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Is it me or are we asking too much of our relationships? In the past, relationships were based on proximity more than anything else, but now int he world of end

by ALee 8y ago

Is it me or are we asking too much of our relationships? In the past, relationships were based on proximity more than anything else, but now int he world of endless choice, we seem to want more from our friends, our partners, our co-workers, etc. I think the whole thing is just so tiring. I think almost everyone I know would do something if I were in trouble and if I asked them (to a point, I don't know anyone who would want to take care of me for a month - even myself). I read recently that marriage is becoming the same thing where we want our partner to be EVERYTHING - the drinking buddy, the confidante, the psychological help, the travel partner... and supposedly that makes everyone unsatisfied with their partner because it's such a stupidly tall order. Do we hire people to do all those things for us too? On the other side though, if you find that person, you get REALLY good marriages. I would suspect the same is true with friendships. Instead of being worried whether a friend is a true friend, just relish that you have friends who can serve different purposes in your life and if you have a close one - enjoy it.

pm90 8y ago
Social media and the easy flow of information is perhaps partly to blame. Its much easier to see how/what the other people in your social graph are doing with their friends and feel your friends/relationships are inadequate. It seems to lead some very severe feeling of FOMO in many people I know. But your advice is absolutely spot on.
k__ 8y ago
What is wrong from wanting friends that can give you more than just proximity?
- mtreis86 8y ago
  It is fine if they are strong enough to provide more than basic friendship. But many people are effectively drowning in life and can't really help anyone else swim.
- deleted 8y ago
  [deleted]
- watwut 8y ago
  Nothing. But, you should give to them too then. And sometimes people just have too much on their plate to give and you should be the one giving.
  - k__ 8y ago
    That's what I do. Give and you will be given :)
- lostcolony 8y ago
  I think that's the wrong way of looking at it. In the past, when proximity was the biggest thing, we'd look to invest more in the people proximate to us. They like something I don't? Okay, fine, I'll do it, so I have a friend. And vice versa. I may not really care about doing X, but it's a way to connect. Now? Now we are willing to keep looking. We want perfect friends. We are less willing to invest time in people nothing like ourselves, because it's comparatively easy to find others. Even as i kid, I remember friendships that were basically "This kid is in my neighborhood" or "This kid's parents go to the same church as my parents", and that was it. Oh, they liked to rollerblade? Okay, I guess I'll learn to do that. I like video games; they'd learn to like that. Etc. Now? Now it's superhard; even places I'm proximate to others, why would I choose to spend time with them outside of the one activity that brings us in proximity?
  - k__ 8y ago
    Sounds loke a strawman to me. I didn't like the people where I grew up with and now I found people I like. And I didn't have to be nice to someone "just to have a friend"
    - lostcolony 8y ago
      If you didn't like any of the people around you, I will point out the one thing in common across all of those relationships. I mean, I get it; I grew up in an extremely conservative area, while being very liberal. I had to rub shoulders with kids of farmers who didn't value education and etc. But if I wanted any sort of social life, I had to make due with the people there, find those who I shared -something- with, and I did. I found those with an interest in gaming, those who wanted something more out of life than just staying there doing what their parents did, those who read, etc, and in doing so I had to work harder, be more intentional, and expand in ways I wouldn't have had I been able to just switch social circles easily until I found one more palatable.
      - k__ 8y ago
        I just found people online and moved away from the village after high school. That was 14 years ago and I never looked back. I found people who gave the feeling they really understood me. In the village I had nobody, only a few secretly facist nerds who thought they new everything there was to know...
bogomipz 8y ago
>"Is it me or are we asking too much of our relationships?" I understood the thrust of the article to be "the quality of human interactions" with our friends(its even in the title.) How can that be asking too much? Is it even possible to launch an actual friendship without meaningful interactions?
tjr225 8y ago
I think you're right on. A lot of my friends are of various ages and backgrounds with different hobbies. Some friends I only see once a month when we want to get together for some beers and catch up. Some less than that - and there's nothing wrong with relationships like that. In fact I would argue that those relationships tend to be more sincere.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
vertexFarm 8y ago
Exactly. You know what I like from a friend? Just somebody to feel comfortable around. We don't even really need to have good conversation or share interests, though those can be a plus. I like somebody who can be there and I don't feel anxious or have to put on my public face. That's really it. I don't want them to do a bunch of shit for me. I hate it when people do me a bunch of favors. It might be a character flaw of mine. But I can't stand the term "fair-weather friend" either. I'd never ask you to drag me out of a rough spell, so don't expect that I'm going to help you with all this bullshit. If you don't like that, fine. I can find someone else to be comfortable around.
- sage76 8y ago
  Why do you even want friends?
mendelk 8y ago
Relevant podcast episode: When Did Marriage Become So Hard? https://www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-become-so-hard https://www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-b...
ende 8y ago
Absolutley. Someone once said to me “different friends for different purposes”, and that’s been reliable advice across multiple types of relationships; especially significant others.

by ALee 8y ago

pm90 8y ago

Social media and the easy flow of information is perhaps partly to blame. Its much easier to see how/what the other people in your social graph are doing with their friends and feel your friends/relationships are inadequate. It seems to lead some very severe feeling of FOMO in many people I know. But your advice is absolutely spot on.

k__ 8y ago

What is wrong from wanting friends that can give you more than just proximity?

mtreis86 8y ago
It is fine if they are strong enough to provide more than basic friendship. But many people are effectively drowning in life and can't really help anyone else swim.
deleted 8y ago
[deleted]
watwut 8y ago
Nothing. But, you should give to them too then. And sometimes people just have too much on their plate to give and you should be the one giving.
- k__ 8y ago
  That's what I do. Give and you will be given :)
lostcolony 8y ago
I think that's the wrong way of looking at it. In the past, when proximity was the biggest thing, we'd look to invest more in the people proximate to us. They like something I don't? Okay, fine, I'll do it, so I have a friend. And vice versa. I may not really care about doing X, but it's a way to connect. Now? Now we are willing to keep looking. We want perfect friends. We are less willing to invest time in people nothing like ourselves, because it's comparatively easy to find others. Even as i kid, I remember friendships that were basically "This kid is in my neighborhood" or "This kid's parents go to the same church as my parents", and that was it. Oh, they liked to rollerblade? Okay, I guess I'll learn to do that. I like video games; they'd learn to like that. Etc. Now? Now it's superhard; even places I'm proximate to others, why would I choose to spend time with them outside of the one activity that brings us in proximity?
- k__ 8y ago
  Sounds loke a strawman to me. I didn't like the people where I grew up with and now I found people I like. And I didn't have to be nice to someone "just to have a friend"
  - lostcolony 8y ago
    If you didn't like any of the people around you, I will point out the one thing in common across all of those relationships. I mean, I get it; I grew up in an extremely conservative area, while being very liberal. I had to rub shoulders with kids of farmers who didn't value education and etc. But if I wanted any sort of social life, I had to make due with the people there, find those who I shared -something- with, and I did. I found those with an interest in gaming, those who wanted something more out of life than just staying there doing what their parents did, those who read, etc, and in doing so I had to work harder, be more intentional, and expand in ways I wouldn't have had I been able to just switch social circles easily until I found one more palatable.
    - k__ 8y ago
      I just found people online and moved away from the village after high school. That was 14 years ago and I never looked back. I found people who gave the feeling they really understood me. In the village I had nobody, only a few secretly facist nerds who thought they new everything there was to know...

bogomipz 8y ago

>"Is it me or are we asking too much of our relationships?" I understood the thrust of the article to be "the quality of human interactions" with our friends(its even in the title.) How can that be asking too much? Is it even possible to launch an actual friendship without meaningful interactions?

tjr225 8y ago

I think you're right on. A lot of my friends are of various ages and backgrounds with different hobbies. Some friends I only see once a month when we want to get together for some beers and catch up. Some less than that - and there's nothing wrong with relationships like that. In fact I would argue that those relationships tend to be more sincere.

deleted 8y ago

[deleted]

vertexFarm 8y ago

Exactly. You know what I like from a friend? Just somebody to feel comfortable around. We don't even really need to have good conversation or share interests, though those can be a plus. I like somebody who can be there and I don't feel anxious or have to put on my public face. That's really it. I don't want them to do a bunch of shit for me. I hate it when people do me a bunch of favors. It might be a character flaw of mine. But I can't stand the term "fair-weather friend" either. I'd never ask you to drag me out of a rough spell, so don't expect that I'm going to help you with all this bullshit. If you don't like that, fine. I can find someone else to be comfortable around.

sage76 8y ago
Why do you even want friends?

mendelk 8y ago

Relevant podcast episode: When Did Marriage Become So Hard? https://www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-become-so-hard https://www.npr.org/2018/02/12/584531641/when-did-marriage-b...

ende 8y ago

Absolutley. Someone once said to me “different friends for different purposes”, and that’s been reliable advice across multiple types of relationships; especially significant others.