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There’s also been a shift due to online and apps that give women an unlimited choice of men while giving the majority of men nearly no choice — the dating world

There’s also been a shift due to online and apps that give women an unlimited choice of men while giving the majority of men nearly no choice — the dating world for most men has become a lot more difficult over the last couple of years. I see my male friends really struggle and I see my female friends have unlimited options.

digi_owl 8y ago
Another element that i have noticed locally is that many more men pick up vocational work locally (because many vocational schools were established with support from local industry), while women leave for cities and such for education. And by the time they have finished that they have found a man that is also in that city for work or education.
oliveshell 8y ago
Has there really, though? It doesn’t seem like that’s the case where I am.
matte_black 8y ago
Females only have the upperhand until their 30s, when the pool of suitable men begins to dry up. After this point they must become increasingly attractive and prurient to maintain the same level of options as the average young 20 something.
- te_chris 8y ago
  I’m not sure this disproves the comment you’re replying to. There will always be the ‘reject pool’ from previous years, but women in their 30s seem to be better at moving on with their lives. Men seem to resent it and demand the world provide them a partner and blame women when they say (collectively) “nah mate, we’re good”.
  - matte_black 8y ago
    Women have plenty of resentment too, especially when they see men their age going after girls several years younger, something they didn’t really experience when they were young.
    - Thimothy 8y ago
      Because they were the ones dating the older guys. Oh, the irony.
  - curioussavage 8y ago
    I have met plenty of bitter older single women.
vanderZwan 8y ago
And are you at least fifty years old and have the perspective of previous generations when you make this claim?
ams6110 8y ago
Women have always had the upper hand in terms of choosing a mate. What's changed now is that their selection pool has gotten a lot larger than just the people they encounter and interact with in person.
- bitL 8y ago
  It's just perceived selection pool, mostly consisting of guys they despise and use for feeling better about themselves and desirable (they will tell you openly once they are comfortable with you they would prefer those guys not to exist at all), or momentarily top guys that are difficult to reach even for the prettiest/smartest of them, and where there is a literally brutal competition between them. If you are one of those top guys, you have to invent elaborate schemes how to reject a female so that she thinks it was her decision and leaves you alone ("how much nice/beta do I have to go until I start repulsing her?"), or just state/enforce expectations you have with them, maybe being shocked by mind-blowing admission that they would be willing to share you with other women only if you kept them as well. The problem of this is that it leaves females that are used to one-time attention from a top guy thinking that's their attractiveness level for the rest of their life and anyone marrying them walks straight into hell of "being never enough". So overall for society enforced monogamy might be way better than what we have now, i.e. most females flocking to top guys and using the rest for money, validation or easy life until their attractiveness fades away and they become broken shelves of persons. But hey, they front-loaded their life, trading exciting time in their prime for desolation of middle-to-older age. Just please don't force men to support them with taxes once they fall through the bottom. Those men didn't study/work hard to trade their prime years for supporting women that didn't give them time of day when they still were interested in them. That's not fair either; no wonder many of those men go for pathetic sex dolls and VR porn, or just leave society completely.
  - sarvinc 8y ago
    I’m not judging but this reads, to me, like you’re bitter. The majority of men and women may pursue mates based on superficial qualities but there are plenty who do not. I separated three years ago, divorced recently and met someone a month after deciding to date. I used Bumble. It was easy. She’s beautiful, smart (smarter than me), kind, honest, athletic, hard working, loving and a wonderful mother to her 10 Y.O. I live well below my means and only after commiting to a relationship did I realize just how poor she thought I was. My advice to you is that any women who would pursue a man for his looks and money isn’t worth your time. If you can’t find what you’re looking for you either need to work on your self or you need to look somewhere else. Again, I’m not judging but the idea that enforced monogamy is better for society leads me to believe that you’re the problem.
throwawaymath 8y ago
> There’s also been a shift due to online and apps that give women an unlimited choice of men while giving the majority of men nearly no choice How can that be? Why would it be empowering for one gender but not the other? What would the underlying reason be to explain that kind of social phenomenon? > I see my male friends really struggle and I see my female friends have unlimited options. I can counter your anecdata with my own...many of the women I know are having great difficulty finding men online because, in their experience, they're very picky. Speaking as a man, I would say I've also become more picky over time, not less. Here we're trading localized experience, but I think that there should be an accountable cause that would explain only men being adversely impacted. I don't see an obvious reason why online dating would make things harder for men but not harder for women and vice versa. I think the broader trend in online dating is that it's harder for unattractive people to find partners, regardless of sexual identity or preference; conversely it seems to be getting progressively easier for attractive people to find partners. People are presented with significantly more options, which makes me hypothesize that they're willing to say no to many people they would otherwise settle for. I don't think that's particularly harder on men than it is on women.
- brighteyes 8y ago
  >> There’s also been a shift due to online and apps that give women an unlimited choice of men while giving the majority of men nearly no choice > How can that be? Why would it be empowering for one gender but not the other? What would the underlying reason be to explain that kind of social phenomenon? Because there are large social differences between how the genders date. Given such differences, a change in how dating is done may favor one gender more than another. In practice, the most noticeable difference is that men are expected to message women (barring rare exceptions like Bumble). In current online dating, that means women receive a great many messages and can pick between them, while men must send a great many to have a chance at a response. At least that initial stage of dating has shifted in women's favor in recent years, but as you said, that's not the whole picture and despite all the messages women may have a hard time finding someone they like, depending on what they are looking for.
- andriesm 8y ago
  >>I don't see an obvious reason why online dating would make things harder for men but not harder for women and vice versa. I think the broader trend in online dating is that it's harder for unattractive people to find partners, regardless of sexual identity... On dating sites, men rate 50 percent of women as below average (in line with the statistical expectation), while women rate 80 percent of men as below average. It is a fact that women are pickier than men on average, and that women are less willing to marry down and to settle for less, than men are. This is why there is gender assymetry in how increased information efficiency in the dating market affects SMV (sexual market value) of men and women.
hndamien 8y ago
Your male friends potentially also have an unlimited choice in men ;)

digi_owl 8y ago

Another element that i have noticed locally is that many more men pick up vocational work locally (because many vocational schools were established with support from local industry), while women leave for cities and such for education. And by the time they have finished that they have found a man that is also in that city for work or education.

oliveshell 8y ago

Has there really, though? It doesn’t seem like that’s the case where I am.

matte_black 8y ago

Females only have the upperhand until their 30s, when the pool of suitable men begins to dry up. After this point they must become increasingly attractive and prurient to maintain the same level of options as the average young 20 something.

te_chris 8y ago
I’m not sure this disproves the comment you’re replying to. There will always be the ‘reject pool’ from previous years, but women in their 30s seem to be better at moving on with their lives. Men seem to resent it and demand the world provide them a partner and blame women when they say (collectively) “nah mate, we’re good”.
- matte_black 8y ago
  Women have plenty of resentment too, especially when they see men their age going after girls several years younger, something they didn’t really experience when they were young.
  - Thimothy 8y ago
    Because they were the ones dating the older guys. Oh, the irony.
- curioussavage 8y ago
  I have met plenty of bitter older single women.

vanderZwan 8y ago

And are you at least fifty years old and have the perspective of previous generations when you make this claim?

ams6110 8y ago

Women have always had the upper hand in terms of choosing a mate. What's changed now is that their selection pool has gotten a lot larger than just the people they encounter and interact with in person.

bitL 8y ago
It's just perceived selection pool, mostly consisting of guys they despise and use for feeling better about themselves and desirable (they will tell you openly once they are comfortable with you they would prefer those guys not to exist at all), or momentarily top guys that are difficult to reach even for the prettiest/smartest of them, and where there is a literally brutal competition between them. If you are one of those top guys, you have to invent elaborate schemes how to reject a female so that she thinks it was her decision and leaves you alone ("how much nice/beta do I have to go until I start repulsing her?"), or just state/enforce expectations you have with them, maybe being shocked by mind-blowing admission that they would be willing to share you with other women only if you kept them as well. The problem of this is that it leaves females that are used to one-time attention from a top guy thinking that's their attractiveness level for the rest of their life and anyone marrying them walks straight into hell of "being never enough". So overall for society enforced monogamy might be way better than what we have now, i.e. most females flocking to top guys and using the rest for money, validation or easy life until their attractiveness fades away and they become broken shelves of persons. But hey, they front-loaded their life, trading exciting time in their prime for desolation of middle-to-older age. Just please don't force men to support them with taxes once they fall through the bottom. Those men didn't study/work hard to trade their prime years for supporting women that didn't give them time of day when they still were interested in them. That's not fair either; no wonder many of those men go for pathetic sex dolls and VR porn, or just leave society completely.
- sarvinc 8y ago
  I’m not judging but this reads, to me, like you’re bitter. The majority of men and women may pursue mates based on superficial qualities but there are plenty who do not. I separated three years ago, divorced recently and met someone a month after deciding to date. I used Bumble. It was easy. She’s beautiful, smart (smarter than me), kind, honest, athletic, hard working, loving and a wonderful mother to her 10 Y.O. I live well below my means and only after commiting to a relationship did I realize just how poor she thought I was. My advice to you is that any women who would pursue a man for his looks and money isn’t worth your time. If you can’t find what you’re looking for you either need to work on your self or you need to look somewhere else. Again, I’m not judging but the idea that enforced monogamy is better for society leads me to believe that you’re the problem.

throwawaymath 8y ago

> There’s also been a shift due to online and apps that give women an unlimited choice of men while giving the majority of men nearly no choice How can that be? Why would it be empowering for one gender but not the other? What would the underlying reason be to explain that kind of social phenomenon? > I see my male friends really struggle and I see my female friends have unlimited options. I can counter your anecdata with my own...many of the women I know are having great difficulty finding men online because, in their experience, they're very picky. Speaking as a man, I would say I've also become more picky over time, not less. Here we're trading localized experience, but I think that there should be an accountable cause that would explain only men being adversely impacted. I don't see an obvious reason why online dating would make things harder for men but not harder for women and vice versa. I think the broader trend in online dating is that it's harder for unattractive people to find partners, regardless of sexual identity or preference; conversely it seems to be getting progressively easier for attractive people to find partners. People are presented with significantly more options, which makes me hypothesize that they're willing to say no to many people they would otherwise settle for. I don't think that's particularly harder on men than it is on women.

brighteyes 8y ago
>> There’s also been a shift due to online and apps that give women an unlimited choice of men while giving the majority of men nearly no choice > How can that be? Why would it be empowering for one gender but not the other? What would the underlying reason be to explain that kind of social phenomenon? Because there are large social differences between how the genders date. Given such differences, a change in how dating is done may favor one gender more than another. In practice, the most noticeable difference is that men are expected to message women (barring rare exceptions like Bumble). In current online dating, that means women receive a great many messages and can pick between them, while men must send a great many to have a chance at a response. At least that initial stage of dating has shifted in women's favor in recent years, but as you said, that's not the whole picture and despite all the messages women may have a hard time finding someone they like, depending on what they are looking for.
andriesm 8y ago
>>I don't see an obvious reason why online dating would make things harder for men but not harder for women and vice versa. I think the broader trend in online dating is that it's harder for unattractive people to find partners, regardless of sexual identity... On dating sites, men rate 50 percent of women as below average (in line with the statistical expectation), while women rate 80 percent of men as below average. It is a fact that women are pickier than men on average, and that women are less willing to marry down and to settle for less, than men are. This is why there is gender assymetry in how increased information efficiency in the dating market affects SMV (sexual market value) of men and women.

hndamien 8y ago

Your male friends potentially also have an unlimited choice in men ;)