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Thanks for this. I have definitely frustrated friends who come to me complaining, in exactly the way you describe, because I offered only problem solving when t

Thanks for this. I have definitely frustrated friends who come to me complaining, in exactly the way you describe, because I offered only problem solving when they wanted commiseration. I think I can identify commiseration (they come complaining about something stupid, and then reject my sensible suggestions), but I don't know how to solve it -- how do you effectively commiserate with someone?

trunnell 16y ago
how do you effectively commiserate with someone? I think people want their suffering to be understood. All that's necessary is to let them know you identify with their problem. Just validate their complaint. For example, saying "oh man! that sucks!" might be all that's needed. Or, "I can't believe he said that!" Or, "you can't be expected to read their mind!" etc. You'll know you're effective if such comments start to relieve your conversation partner. If you're wrong and problem solving is actually called for, people will explicitly ask you for solutions-- especially if it's a conversation at work, as in the OP.
- j_baker 16y ago
  Better yet "That happened to me this one time..." empathy > sympathy
  - philwelch 16y ago
    That's risky, because it might come across as implying you don't care about their own problems because you have/had your own.
- Poiesis 16y ago
  I used to work with the most amazing guy when it comes to commiseration. I actually felt bad for him--he was so good at it, it seemed he had to do it more often because people would (unconsciously?) seek him out. Once I realized it, I tried to observe everything I could. He used a lot of those techniques. Another useful one is, "That must have felt X ". Again, validating feelings. Please note: telling someone that they shouldn't worry about something is pretty much the polar opposite of this, and should be avoided by anyone hoping to maintain a friendship with someone with feelings.

trunnell 16y ago

how do you effectively commiserate with someone? I think people want their suffering to be understood. All that's necessary is to let them know you identify with their problem. Just validate their complaint. For example, saying "oh man! that sucks!" might be all that's needed. Or, "I can't believe he said that!" Or, "you can't be expected to read their mind!" etc. You'll know you're effective if such comments start to relieve your conversation partner. If you're wrong and problem solving is actually called for, people will explicitly ask you for solutions-- especially if it's a conversation at work, as in the OP.

j_baker 16y ago
Better yet "That happened to me this one time..." empathy > sympathy
- philwelch 16y ago
  That's risky, because it might come across as implying you don't care about their own problems because you have/had your own.
Poiesis 16y ago
I used to work with the most amazing guy when it comes to commiseration. I actually felt bad for him--he was so good at it, it seemed he had to do it more often because people would (unconsciously?) seek him out. Once I realized it, I tried to observe everything I could. He used a lot of those techniques. Another useful one is, "That must have felt X ". Again, validating feelings. Please note: telling someone that they shouldn't worry about something is pretty much the polar opposite of this, and should be avoided by anyone hoping to maintain a friendship with someone with feelings.