Yeah, trivially, a language like Brainfuck is clearly not a good choice for anything professional or maintainable; therefore, there must be some selection crite

Yeah, trivially, a language like Brainfuck is clearly not a good choice for anything professional or maintainable; therefore, there must be some selection criteria that makes some languages objectively better than other languages. Whether PHP is a "bad" language or C# is better than Java is harder (and generally a waste of time -- pick something that works 95% of your use-case and figure out the other 5%), but refining the phrase to "no commercially used language is objectively superior to another" starts to make the statement useless to the point of irrelevance.