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Deliberately trying to cultivate friendships and openness, both by being a bit more open and honest with people, and by asking them very gentle questions to let

Deliberately trying to cultivate friendships and openness, both by being a bit more open and honest with people, and by asking them very gentle questions to let them know that I'm somebody they can be open with, if they want. I also set up a 'close friends' filter on Facebook for people I can be a bit more honest with - not 'all drama, all the time' type of stuff, but more about starting interesting discussions about stuff that we don't normally talk about: emotions, relationships, etc. I'm tired of keeping my Facebook life relentlessly positive and polished - not only is it bad for me, but bad for everybody else who sees me as just another person with a better life than their own. It's all pretty terrifying, but it's definitely paying off. If you have mental health issues, I can't overstate the goodness of having friends around you who know and understand about that.

tcfunk 8y ago
I also started doing this more -- including with my wife. It has definitely helped my mood and mental health overall to talk about the things that are on my mind, even if the conversations don't always end up going in my favor per se. This probably seems super obvious to a lot of people, but it does not come naturally to me, and I suspect an equally large number of people have trouble with it too.
- aantix 8y ago
  If you're just learning to be open, you'd probably enjoy the book, Conscious Loving. There's a whole section dedicated to telling the "microscopic truth" in your relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Loving-Co-Committment-Gay-Hendricks-ebook/dp/B002SXIF40 https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Loving-Co-Committment-Gay-H... Painful to do in the beginning, but as people get use to your new truth telling ways, they learn to appreciate the honesty.
  - tcfunk 8y ago
    I'll check it out, thanks for the suggestion.
billybatson 8y ago
If you don't mind me asking, what are some examples of the gentle questions that indicates you are open?
- camtarn 8y ago
  A few examples: Chatting to somebody about the side effects of the antidepressants we're both on, namely decreased 'filter' when talking. Amusingly, said decreased filter might be one of the contributing factors behind this increased openness :) Asking a friend who was obviously going through a hard time - "You don't owe me any answers, of course, but I wondered if you'd mind me asking whether you're okay, and what's going on for you?". Plus a lot of follow-up questions, phrased as "here are some things I'm wondering about, with absolutely no obligation to answer them; and of course if you have any questions for me, I'd be happy to answer". Even just simple stuff like following up on throwaway conversational prompts - "hey, you mentioned as an aside that you'd done horseriding for fifteen years - that sounds like a big part of your life; how did you get into that?" A lot of it's been about relationships, for various reasons.
  - OldSchoolJohnny 8y ago
    You sound like you might have recently read Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg. If you haven't you sound like you're in a place where you might really enjoy it and find it useful.
    - camtarn 8y ago
      Hehe... I was given the book a couple of years ago, but it's sat on my desk unread, because I am terrible at sitting down and making time to read. However, I do have a couple of dedicated NVC practitioners amongst my friends, and a lot of other people who just use variations on those techniques without explicitly buying into NVC. I've found that the principles behind NVC have helped me massively, even without formally being educated in it. I started using them a lot while I was navigating a very rocky relationship with a lot of arguments, and I guess the habit has just stuck - things like separating wants vs needs, talking about emotional state without using blame language, attempting to understand where the other person's coming from before replying, and so on.

tcfunk 8y ago

I also started doing this more -- including with my wife. It has definitely helped my mood and mental health overall to talk about the things that are on my mind, even if the conversations don't always end up going in my favor per se. This probably seems super obvious to a lot of people, but it does not come naturally to me, and I suspect an equally large number of people have trouble with it too.

aantix 8y ago
If you're just learning to be open, you'd probably enjoy the book, Conscious Loving. There's a whole section dedicated to telling the "microscopic truth" in your relationships. https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Loving-Co-Committment-Gay-Hendricks-ebook/dp/B002SXIF40 https://www.amazon.com/Conscious-Loving-Co-Committment-Gay-H... Painful to do in the beginning, but as people get use to your new truth telling ways, they learn to appreciate the honesty.
- tcfunk 8y ago
  I'll check it out, thanks for the suggestion.

billybatson 8y ago

If you don't mind me asking, what are some examples of the gentle questions that indicates you are open?

camtarn 8y ago
A few examples: Chatting to somebody about the side effects of the antidepressants we're both on, namely decreased 'filter' when talking. Amusingly, said decreased filter might be one of the contributing factors behind this increased openness :) Asking a friend who was obviously going through a hard time - "You don't owe me any answers, of course, but I wondered if you'd mind me asking whether you're okay, and what's going on for you?". Plus a lot of follow-up questions, phrased as "here are some things I'm wondering about, with absolutely no obligation to answer them; and of course if you have any questions for me, I'd be happy to answer". Even just simple stuff like following up on throwaway conversational prompts - "hey, you mentioned as an aside that you'd done horseriding for fifteen years - that sounds like a big part of your life; how did you get into that?" A lot of it's been about relationships, for various reasons.
- OldSchoolJohnny 8y ago
  You sound like you might have recently read Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg. If you haven't you sound like you're in a place where you might really enjoy it and find it useful.
  - camtarn 8y ago
    Hehe... I was given the book a couple of years ago, but it's sat on my desk unread, because I am terrible at sitting down and making time to read. However, I do have a couple of dedicated NVC practitioners amongst my friends, and a lot of other people who just use variations on those techniques without explicitly buying into NVC. I've found that the principles behind NVC have helped me massively, even without formally being educated in it. I started using them a lot while I was navigating a very rocky relationship with a lot of arguments, and I guess the habit has just stuck - things like separating wants vs needs, talking about emotional state without using blame language, attempting to understand where the other person's coming from before replying, and so on.