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Moving on is crucial. However, what I find troubling about that formulation that it appears to deny the victim's experience. Can't we pause, acknowledge the n

Moving on is crucial. However, what I find troubling about that formulation that it appears to deny the victim's experience. Can't we pause, acknowledge the negative, and then move on?

erikpukinskis 8y ago
I think the key is to pay attention to where the victim is in their process and honor that. That may mean not acknowledging the suffering, or it may mean not acknowledging that things will be ok.
- rectang 8y ago
  I like the true listening in your approach. Responding that way reinforces agency. I think that's also compatible with having an expectation that the situation will change over time, that most often the intensity of suffering will decrease, and that the survivor will get their life back on track.
DoreenMichele 8y ago
The issue is that if you get hit by a car, the entire world doesn't spend the rest of your life pitying you and hanging their car-related baggage on you and refusing to acknowledge they are doing so. If you get raped, every bit of sexual baggage of everyone you know will be dumped in your lap in the name of "sympathy" while people actively refuse to allow you to move on. I'm a let me brag and show off by showing you my scars kind of personality (a la Lethal Weapon* ). Men can do that and impress people. I routinely get pity. I have been on HN nearly 9 years. No one ever goes "Damn, girl, you are one helluva badass that you can discuss a topic like this calmly in such a large forum that is overwhelmingly male." No, in this very thread, more than 4 decades after the abuse ended, someone has told me they are sorry my therapy was a bad experience, though I in no way indicated it was. How much evidence do I need to provide that I am remarkably comfortable with myself, my past and my sexuality before the world stops heaping pity upon me as an endless emotional burden I cannot escape? The answer appears to be that a rape victim is not allowed to move on. They are not allowed to stop being an object of pity. I find that monstrous and incredibly counterproductive. That in no way denies that I was traumatized. It merely asserts that a still ongoing issue is the negative way other people choose to view me in defiance of all evidence to the contrary. * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNOsA4nH8yE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNOsA4nH8yE
- dragonwriter 8y ago
  > I'm a let me brag and show off by showing you my scars kind of personality (a la Lethal Weapon* ). Men can do that and impress people. I routinely get pity. No, not about being a victim of a sex crime, they can't; at least as much as women can't, maybe even moreso. > The answer appears to be that a rape victim is not allowed to move on. A “brag and show off by showing you my scars” person is one who has not moved on from the sources of those scars. Yeah, that kind of failure to move on may get a different typical response by both gender and source of the scar, but you can't both have a need to show the scar and complain that other people aren't letting you move on: you aren't letting yourself move on.
  - DoreenMichele 8y ago
    Choosing to be an example of recovery is not evidence I have not recovered. I'm well aware men who were raped or molested are treated even worse.
    - dragonwriter 8y ago
      > Choosing to be an example of recovery is not evidence I have not recovered. There's a huge difference, as I see it, between choosing to be an example of recovery and being,asyou previously described, a “brag and show off your scars person”, particularly in terms of the audience to which accounts of particular trauma are directed.
      - DoreenMichele 8y ago
        You know, I actually have a lot of respect for you. You really have your moments when you shine. This is not one of them. This is right up there with that brief period when you were repeatedly accusing me of being transphobic. So I have zero plans to argue this further with you.
- mirimir 8y ago
  Hey, you are "one helluva badass" :) > Each of us is the sum of our scars. Caine, in Stover's Blade of Tyshalle. Also, the horse witch in his Act of Atonement books.

Moving on is crucial. However, what I find troubling about that formulation that it appears to deny the victim's experience. Can't we pause, acknowledge the negative, and then move on?

erikpukinskis 8y ago

I think the key is to pay attention to where the victim is in their process and honor that. That may mean not acknowledging the suffering, or it may mean not acknowledging that things will be ok.

rectang 8y ago
I like the true listening in your approach. Responding that way reinforces agency. I think that's also compatible with having an expectation that the situation will change over time, that most often the intensity of suffering will decrease, and that the survivor will get their life back on track.

DoreenMichele 8y ago

The issue is that if you get hit by a car, the entire world doesn't spend the rest of your life pitying you and hanging their car-related baggage on you and refusing to acknowledge they are doing so. If you get raped, every bit of sexual baggage of everyone you know will be dumped in your lap in the name of "sympathy" while people actively refuse to allow you to move on. I'm a let me brag and show off by showing you my scars kind of personality (a la Lethal Weapon* ). Men can do that and impress people. I routinely get pity. I have been on HN nearly 9 years. No one ever goes "Damn, girl, you are one helluva badass that you can discuss a topic like this calmly in such a large forum that is overwhelmingly male." No, in this very thread, more than 4 decades after the abuse ended, someone has told me they are sorry my therapy was a bad experience, though I in no way indicated it was. How much evidence do I need to provide that I am remarkably comfortable with myself, my past and my sexuality before the world stops heaping pity upon me as an endless emotional burden I cannot escape? The answer appears to be that a rape victim is not allowed to move on. They are not allowed to stop being an object of pity. I find that monstrous and incredibly counterproductive. That in no way denies that I was traumatized. It merely asserts that a still ongoing issue is the negative way other people choose to view me in defiance of all evidence to the contrary. * https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNOsA4nH8yE https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cNOsA4nH8yE

dragonwriter 8y ago
> I'm a let me brag and show off by showing you my scars kind of personality (a la Lethal Weapon* ). Men can do that and impress people. I routinely get pity. No, not about being a victim of a sex crime, they can't; at least as much as women can't, maybe even moreso. > The answer appears to be that a rape victim is not allowed to move on. A “brag and show off by showing you my scars” person is one who has not moved on from the sources of those scars. Yeah, that kind of failure to move on may get a different typical response by both gender and source of the scar, but you can't both have a need to show the scar and complain that other people aren't letting you move on: you aren't letting yourself move on.
- DoreenMichele 8y ago
  Choosing to be an example of recovery is not evidence I have not recovered. I'm well aware men who were raped or molested are treated even worse.
  - dragonwriter 8y ago
    > Choosing to be an example of recovery is not evidence I have not recovered. There's a huge difference, as I see it, between choosing to be an example of recovery and being,asyou previously described, a “brag and show off your scars person”, particularly in terms of the audience to which accounts of particular trauma are directed.
    - DoreenMichele 8y ago
      You know, I actually have a lot of respect for you. You really have your moments when you shine. This is not one of them. This is right up there with that brief period when you were repeatedly accusing me of being transphobic. So I have zero plans to argue this further with you.
mirimir 8y ago
Hey, you are "one helluva badass" :) > Each of us is the sum of our scars. Caine, in Stover's Blade of Tyshalle. Also, the horse witch in his Act of Atonement books.