5 ms·
disclaimer: i am only in my mid-twenties, so perhaps i lack sufficient perspective on this topic. i can only compare the landscape today against my childhood fr
by leetcrew 9y ago
disclaimer: i am only in my mid-twenties, so perhaps i lack sufficient perspective on this topic. i can only compare the landscape today against my childhood friendships.
i do remember having fewer, closer friends when i was younger. at the same time, i don't feel that we had much in common other than being the same age, in the same place, and being part of the "outgroup". i valued these relationships very much (and still do), but they represented the exhaustion of the local pool of viable friends. we spent so much time together and developed strong bonds mainly because there was no clear way to access a more global pool to select from.
today i have many acquaintances with whom i routinely share deep conversations over very specific interests (even irl!), and it is relatively easy to find more of these if i desire. while my social life is much more intellectually rich, it is definitely harder to develop a trusted confidant; conversations just never seem to naturally flow into that territory.
to me, it seems like the older style of friendship and the modern friendship occupy different places on roughly the same pareto frontier. you can certainly prefer one or the other, but i don't feel that either is intrinsically better.
- everdev 9y agoSometimes we think a friend does everything for us -- invites us out, listens to us, shares with us, teaches us, dares us, helps us grow, etc. Reality is certain people are better at certain things. Some friends will always go out and show you a good time, but they're not going to challenge you to be a better person. When you can accept them for the gifts they're willing and able to give, that's when you're friends.
- deleted 9y ago[deleted]
- xvedejas 9y agoI have managed to achieve friendships with the best aspects of both situations you mention, by renting a large house with five of my college friends right after school. We met due to shared interests and we routinely have deep conversations in the evenings. And now we also do a lot of things together, since we're the obvious people to approach to fulfill social needs, that we're developing strong bonds.
- jackgolding 9y agoI would say the opposite as someone who has moved around a fair bit in their life - the only people I've kept in touch with after I've moved have been those who I have a lot in common with. Now I'm in my late twenties shudders the only friends I've kept from my past lives are earning very well, living in a City and having a quarter life crisis (generally not stimulated by work, apprehensive to invest in very expensive property, having trouble getting into a romantic relationship)!
- thestephen 9y agoI am in the same age group and had the same experience as you when it comes to friends in the childhood. However, I have a different experience than you when it comes to adulthood. While I do have acquaintances I have great conversations with in niche areas, I have some very close friends I share a lot with. This did not come for free. Intimate, strong friendships was something formed by engaging in self-disclosure and intimacy, and slowly escalating this behavior. This can be hard, and from my experience, men are less used to this form of bonding.