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Best thing I did for my social life was stop working in tech and using tech as much as possible. I visit the same cafe every morning and now know all the regula
by fogzen 8y ago
Best thing I did for my social life was stop working in tech and using tech as much as possible. I visit the same cafe every morning and now know all the regulars. I stopped buying groceries online and go to the store now. I call friends instead of texting and plan outings. I ride a bike and stop to chat with people wherever I go. I don’t watch TV, or play video games. I go the bookstore (only one left in my city) instead of Amazon, and I chat with people in the bookstore.
I now deeply regret working as a software engineer in my 20s, as I’ve realized it contributed massively to my loneliness. Which is sad because I used to be so excited about technology and now I see it as the biggest trend in reducing quality of life.
It seems the more interactions that are mediated by technology the less human contact we have.
- soulnothing 8y agoIf you don't mind me asking what career did you switch too? I've long thought of leaving software.
- fogzen 8y agoI don’t have a career. I don’t want one anymore. I work for low wage at a sign shop part time, and do consulting part time. I have some software side projects but they don’t make much money. I’m saving all the money from consulting and odd jobs to put towards starting some sort of small business, but I don’t know what yet. I sometimes build bikes and sell them.
- static_noise 8y agoHow do you finance your daily living?
- hackits 8y agoPretty easy to eat a healthy diet of legumes, chick-peas, vegetables, white meat on a low budget. Use a bike to get around.
- ahtu123 8y agoI guess moving out of a tech city is the first step though. Rent is hard to afford.
- hackits 8y agoHardest part is actually for most guys putting themselves as a the point of origin as the most important person.
- cryptozeus 8y agoSeems like this should be explored as a blog post by you....please write one
- baxtr 8y agoI applaud the change you’ve made in your life. I think it’s great. However, living like that is pretty difficult if you have to provide for a family.
- throwawaymaroon 8y agoIt is irresponsible to birth kids into a problem-riddled lifestyle ending in their wage slavery. If he has kids at least he won't be dooming them to repeat the suburban hellhole trap.
- soulnothing 8y agoThanks for the response. This is exactly where I want to go, I just need to clear existing debt first.
- sizzle 8y agoHow do you pay the bills comfortably and do you support a family?
- fogzen 8y agoI have as few bills as possible. Just rent, phone, gas, and health insurance. No Netflix or other entertainment subscriptions, no amazon prime, no mortgage etc. I don’t have the latest phone or clothing, I don’t buy things I don’t absolutely need. Most of my money goes to rent and food and my health insurance. No I don’t support a family. But keep in mind my parents raised me waiting on tables.
- TaylorSwift 8y agoI agree. Less is more. The less you have, the more happier you are -- you spend time more on what counts.
- dclowd9901 8y agoKeep in mind your parents _could_ support you on waiting tables. That is no longer as viable. I'm sorry, but your whole experience reeks of the annoying kind of self-righteousness that only people with no real obligations have.
- lamarpye 8y agoI don't see it that way, he found a path that works for him. The path might not be right for everyone, but there might be pieces that everyone could use.
- chillwaves 8y ago> with no real obligations have. Because he doesn't have kids? It is an obligation to take care of oneself, to be self sufficient. What you say is slandering this guy's work. he's not living at home with his parents paying his rent, he's not living on welfare. He's making his way in the world on his own. "No real obligations"?
- 8y ago
- arthurmerlin 8y agoWhat do you do when your friends don't pick up, or if they aren't willing to go on outings with you? I think the biggest contributor to my loneliness is that no one seems to like me. I reach out to hang out, and usually, get rejected.
- majormajor 8y agoThe only answer I ever found to this was "find different friends" - or, more directly, "find real friends who do like you more." But it's very, very hard.
- cryptozeus 8y agoor it could be that they are all busy and lonely too. Do they hang out without you ? As another person said, just find your tribe.
- forapurpose 8y agoThat can be really tough; I've had similar experiences and I'm sorry to see what you're going through. You are not the only one (there's an article above with the data!). I hope some of this helps; f some is way off base, ignore that part: Most of all, have compassion for and care about yourself. It doesn't solve every problem, but it's the most important relationship you have by far. Without it, you'll always be lonely no matter who is around. With it, how others respond won't matter so much. Have compassion for the other people too, especially those who don't respond. They have their own problems which have nothing to do with you, which, like everyone else's problems, might make them a*holes at times. The reasons they don't respond likely have nothing to do with you. Don't objectify them - don't make them characters in your narrative of your social life; they have their own narratives independently of everyone else. Another reason to have compassion for them is that people in your situation tend to adopt a perspective where all the power is in the hands of others: They respond or they don't. It's not a healthy (or realistic) perspective; you have power too and they are flawed, vulnerable human beings too. And more practically, instead of worrying about people who don't seem to respond, keep trying until you find some who do - it can be hard to motivate yourself but it's worth the effort. For everyone, there are plenty of both kinds and it's no shame if it doesn't work out with some - that's inevitable given the odds - or if the ones that will respond are hard to find. You don't need many successes to have a social life and you are worth the effort no matter how bad your experiences so far. Finally, many people find themselves lonely at times in their life, and find they need only one really close relationship, a life partner. If you have yourself (see above) and a life partner, then the other relationships become much less significant. Maybe that's the real goal; it can take a lot of looking, but once you find the person you both have it made (with plenty of work!). Good luck!
- bpiche 8y agomy man ivan illich strongly agreed with you in his 'disabling professions', which you may enjoy. he generally argued that many of our needs are manufactured by various institutionalized forms of care (healthcare, education, transportation) which respectively reduce our abilities to care for, educate, and move ourselves around.
- taurath 8y agoAlternately, if the workplace is a caring one and not sociopathic, it could encourage people to socialize more. I’d bet people socialize a lot more in Europe for example, where there’s a more even contract between worker and business.. but hey may be wrong.
- herbst 8y agoIMO this doesn't have to be controversial to each other. I am software dev as well, however I call friends or even just drive by, I shop most things in actual stores (except things I have to import because my market is rather small and limited), I never gamed, never owned a TV (I do enjoy some series tho), ride my bike everywhere and love to meet people on the way. Hence I even visit (or call if anywhere else) my bank once a month instead of online banking. I love creating Technologie that contributes to my way of life instead of making me more isolated.
- marsrover 8y agoI took a sabbatical from tech (didn't touch a computer, worked as a chef) for several years for this very reason. If I had never taken it I wouldn't have met my wife.
- mancerayder 8y agoI've worked in tech for 15+ years and met almost all my friends through it. What about tech did you find to be so harmful socially?
- syndacks 8y agoThanks for sharing this. You're a voice for a lot of people, especially on HN, who feel like they need to be up with the latest trends on tech to be happy or cool or relevant. But when you zoom out and think about the fact that most people on this site, and really a lot of people in society in general, sedentarily stare at a glowing rectangle for 8+ hours a day, you wonder why there aren't more comments like yours.