4 ms·

I understand your pain - I'm a female CTO. Gender of the 4 is mixed and we have a pretty even gender ratio overall.

DoreenMichele 9y ago
Let me respectfully suggest that part of the problem may be your gender. Men and women both expect women to do emotional labor on behalf of others, often to an unreasonable degree. If that is a factor, there's no easy solution. But if it is a factor, it may help to be aware of the issue. If you aren't familiar, emotional labor is kind of a hot catch phrase and there are articles and discussions out there. I tend to be good at the emotional labor thing and it has a history of getting me imposed upon to an unreasonable degree. People often expect me to deeply respect them and kiss their boo-boos and make them feel okay about everything. This often occurs while I am being treated very disrespectfully and can't get my needs met. If you are the CTO, why is peacemaking your job? That isn't usually one of the official duties of a CTO, is it? If that is the issue, you will need to learn to alter your behavior so people feel less free to impose in this manner. You will also need to think through just how much you need to be interceding in the relationships of employees. You can work on doing ice breaker exercises and team building exercises etc. But if the real problem is that you are being viewed as the team mom and people want you to fix everything and expect perfection, that may not fully resolve the issue.
- HeyLaughingBoy 9y ago
  Doreen, I've read your comments here for quite some time and they are generally insightful and I usually agree with you, but this time I think that as the CTO, peacemaking is her job. At least, it would be in such a small environment. It's really less about peacemaking and more about making sure that her team integrates well with the rest of the company. I agree with the poster who said to at least make sure he understands what he's doing that is causing a problem. I've been in his position and had absolutely no idea what people were complaining (behind my back!) about. As a team lead, it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. I sometimes have to point out to my devs that their behavior is being perceived as rude or uncaring to people outside the team. In our little company without an HR dept, it's up to me to figure out how that can be resolved. As my wife likes to say "you can't talk to everyone else like they're all engineers." :-)
  - DoreenMichele 9y ago
    it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. Sure, but you aren't right this minute finding it so impossible to deal with that you need to get advice from internet strangers on how to handle it. And perhaps one factor is gender. People often set different expectations for women than for men. Those expectations can be unreasonable. When my oldest son was a little boy, he came to me every single day, multiple times a day to ask if he could use the bathroom. I was all sweetness and light and reassured him that of course he could. That's what it was there for. This was an aggravating and enormous imposition. Both my kids have special needs. I have health problems. I was chronically short of sleep. No amount of reassuring him that he could use the bathroom any time he wanted ever put a stop to him nagging me for warm fuzzy reassurance. After two years of this, I began replying "No, you cannot use the bathroom. Tie a knot in it. In fact, I plan to have both bathrooms removed." He would look at me with gears turning behind his eyes, then walk off to the bathroom. After a week or two, the questions stopped. He just began using the toilet without first imposing on me for reassurance that it was okay. My son had never done the same thing to his dad or anyone else. He only imposed on me -- endlessly -- for completely unnecessary feel good reassurance about ten times a day every single day until I stopped feeling obligated to provide that for bathroom trips. Women are often expected to be bottomless dispensers of positive emotional experiences to a degree and in a manner that is not typically expected of men. Her peacemaking duties may not be what you are experiencing. And it is worth considering the possibility that employees are imposing excessively upon her.
    - scxyz42 9y ago
      There is an expectation on me to be a mediator, and gender (in addition to my personality type) could play a role. I'd like to think that's a strength, but I will be more cognizant of accidentally creating too many emotional dependencies. :) Thanks for your perspective - I really appreciate it.
- afarrell 9y ago
  > why is peacemaking your job? Isn't that generally one of the jobs of a leader, to help diagnose and mediate conflict among stakeholders?
  - DoreenMichele 9y ago
    Yes, of course, leaders need to do that. But there are other leadership positions there. She isn't the only one. I would assume the Chief Technical Officer is not usually primarily considered to be a people person and that other leaders would usually be the go to person for this kind of friction. It was a question intended as food for thought about the exact dynamic of the situation.

Let me respectfully suggest that part of the problem may be your gender. Men and women both expect women to do emotional labor on behalf of others, often to an unreasonable degree. If that is a factor, there's no easy solution. But if it is a factor, it may help to be aware of the issue. If you aren't familiar, emotional labor is kind of a hot catch phrase and there are articles and discussions out there. I tend to be good at the emotional labor thing and it has a history of getting me imposed upon to an unreasonable degree. People often expect me to deeply respect them and kiss their boo-boos and make them feel okay about everything. This often occurs while I am being treated very disrespectfully and can't get my needs met. If you are the CTO, why is peacemaking your job? That isn't usually one of the official duties of a CTO, is it? If that is the issue, you will need to learn to alter your behavior so people feel less free to impose in this manner. You will also need to think through just how much you need to be interceding in the relationships of employees. You can work on doing ice breaker exercises and team building exercises etc. But if the real problem is that you are being viewed as the team mom and people want you to fix everything and expect perfection, that may not fully resolve the issue.

HeyLaughingBoy 9y ago
Doreen, I've read your comments here for quite some time and they are generally insightful and I usually agree with you, but this time I think that as the CTO, peacemaking is her job. At least, it would be in such a small environment. It's really less about peacemaking and more about making sure that her team integrates well with the rest of the company. I agree with the poster who said to at least make sure he understands what he's doing that is causing a problem. I've been in his position and had absolutely no idea what people were complaining (behind my back!) about. As a team lead, it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. I sometimes have to point out to my devs that their behavior is being perceived as rude or uncaring to people outside the team. In our little company without an HR dept, it's up to me to figure out how that can be resolved. As my wife likes to say "you can't talk to everyone else like they're all engineers." :-)
- DoreenMichele 9y ago
  it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. Sure, but you aren't right this minute finding it so impossible to deal with that you need to get advice from internet strangers on how to handle it. And perhaps one factor is gender. People often set different expectations for women than for men. Those expectations can be unreasonable. When my oldest son was a little boy, he came to me every single day, multiple times a day to ask if he could use the bathroom. I was all sweetness and light and reassured him that of course he could. That's what it was there for. This was an aggravating and enormous imposition. Both my kids have special needs. I have health problems. I was chronically short of sleep. No amount of reassuring him that he could use the bathroom any time he wanted ever put a stop to him nagging me for warm fuzzy reassurance. After two years of this, I began replying "No, you cannot use the bathroom. Tie a knot in it. In fact, I plan to have both bathrooms removed." He would look at me with gears turning behind his eyes, then walk off to the bathroom. After a week or two, the questions stopped. He just began using the toilet without first imposing on me for reassurance that it was okay. My son had never done the same thing to his dad or anyone else. He only imposed on me -- endlessly -- for completely unnecessary feel good reassurance about ten times a day every single day until I stopped feeling obligated to provide that for bathroom trips. Women are often expected to be bottomless dispensers of positive emotional experiences to a degree and in a manner that is not typically expected of men. Her peacemaking duties may not be what you are experiencing. And it is worth considering the possibility that employees are imposing excessively upon her.
  - scxyz42 9y ago
    There is an expectation on me to be a mediator, and gender (in addition to my personality type) could play a role. I'd like to think that's a strength, but I will be more cognizant of accidentally creating too many emotional dependencies. :) Thanks for your perspective - I really appreciate it.
afarrell 9y ago
> why is peacemaking your job? Isn't that generally one of the jobs of a leader, to help diagnose and mediate conflict among stakeholders?
- DoreenMichele 9y ago
  Yes, of course, leaders need to do that. But there are other leadership positions there. She isn't the only one. I would assume the Chief Technical Officer is not usually primarily considered to be a people person and that other leaders would usually be the go to person for this kind of friction. It was a question intended as food for thought about the exact dynamic of the situation.