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When the Vent begins, you might confuse this for a conversation. It's not. It's a Vent. It's a mental release valve and your job is to listen for as long as it

When the Vent begins, you might confuse this for a conversation. It's not. It's a Vent. It's a mental release valve and your job is to listen for as long as it takes. Don’t problem solve. This is one of the most important things about conversations I've ever learned. When someone comes to you with a problem, you need to detect if that person wants 1) your help with problem-solving, or 2) commiseration. #1 tends to be a calm, analytical conversation, while #2 can be emotionally motivated. When someone is looking for commiseration but you offer problem solving, you might actually add to their frustration by your lack of compassion for their situation. If they're looking for problem solving but you commiserate, you might actually add to their frustration as they wonder why you're doing so little to help them. Identification is the first step to being an effective conversation partner.

lincolnq 16y ago
Thanks for this. I have definitely frustrated friends who come to me complaining, in exactly the way you describe, because I offered only problem solving when they wanted commiseration. I think I can identify commiseration (they come complaining about something stupid, and then reject my sensible suggestions), but I don't know how to solve it -- how do you effectively commiserate with someone?
- trunnell 16y ago
  how do you effectively commiserate with someone? I think people want their suffering to be understood. All that's necessary is to let them know you identify with their problem. Just validate their complaint. For example, saying "oh man! that sucks!" might be all that's needed. Or, "I can't believe he said that!" Or, "you can't be expected to read their mind!" etc. You'll know you're effective if such comments start to relieve your conversation partner. If you're wrong and problem solving is actually called for, people will explicitly ask you for solutions-- especially if it's a conversation at work, as in the OP.
  - j_baker 16y ago
    Better yet "That happened to me this one time..." empathy > sympathy
    - philwelch 16y ago
      That's risky, because it might come across as implying you don't care about their own problems because you have/had your own.
  - Poiesis 16y ago
    I used to work with the most amazing guy when it comes to commiseration. I actually felt bad for him--he was so good at it, it seemed he had to do it more often because people would (unconsciously?) seek him out. Once I realized it, I tried to observe everything I could. He used a lot of those techniques. Another useful one is, "That must have felt X ". Again, validating feelings. Please note: telling someone that they shouldn't worry about something is pretty much the polar opposite of this, and should be avoided by anyone hoping to maintain a friendship with someone with feelings.
tnorthcutt 16y ago
"When someone is looking for commiseration but you offer problem solving, you might actually add to their frustration by your lack of compassion for their situation." Especially if you're married to them.

lincolnq 16y ago

Thanks for this. I have definitely frustrated friends who come to me complaining, in exactly the way you describe, because I offered only problem solving when they wanted commiseration. I think I can identify commiseration (they come complaining about something stupid, and then reject my sensible suggestions), but I don't know how to solve it -- how do you effectively commiserate with someone?

trunnell 16y ago
how do you effectively commiserate with someone? I think people want their suffering to be understood. All that's necessary is to let them know you identify with their problem. Just validate their complaint. For example, saying "oh man! that sucks!" might be all that's needed. Or, "I can't believe he said that!" Or, "you can't be expected to read their mind!" etc. You'll know you're effective if such comments start to relieve your conversation partner. If you're wrong and problem solving is actually called for, people will explicitly ask you for solutions-- especially if it's a conversation at work, as in the OP.
- j_baker 16y ago
  Better yet "That happened to me this one time..." empathy > sympathy
  - philwelch 16y ago
    That's risky, because it might come across as implying you don't care about their own problems because you have/had your own.
- Poiesis 16y ago
  I used to work with the most amazing guy when it comes to commiseration. I actually felt bad for him--he was so good at it, it seemed he had to do it more often because people would (unconsciously?) seek him out. Once I realized it, I tried to observe everything I could. He used a lot of those techniques. Another useful one is, "That must have felt X ". Again, validating feelings. Please note: telling someone that they shouldn't worry about something is pretty much the polar opposite of this, and should be avoided by anyone hoping to maintain a friendship with someone with feelings.

tnorthcutt 16y ago

"When someone is looking for commiseration but you offer problem solving, you might actually add to their frustration by your lack of compassion for their situation." Especially if you're married to them.