flaw.

donutte 8y ago
For what it’s worth, I’m poly and I disagree with that characterization. Polyamorous relationships are held to a different standard. A monogamous relationship where everyone isn’t having their needs met can continue in perpetuity, for one reason or another. Such a polyamorous relationship is more unstable and likely to end more swiftly and decisively. It’s possible to see that as a good thing. (If you buy this reading, “open relationships hurt marriages” isn’t a story about failing poly relationships, it’s a story about monogomous relationships that already failed without anyone noticing.)
- montagg 8y ago
  I guess one could say both are a lot of work, you’re just doing different work. In my experience, poly relationships fail faster, when one doesn’t do the work, than monogamous relationships, which can linger longer with dysfunction that doesn’t get addressed. But I think it’s also important to acknowledge that these aren’t ever hard and fast characterizations—these have been my views from first- or second-hand experiences with poly, but human relationships vary considerably, and my experiences (and insights) certainly won’t match everyone’s.
  - magduf 8y ago
    >In my experience, poly relationships fail faster, when one doesn’t do the work, than monogamous relationships, which can linger longer with dysfunction that doesn’t get addressed. Well it kinda makes sense. If you have other options, or even already have another intimate partner, that makes it a lot easier to just bail out of a relationship that isn't working out, instead of sticking around hoping things change.
mercutio2 8y ago
Hmm. Why “flaw”? To my mind, it’s just reality. Relationships take work. Intimate relationships take more work. Having a greater quantity of relationships takes more work. Now, as it happens, I tend to believe that human relationships are the reason to be alive, so I think it’s good for humans to put lots of work into relationships and community (of any sort, regardless of levels of physical intimacy).

antisthenes 8y ago

Thanks for being frank about it. It can definitely work as long as all partners in a polyamorous relationship clearly communicate their expectations to one another. Relationships are, by human nature, not permanent either way - we all die in the end, so IMO it's unreasonable to expect them to last 'forever' anyway. If you found your niche in polyamory - good for you!