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It's not really surprising that middle-aged men who have been raked over the coals in a divorce and left with a hole they'll never get out of, would opt for an

It's not really surprising that middle-aged men who have been raked over the coals in a divorce and left with a hole they'll never get out of, would opt for an end to the pain.

toomuchtodo 8y ago
Agreed. Divorce is one of the most financially devastating events that can happen in one’s life. The longer I’m alive, the longer I recommend to people to never get married. Live together, but keep your finances separate (does not apply in community property states; watch out!).
- ams6110 8y ago
  Prenuptial agreements are a thing. Though there's probably some sound thinking behind the point of view that if you aren't willing to get married without a prenup, then you really shouldn't be getting married.
  - deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
  - User23 8y ago
    Or you can marry someone who doesn't consider divorce an option, for example a devout Catholic. Of course that assumes they will stick to their beliefs in the face of temptation, and observably many do not.
  - dsnuh 8y ago
    Good luck actually getting that pre-nup enforced in court! Just don't get married, unless you are ready to lose it all if it goes south.
- dsnuh 8y ago
  I doubt I will be able to recover from mine. I'm paying $1700 per month in child support for two kids, even though I have custody of them 45% of the time. I have Smith-Ostler riders to collect 12% from any bonus, stock option sales, RSUs, etc. I basically have to restart from scratch on my 401k, as that was used to pay off the divorce costs and equalizations. I finished paying off spousal support, which was another $1800 per month, but now I am so far in the hole that I doubt I will ever dig out. It's been over two years since the divorce, but I am still struggling just to make my mortgage every month. I don't know if people on HN (who I assume a majority of are high earners) realize just how much money you can be on the hook for if you have a motivated ex-spouse with an attorney. My ex was a stay-at-home mom with a side business as a photographer. Good luck getting a fair shake in court when you get a W-2 salary, and the other party runs their own business. Edit: typo - I have 45% custody, not 55% custody.
  - deleted 8y ago
    [deleted]
sp332 8y ago
The suicidal feelings are generally temporary. Only 10-15% of people who unsuccessfully attempt suicide try again successfully. The linked study shows a high percentage of causes that are temporary like relationship trouble or crises within a one-month window.
- scruple 8y ago
  And that may be a useful perspective in many instances, but it doesn't tell the real story. Those feelings are certainly not temporary for those who are successful and are also unlikely to be temporary for the people left in the wake of a successful attempt. My best friend killed himself in the 5th grade, then another very, very close friend in the 8th. I've known 3 other people who I would call a friend who have killed themselves. I'm 37 years old and I still think of these people. I don't dwell, but I certainly do remember these events and their supposed causes clearly.
- cautionarytale 8y ago
  This seems far too dismissive--almost like a variant form of "just cheer up". "Relationship trouble" includes mental agony that can drag out over many years. And the fact that many do not make serious attempts doesn't tell us much about those that will make them.

It's not really surprising that middle-aged men who have been raked over the coals in a divorce and left with a hole they'll never get out of, would opt for an end to the pain.

toomuchtodo 8y ago

Agreed. Divorce is one of the most financially devastating events that can happen in one’s life. The longer I’m alive, the longer I recommend to people to never get married. Live together, but keep your finances separate (does not apply in community property states; watch out!).

ams6110 8y ago
Prenuptial agreements are a thing. Though there's probably some sound thinking behind the point of view that if you aren't willing to get married without a prenup, then you really shouldn't be getting married.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- User23 8y ago
  Or you can marry someone who doesn't consider divorce an option, for example a devout Catholic. Of course that assumes they will stick to their beliefs in the face of temptation, and observably many do not.
- dsnuh 8y ago
  Good luck actually getting that pre-nup enforced in court! Just don't get married, unless you are ready to lose it all if it goes south.
dsnuh 8y ago
I doubt I will be able to recover from mine. I'm paying $1700 per month in child support for two kids, even though I have custody of them 45% of the time. I have Smith-Ostler riders to collect 12% from any bonus, stock option sales, RSUs, etc. I basically have to restart from scratch on my 401k, as that was used to pay off the divorce costs and equalizations. I finished paying off spousal support, which was another $1800 per month, but now I am so far in the hole that I doubt I will ever dig out. It's been over two years since the divorce, but I am still struggling just to make my mortgage every month. I don't know if people on HN (who I assume a majority of are high earners) realize just how much money you can be on the hook for if you have a motivated ex-spouse with an attorney. My ex was a stay-at-home mom with a side business as a photographer. Good luck getting a fair shake in court when you get a W-2 salary, and the other party runs their own business. Edit: typo - I have 45% custody, not 55% custody.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]

sp332 8y ago

The suicidal feelings are generally temporary. Only 10-15% of people who unsuccessfully attempt suicide try again successfully. The linked study shows a high percentage of causes that are temporary like relationship trouble or crises within a one-month window.

scruple 8y ago
And that may be a useful perspective in many instances, but it doesn't tell the real story. Those feelings are certainly not temporary for those who are successful and are also unlikely to be temporary for the people left in the wake of a successful attempt. My best friend killed himself in the 5th grade, then another very, very close friend in the 8th. I've known 3 other people who I would call a friend who have killed themselves. I'm 37 years old and I still think of these people. I don't dwell, but I certainly do remember these events and their supposed causes clearly.
cautionarytale 8y ago
This seems far too dismissive--almost like a variant form of "just cheer up". "Relationship trouble" includes mental agony that can drag out over many years. And the fact that many do not make serious attempts doesn't tell us much about those that will make them.