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One way to possibly look at this is that she opened up to you because she felt you might understand, to her you responded sceptically and out of professional se

One way to possibly look at this is that she opened up to you because she felt you might understand, to her you responded sceptically and out of professional self-interest she downplayed the whole thing. That doesn’t mean those guys are necessarily creepers but that you’ve definitely lost her trust.

Zarath 9y ago
What would you suggest a proper response is... "yeah, I know!"? To me, asking "what do you mean?" is a perfectly valid response to someone openly name calling people you know.
- meheleventyone 9y ago
  I presume from the general description the woman in question is a report so this is less gossip and more opening up to a manager. You’re dealing with another person sharing something that is probably emotionally difficult for them to say. I’d suggest a subtler approach than immediately busting in with the evidence requests. It’s a slower process which is neither immediately believing or disbelieving the accusation but taking it seriously. Being open to the possibility and seeing where it leads rather than shutting things down because it’s uncomfortable. Because presumably the woman is also someone you know that you wouldn’t want to be hurt as well.
  - Mythanar 9y ago
    Didn't you just describe the downsides in dealing with women in perfect detail? That complicated attempts at telepathing how emotional it is for them, "subtler approaches", "slower processes", "shutting things down because it's uncomfortable". None of that is needed when both parties are males. Not to mention the entire possibility of that scenario happening is then about nil to begin with.
    - dang 9y ago
      > the downsides in dealing with women Between that and "skip the females" this account has gone beyond garden-variety flamewar into uglier incivility and I'm going to ban it. Twice in one thread is more than a slip. If you don't want to be banned, you're welcome to read https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and email us a reason to believe that you'll follow the rules in the future.
  - modbait 9y ago
    You're saying she found it emotionally difficult to describe her coworkers as "creepy"? I don't think so.
- yosito 9y ago
  I'd say a proper response is one that conveys empathy and validation of her feelings. Grilling her for specifics could feel threatening, but showing concern or curiosity about her feelings could make her feel safe enough to open up. Possible things that could be part of a proper response: "Oh, yeah, I've noticed a few of the guys are unaware of social cues. Has anyone done anything that felt threatening?", "Yeah, sometimes guys don't realize how they come off. I'm sorry they've made you feel that way.", body language that is non-threatening like sitting down, relaxing your shoulders, standing far enough away, facial expressions that reflect the feelings she's expressing to you.
JPKab 9y ago
No, I haven't lost her trust, nor was my response skeptical. In fact, she recognized my purpose was not to doubt her but to correct any behaviors the men had that was making her and other females uncomfortable. But thanks for assuming.

Zarath 9y ago

What would you suggest a proper response is... "yeah, I know!"? To me, asking "what do you mean?" is a perfectly valid response to someone openly name calling people you know.

meheleventyone 9y ago
I presume from the general description the woman in question is a report so this is less gossip and more opening up to a manager. You’re dealing with another person sharing something that is probably emotionally difficult for them to say. I’d suggest a subtler approach than immediately busting in with the evidence requests. It’s a slower process which is neither immediately believing or disbelieving the accusation but taking it seriously. Being open to the possibility and seeing where it leads rather than shutting things down because it’s uncomfortable. Because presumably the woman is also someone you know that you wouldn’t want to be hurt as well.
- Mythanar 9y ago
  Didn't you just describe the downsides in dealing with women in perfect detail? That complicated attempts at telepathing how emotional it is for them, "subtler approaches", "slower processes", "shutting things down because it's uncomfortable". None of that is needed when both parties are males. Not to mention the entire possibility of that scenario happening is then about nil to begin with.
  - dang 9y ago
    > the downsides in dealing with women Between that and "skip the females" this account has gone beyond garden-variety flamewar into uglier incivility and I'm going to ban it. Twice in one thread is more than a slip. If you don't want to be banned, you're welcome to read https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html and email us a reason to believe that you'll follow the rules in the future.
- modbait 9y ago
  You're saying she found it emotionally difficult to describe her coworkers as "creepy"? I don't think so.
yosito 9y ago
I'd say a proper response is one that conveys empathy and validation of her feelings. Grilling her for specifics could feel threatening, but showing concern or curiosity about her feelings could make her feel safe enough to open up. Possible things that could be part of a proper response: "Oh, yeah, I've noticed a few of the guys are unaware of social cues. Has anyone done anything that felt threatening?", "Yeah, sometimes guys don't realize how they come off. I'm sorry they've made you feel that way.", body language that is non-threatening like sitting down, relaxing your shoulders, standing far enough away, facial expressions that reflect the feelings she's expressing to you.

JPKab 9y ago

No, I haven't lost her trust, nor was my response skeptical. In fact, she recognized my purpose was not to doubt her but to correct any behaviors the men had that was making her and other females uncomfortable. But thanks for assuming.