3 ms·

I haven't read the article. My reply is not a response to the article, but intended for an audience who might think their life is looking all downhill from here

I haven't read the article. My reply is not a response to the article, but intended for an audience who might think their life is looking all downhill from here. In my late 20s my life looked like downhill. I had had friends but I had no friends at that point. I was single and alone. I was depressed and anxious. The only good thing I had going for me was that I had a job. Just before I turned 30 I was fortunate to come across a video on youtube which pointed out that there were various quite impressive personages who were at 30 failures and only became the impressive persons after that date. I don't have to become a genius, but it's nice to know that our society's rich privilege that favors young people says nothing about human nature. Life can get better from any starting point, and there's nothing wrong with ageing. And then I joined a community where I was able to find friends. (In my case, it's the Esperanto community.) Now I'm engaged to someone I met through the community (though she's not an Esperantist) and my own personal community of friends has expanded even further. Now I've got the opposite problem I used to have - I have so many friends I struggle to balance them all (and my own need to have some empty time - perhaps higher than average because I became so accustomed to being alone). It happened in only a few short years (today I'm almost 34, but it feels like I've got another life). My fiancee regards me as an optimist - anyone who knew me five years ago would be shocked. And all this is to say nothing about the changes I've witnessed in my parents' lives in the same period. It might be harder for humans to get friends after 30 but you don't need to think "I'm a friendless blahblah year old, what hope is there for me?".

craftyguy 8y ago
TIL about Esperanto. Sounds interesting.
antognini 8y ago
Saluton, samideanton! Kiel vi trovis tiun komunumon? Kaj kiel vi trovis vian fianĉinon tra esperantlingva komunumo? Mi pensas, ke estas rakonto tie.
simsla 8y ago
As someone who's in the same boat (Late twenties. Moved to a country where I don't know anyone. "Discovered" that most people already have friends, and they don't materialise spontaneously as they used to at uni.), your comment resonates with me. What do you think is required to bond at these things? I've done a couple of after-work activities in an attempt to socialise, but I haven't struck gold yet. (At cooking class, people seem more interested in catching their train, than socialising afterwards.) It's occurred to me that any out of hours activity just has far less social exposure than what I'm used to. For example, at school you'd sit next to someone for 8 hours a day. To get the same kind of exposure from a weekly 1 or 2-hour class would take 1 or two months! I'm wondering if you have any thoughts about which aspects helped bridge this in your case. A deep, shared interest in Esperanto? Luck? Nothing in particular?
- annywhey 8y ago
  The advice that's stuck in my head for building up a social group is: Schedule an event of your own choosing. Advertise it when you go to other events. Something that is easy to get to, undemanding, and not costly or highly exclusive(e.g. board game night, Wednesday night coffee at Starbucks). Let people you meet and want to be friends with know about it. Hold the event. Nobody shows up the first time - that's fine. And some crowds will never be receptive but you can't tell them what's good for them. Just keep holding it regularly on a strict schedule and letting folks know and eventually your circle appears. Then you can repeat this process, if you want, to filter the group down. It can swing quickly between empty and full calendar since time is actually relatively scarce.
  - baby 8y ago
    ^ this. People always appreciate when you invite them, and then they might decide to invite you to other stuff later (even if they don't show up to your thing). A decade ago, I used to organize "volleyball" afternoons. I hate volleyball, but I would just do it and invite anyone I could. Made a lot of friends like this :) 5 year later (and earlier) I would organize drinks every Wednesday along the docks of Bordeaux during the summer and I would invite all the people I could. What started as a few people became dozens and dozens of people.

craftyguy 8y ago

TIL about Esperanto. Sounds interesting.

antognini 8y ago

Saluton, samideanton! Kiel vi trovis tiun komunumon? Kaj kiel vi trovis vian fianĉinon tra esperantlingva komunumo? Mi pensas, ke estas rakonto tie.

simsla 8y ago

As someone who's in the same boat (Late twenties. Moved to a country where I don't know anyone. "Discovered" that most people already have friends, and they don't materialise spontaneously as they used to at uni.), your comment resonates with me. What do you think is required to bond at these things? I've done a couple of after-work activities in an attempt to socialise, but I haven't struck gold yet. (At cooking class, people seem more interested in catching their train, than socialising afterwards.) It's occurred to me that any out of hours activity just has far less social exposure than what I'm used to. For example, at school you'd sit next to someone for 8 hours a day. To get the same kind of exposure from a weekly 1 or 2-hour class would take 1 or two months! I'm wondering if you have any thoughts about which aspects helped bridge this in your case. A deep, shared interest in Esperanto? Luck? Nothing in particular?

annywhey 8y ago
The advice that's stuck in my head for building up a social group is: Schedule an event of your own choosing. Advertise it when you go to other events. Something that is easy to get to, undemanding, and not costly or highly exclusive(e.g. board game night, Wednesday night coffee at Starbucks). Let people you meet and want to be friends with know about it. Hold the event. Nobody shows up the first time - that's fine. And some crowds will never be receptive but you can't tell them what's good for them. Just keep holding it regularly on a strict schedule and letting folks know and eventually your circle appears. Then you can repeat this process, if you want, to filter the group down. It can swing quickly between empty and full calendar since time is actually relatively scarce.
- baby 8y ago
  ^ this. People always appreciate when you invite them, and then they might decide to invite you to other stuff later (even if they don't show up to your thing). A decade ago, I used to organize "volleyball" afternoons. I hate volleyball, but I would just do it and invite anyone I could. Made a lot of friends like this :) 5 year later (and earlier) I would organize drinks every Wednesday along the docks of Bordeaux during the summer and I would invite all the people I could. What started as a few people became dozens and dozens of people.