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I am someone who has had to face some very serious physical and mental health consequences as a result of pathological perfectionism (no, it's not a good thing)

I am someone who has had to face some very serious physical and mental health consequences as a result of pathological perfectionism (no, it's not a good thing). Learning skills similar to the ones described in this article changed my life. I still have bad days, but mindfulness and self-compassion, validation, kindness, and understanding can be game changers for those with perfectionist tendencies. It finally clicked for me when someone described how we are seemingly capable of providing compassion/validation/understanding/kindness to and/or seeking them from others. However, we were really bad at giving ourselves those same things. It made me realize that I was inflicting tiny psychological wounds at every turn, saying things like "You're such an idiot"..."how could you be so stupid to do..."...or the worst one..."You're never going to succeed and everyone will see you as just as much of a failure as you see yourself if you don't do this perfect". It is not something that can be changed over night and takes consistent practice. It takes about as much effort, for me, as learning a new intellectually challenging skill. However, it has been incredibly worthwhile, valuable, and life-changing in many ways.

laythea 8y ago
"It finally clicked for me when someone described how we are seemingly capable of providing compassion/validation/understanding/kindness to and/or seeking them from others. However, we were really bad at giving ourselves those same things." This is so true. But I do wonder whether this is because when we apply it for others, because it is "distant" to ourselves, we afford a certain amount more "slack". Maybe.
- bladegash 8y ago
  That's probably part of it. I think the other part of it is our "inner voice" needs training and practice at it. Having two young children of my own, I can see how upbringing and the way parents punish/praise their children plays a role in this. This is just my opinion and not based on any specific research, but think about how a parent typically curbs a perceived negative behavior. Ex. A child is eating dinner while standing up instead of sitting down. A parent will ask the child to sit down and possibly levy a consequence if they do not do it. Now think about all the other times the child ate at the dinner table and sat down (99% of the time). How many times was the child praised for sitting at the table as they were expected to? Similar examples can be found in how negative/positive reinforcement is implemented within the K-12 education system. The point being, we are likely trained from an early age to focus on criticizing our negative behavior(s) instead of reinforcing our positive ones.
AnIdiotOnTheNet 8y ago
> It finally clicked for me when someone described how we are seemingly capable of providing compassion/validation/understanding/kindness to and/or seeking them from others. However, we were really bad at giving ourselves those same things. That makes perfect sense though. It is harder to forgive our own faults and failures because we generally care more about our own outcomes than we do about others'.
- bladegash 8y ago
  I can understand why we do it, but it doesn't make perfect sense to me anymore. At the end of the day, the only person you can rely on for the things I described is yourself. If we care about our own outcomes more than others do, then that is even more reason to be able to praise your own accomplishments, be understanding of your mistakes, and reassure yourself that no matter what you'll be "ok" - even when things are really scary and/or challenging. However, that is not to say we should not acknowledge mistakes, take accountability for actions, and constantly strive to be better. I think you have to do both though, and unfortunately, I think many people are far more self-critical as opposed to their own best advocate.

laythea 8y ago

"It finally clicked for me when someone described how we are seemingly capable of providing compassion/validation/understanding/kindness to and/or seeking them from others. However, we were really bad at giving ourselves those same things." This is so true. But I do wonder whether this is because when we apply it for others, because it is "distant" to ourselves, we afford a certain amount more "slack". Maybe.

bladegash 8y ago
That's probably part of it. I think the other part of it is our "inner voice" needs training and practice at it. Having two young children of my own, I can see how upbringing and the way parents punish/praise their children plays a role in this. This is just my opinion and not based on any specific research, but think about how a parent typically curbs a perceived negative behavior. Ex. A child is eating dinner while standing up instead of sitting down. A parent will ask the child to sit down and possibly levy a consequence if they do not do it. Now think about all the other times the child ate at the dinner table and sat down (99% of the time). How many times was the child praised for sitting at the table as they were expected to? Similar examples can be found in how negative/positive reinforcement is implemented within the K-12 education system. The point being, we are likely trained from an early age to focus on criticizing our negative behavior(s) instead of reinforcing our positive ones.

AnIdiotOnTheNet 8y ago

> It finally clicked for me when someone described how we are seemingly capable of providing compassion/validation/understanding/kindness to and/or seeking them from others. However, we were really bad at giving ourselves those same things. That makes perfect sense though. It is harder to forgive our own faults and failures because we generally care more about our own outcomes than we do about others'.

bladegash 8y ago
I can understand why we do it, but it doesn't make perfect sense to me anymore. At the end of the day, the only person you can rely on for the things I described is yourself. If we care about our own outcomes more than others do, then that is even more reason to be able to praise your own accomplishments, be understanding of your mistakes, and reassure yourself that no matter what you'll be "ok" - even when things are really scary and/or challenging. However, that is not to say we should not acknowledge mistakes, take accountability for actions, and constantly strive to be better. I think you have to do both though, and unfortunately, I think many people are far more self-critical as opposed to their own best advocate.