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Many years ago (almost 20, I think), I was working as a contractor on a remote contract in a foreign country with one other person from my company, who also hap

Many years ago (almost 20, I think), I was working as a contractor on a remote contract in a foreign country with one other person from my company, who also happened to be a woman. Since we were the only Americans there, and were staying at the same hotel, we naturally ended up having lunch and dinner together, and talked quite a bit. She was married, and I knew that. She commented once that she was spending more time with me than she normally spent with her husband and I laughed and said, "yep, next thing you know I'll be at your house for thanksgiving dinner this year". She laughed, I didn't think much of it. Well, quite a while later, we had sort of a "falling out": she had sounds turned on on her computer (remember when you could configure windows to play a sound every time you deleted a file or got an e-mail?) I asked her to please mute those sounds because it was really distracting. She refused, and I asked to have my desk moved so I wasn't right next to her, which irritated her, since she relied on me for quite a bit of technical assistance and now she had to walk across the floor to talk to me. We argued about this for a while, but then the contract ended and we were back in the states. Next thing I know, I get a call from my boss that she's filed a formal sexual harassment claim against me, based on my comment that I was "going to show up at her house for thanksgiving dinner". As you can probably imagine, I've been very cautious about my interactions with female coworkers ever since.

Draiken 9y ago
This is such a big problem that is almost always thrown under the rug with an "exception" label. Yes it's an exception but it's a possible life/career wrecking exception. If you look at it objectively, this entire scenario is only possible with a man to woman interaction. If the woman had said the exact same thing to a man, he could never file a sexual harassment complaint against her. In fact he'd probably be laughed at if he tried. The same situation would happen if both were men. Logically speaking, why take the risk? I don't know how we tackle this though.
- commandlinefan 9y ago
  Yeah, I get the impression that it's rare, but... it's just not a risk I can afford take.
Jach 9y ago
How did that play out in the end if you don't mind sharing? Did you make "no comment" as to whether you actually said that, deny saying it altogether, or be honest (as I think is an engineer's inclination) that you said those words as an in-context joke? Did you wish you tried one of the other approaches?
- commandlinefan 9y ago
  LOL, yep, I was completely honest about it. My boss said something like, "Hm, I guess maybe things sound different here under the cold lights of the office environment" (I don't remember his exactly words, but "cold lights" was something that actually did come out of his mouth). In the end, they filed a report, gave me a warning to keep their bases covered, and I got on with my life. She was as difficult for everybody else to deal with as she was for me to deal with, so she left not too long after that anyway.
  - indoorfish 9y ago
    Any consolation, quite a while later means that while you got on with your life, someone else didn't

Draiken 9y ago

This is such a big problem that is almost always thrown under the rug with an "exception" label. Yes it's an exception but it's a possible life/career wrecking exception. If you look at it objectively, this entire scenario is only possible with a man to woman interaction. If the woman had said the exact same thing to a man, he could never file a sexual harassment complaint against her. In fact he'd probably be laughed at if he tried. The same situation would happen if both were men. Logically speaking, why take the risk? I don't know how we tackle this though.

commandlinefan 9y ago
Yeah, I get the impression that it's rare, but... it's just not a risk I can afford take.

Jach 9y ago

How did that play out in the end if you don't mind sharing? Did you make "no comment" as to whether you actually said that, deny saying it altogether, or be honest (as I think is an engineer's inclination) that you said those words as an in-context joke? Did you wish you tried one of the other approaches?

commandlinefan 9y ago
LOL, yep, I was completely honest about it. My boss said something like, "Hm, I guess maybe things sound different here under the cold lights of the office environment" (I don't remember his exactly words, but "cold lights" was something that actually did come out of his mouth). In the end, they filed a report, gave me a warning to keep their bases covered, and I got on with my life. She was as difficult for everybody else to deal with as she was for me to deal with, so she left not too long after that anyway.
- indoorfish 9y ago
  Any consolation, quite a while later means that while you got on with your life, someone else didn't