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What do you do when your friends don't pick up, or if they aren't willing to go on outings with you? I think the biggest contributor to my loneliness is that n

What do you do when your friends don't pick up, or if they aren't willing to go on outings with you? I think the biggest contributor to my loneliness is that no one seems to like me. I reach out to hang out, and usually, get rejected.

majormajor 8y ago
The only answer I ever found to this was "find different friends" - or, more directly, "find real friends who do like you more." But it's very, very hard.
cryptozeus 8y ago
or it could be that they are all busy and lonely too. Do they hang out without you ? As another person said, just find your tribe.
forapurpose 8y ago
That can be really tough; I've had similar experiences and I'm sorry to see what you're going through. You are not the only one (there's an article above with the data!). I hope some of this helps; f some is way off base, ignore that part: Most of all, have compassion for and care about yourself. It doesn't solve every problem, but it's the most important relationship you have by far. Without it, you'll always be lonely no matter who is around. With it, how others respond won't matter so much. Have compassion for the other people too, especially those who don't respond. They have their own problems which have nothing to do with you, which, like everyone else's problems, might make them a*holes at times. The reasons they don't respond likely have nothing to do with you. Don't objectify them - don't make them characters in your narrative of your social life; they have their own narratives independently of everyone else. Another reason to have compassion for them is that people in your situation tend to adopt a perspective where all the power is in the hands of others: They respond or they don't. It's not a healthy (or realistic) perspective; you have power too and they are flawed, vulnerable human beings too. And more practically, instead of worrying about people who don't seem to respond, keep trying until you find some who do - it can be hard to motivate yourself but it's worth the effort. For everyone, there are plenty of both kinds and it's no shame if it doesn't work out with some - that's inevitable given the odds - or if the ones that will respond are hard to find. You don't need many successes to have a social life and you are worth the effort no matter how bad your experiences so far. Finally, many people find themselves lonely at times in their life, and find they need only one really close relationship, a life partner. If you have yourself (see above) and a life partner, then the other relationships become much less significant. Maybe that's the real goal; it can take a lot of looking, but once you find the person you both have it made (with plenty of work!). Good luck!
sudouser 8y ago
personal experience: moving towns I made friendship initially with a group, but didn’t fit, so I changed to a group of friends where I truly fitted
stillsut 8y ago
This will seem counter-intuitive but work on opening up strangers in public places, and your friends will end up gravitating towards you. Gladwell observed in Tipping Point that most peoples' social circle is usually created by one high connection "maven" who connects many low connection end nodes. You want to try to move closer to how that maven operates. Concretely: If you go out with a friend, and end up becoming buddies with the waitress, and then also know of an after party you can bring the friend to, by virtue of your network, you will constantly be getting solicited to hang out. Even more quantitatively: if you can average +2 casual connections per day when you try, you'll be doing very well. But two connections in a day is very difficult for most people on HN; you'll have to work and experiment on how to achieve that.
- xor1 8y ago
  I'm kind of a maven, except all of my friends end up disliking each other.
  - stillsut 8y ago
    Common misconception: having your finger in a lot of different pies is not being a Maven. If you joined an improv group, a church group, a softball team, and an MMA gym, you're at best a conglomerate, but more likely an overextended end node.
    - xor1 8y ago
      I don't meet people through groups, I just go up to them in public
- taurath 8y ago
  I call those social connectors - one of the biggest differences I’ve seen having moved from California to the PNW is that they have large groups with absolutely no connectors. Having usually been one (but between groups), it’s signifcantly detracted from the quality of relationships here - it takes so much effort to get “into” a group because there is no front door, just a long slow osmosis by proximity.
ctchocula 8y ago
I usually try to find out what passions the other person has. If somebody is passionate about something (no matter what), then they have experienced depth in that topic. I want that depth; it is the underlying treasure of this world. That's why I will steer the conversation in that direction. If somebody I talk to wants to have a shallow pretentious chat, we can safely depart after 3 minutes, him thinking: "ok, that's one of the weird ones, that doesn't believe in the value of a high society chat". I celebrate being different and open-minded and non-elitist (in the sense that I don't feel that I'm better than anybody else) and all my close friends do too. You probably have a reason for liking those Japanese bands. They excite you somehow. Find out why. If you can articulate it, then people will be able to understand your passion.
sli 8y ago
My biggest issue is similar. My friends and I can hang out together easily, but we don't really just hang out anymore, they always want to go to bars and I'm not really into that.

majormajor 8y ago

The only answer I ever found to this was "find different friends" - or, more directly, "find real friends who do like you more." But it's very, very hard.

cryptozeus 8y ago

or it could be that they are all busy and lonely too. Do they hang out without you ? As another person said, just find your tribe.

forapurpose 8y ago

That can be really tough; I've had similar experiences and I'm sorry to see what you're going through. You are not the only one (there's an article above with the data!). I hope some of this helps; f some is way off base, ignore that part: Most of all, have compassion for and care about yourself. It doesn't solve every problem, but it's the most important relationship you have by far. Without it, you'll always be lonely no matter who is around. With it, how others respond won't matter so much. Have compassion for the other people too, especially those who don't respond. They have their own problems which have nothing to do with you, which, like everyone else's problems, might make them a*holes at times. The reasons they don't respond likely have nothing to do with you. Don't objectify them - don't make them characters in your narrative of your social life; they have their own narratives independently of everyone else. Another reason to have compassion for them is that people in your situation tend to adopt a perspective where all the power is in the hands of others: They respond or they don't. It's not a healthy (or realistic) perspective; you have power too and they are flawed, vulnerable human beings too. And more practically, instead of worrying about people who don't seem to respond, keep trying until you find some who do - it can be hard to motivate yourself but it's worth the effort. For everyone, there are plenty of both kinds and it's no shame if it doesn't work out with some - that's inevitable given the odds - or if the ones that will respond are hard to find. You don't need many successes to have a social life and you are worth the effort no matter how bad your experiences so far. Finally, many people find themselves lonely at times in their life, and find they need only one really close relationship, a life partner. If you have yourself (see above) and a life partner, then the other relationships become much less significant. Maybe that's the real goal; it can take a lot of looking, but once you find the person you both have it made (with plenty of work!). Good luck!

sudouser 8y ago

personal experience: moving towns I made friendship initially with a group, but didn’t fit, so I changed to a group of friends where I truly fitted

stillsut 8y ago

This will seem counter-intuitive but work on opening up strangers in public places, and your friends will end up gravitating towards you. Gladwell observed in Tipping Point that most peoples' social circle is usually created by one high connection "maven" who connects many low connection end nodes. You want to try to move closer to how that maven operates. Concretely: If you go out with a friend, and end up becoming buddies with the waitress, and then also know of an after party you can bring the friend to, by virtue of your network, you will constantly be getting solicited to hang out. Even more quantitatively: if you can average +2 casual connections per day when you try, you'll be doing very well. But two connections in a day is very difficult for most people on HN; you'll have to work and experiment on how to achieve that.

xor1 8y ago
I'm kind of a maven, except all of my friends end up disliking each other.
- stillsut 8y ago
  Common misconception: having your finger in a lot of different pies is not being a Maven. If you joined an improv group, a church group, a softball team, and an MMA gym, you're at best a conglomerate, but more likely an overextended end node.
  - xor1 8y ago
    I don't meet people through groups, I just go up to them in public
taurath 8y ago
I call those social connectors - one of the biggest differences I’ve seen having moved from California to the PNW is that they have large groups with absolutely no connectors. Having usually been one (but between groups), it’s signifcantly detracted from the quality of relationships here - it takes so much effort to get “into” a group because there is no front door, just a long slow osmosis by proximity.

ctchocula 8y ago

I usually try to find out what passions the other person has. If somebody is passionate about something (no matter what), then they have experienced depth in that topic. I want that depth; it is the underlying treasure of this world. That's why I will steer the conversation in that direction. If somebody I talk to wants to have a shallow pretentious chat, we can safely depart after 3 minutes, him thinking: "ok, that's one of the weird ones, that doesn't believe in the value of a high society chat". I celebrate being different and open-minded and non-elitist (in the sense that I don't feel that I'm better than anybody else) and all my close friends do too. You probably have a reason for liking those Japanese bands. They excite you somehow. Find out why. If you can articulate it, then people will be able to understand your passion.

sli 8y ago

My biggest issue is similar. My friends and I can hang out together easily, but we don't really just hang out anymore, they always want to go to bars and I'm not really into that.