5 ms·

I'm going to throw out a possibly unpopular opinion, because I have a feeling this is exactly what was going on at my old workplace. What is the gender of the

I'm going to throw out a possibly unpopular opinion, because I have a feeling this is exactly what was going on at my old workplace. What is the gender of the 4 employees who have a problem with the senior SDE? At my workplace I was the only female employee and when I ever had complaints against someone for being condescending/etc the response was similar to yours, "But I never had that experience with him. He's a nice guy." Understand that you only see one side of your senior dev. You don't get to see how he interacts with women or other minorities. An example I like to give is that even Senator Obama experienced people being fearful and locking their cars when he went out to the parking lot late at night. That's an experience that white people just don't have, and imagine being the only one to experience that or report that in a group of other people who have never ever been the target of such behavior. "But I never noticed it!" If this does turn out to be the case I'd suggest you have a serious chat about diversity in your company. I ended up leaving tech due to my similar experience in my last company. Saying, "We're pretty diverse for a group of white dudes" isn't enough. Listen to the minorities at your company and their experiences and don't invalidate them or dismiss them because you haven't experienced it. You could learn a lot and save some people from leaving the industry.

scxyz42 9y ago
I understand your pain - I'm a female CTO. Gender of the 4 is mixed and we have a pretty even gender ratio overall.
- DoreenMichele 9y ago
  Let me respectfully suggest that part of the problem may be your gender. Men and women both expect women to do emotional labor on behalf of others, often to an unreasonable degree. If that is a factor, there's no easy solution. But if it is a factor, it may help to be aware of the issue. If you aren't familiar, emotional labor is kind of a hot catch phrase and there are articles and discussions out there. I tend to be good at the emotional labor thing and it has a history of getting me imposed upon to an unreasonable degree. People often expect me to deeply respect them and kiss their boo-boos and make them feel okay about everything. This often occurs while I am being treated very disrespectfully and can't get my needs met. If you are the CTO, why is peacemaking your job? That isn't usually one of the official duties of a CTO, is it? If that is the issue, you will need to learn to alter your behavior so people feel less free to impose in this manner. You will also need to think through just how much you need to be interceding in the relationships of employees. You can work on doing ice breaker exercises and team building exercises etc. But if the real problem is that you are being viewed as the team mom and people want you to fix everything and expect perfection, that may not fully resolve the issue.
  - HeyLaughingBoy 9y ago
    Doreen, I've read your comments here for quite some time and they are generally insightful and I usually agree with you, but this time I think that as the CTO, peacemaking is her job. At least, it would be in such a small environment. It's really less about peacemaking and more about making sure that her team integrates well with the rest of the company. I agree with the poster who said to at least make sure he understands what he's doing that is causing a problem. I've been in his position and had absolutely no idea what people were complaining (behind my back!) about. As a team lead, it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. I sometimes have to point out to my devs that their behavior is being perceived as rude or uncaring to people outside the team. In our little company without an HR dept, it's up to me to figure out how that can be resolved. As my wife likes to say "you can't talk to everyone else like they're all engineers." :-)
    - DoreenMichele 9y ago
      it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. Sure, but you aren't right this minute finding it so impossible to deal with that you need to get advice from internet strangers on how to handle it. And perhaps one factor is gender. People often set different expectations for women than for men. Those expectations can be unreasonable. When my oldest son was a little boy, he came to me every single day, multiple times a day to ask if he could use the bathroom. I was all sweetness and light and reassured him that of course he could. That's what it was there for. This was an aggravating and enormous imposition. Both my kids have special needs. I have health problems. I was chronically short of sleep. No amount of reassuring him that he could use the bathroom any time he wanted ever put a stop to him nagging me for warm fuzzy reassurance. After two years of this, I began replying "No, you cannot use the bathroom. Tie a knot in it. In fact, I plan to have both bathrooms removed." He would look at me with gears turning behind his eyes, then walk off to the bathroom. After a week or two, the questions stopped. He just began using the toilet without first imposing on me for reassurance that it was okay. My son had never done the same thing to his dad or anyone else. He only imposed on me -- endlessly -- for completely unnecessary feel good reassurance about ten times a day every single day until I stopped feeling obligated to provide that for bathroom trips. Women are often expected to be bottomless dispensers of positive emotional experiences to a degree and in a manner that is not typically expected of men. Her peacemaking duties may not be what you are experiencing. And it is worth considering the possibility that employees are imposing excessively upon her.

scxyz42 9y ago

I understand your pain - I'm a female CTO. Gender of the 4 is mixed and we have a pretty even gender ratio overall.

DoreenMichele 9y ago
Let me respectfully suggest that part of the problem may be your gender. Men and women both expect women to do emotional labor on behalf of others, often to an unreasonable degree. If that is a factor, there's no easy solution. But if it is a factor, it may help to be aware of the issue. If you aren't familiar, emotional labor is kind of a hot catch phrase and there are articles and discussions out there. I tend to be good at the emotional labor thing and it has a history of getting me imposed upon to an unreasonable degree. People often expect me to deeply respect them and kiss their boo-boos and make them feel okay about everything. This often occurs while I am being treated very disrespectfully and can't get my needs met. If you are the CTO, why is peacemaking your job? That isn't usually one of the official duties of a CTO, is it? If that is the issue, you will need to learn to alter your behavior so people feel less free to impose in this manner. You will also need to think through just how much you need to be interceding in the relationships of employees. You can work on doing ice breaker exercises and team building exercises etc. But if the real problem is that you are being viewed as the team mom and people want you to fix everything and expect perfection, that may not fully resolve the issue.
- HeyLaughingBoy 9y ago
  Doreen, I've read your comments here for quite some time and they are generally insightful and I usually agree with you, but this time I think that as the CTO, peacemaking is her job. At least, it would be in such a small environment. It's really less about peacemaking and more about making sure that her team integrates well with the rest of the company. I agree with the poster who said to at least make sure he understands what he's doing that is causing a problem. I've been in his position and had absolutely no idea what people were complaining (behind my back!) about. As a team lead, it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. I sometimes have to point out to my devs that their behavior is being perceived as rude or uncaring to people outside the team. In our little company without an HR dept, it's up to me to figure out how that can be resolved. As my wife likes to say "you can't talk to everyone else like they're all engineers." :-)
  - DoreenMichele 9y ago
    it falls on my shoulders to deal with similar personnel issues. Sure, but you aren't right this minute finding it so impossible to deal with that you need to get advice from internet strangers on how to handle it. And perhaps one factor is gender. People often set different expectations for women than for men. Those expectations can be unreasonable. When my oldest son was a little boy, he came to me every single day, multiple times a day to ask if he could use the bathroom. I was all sweetness and light and reassured him that of course he could. That's what it was there for. This was an aggravating and enormous imposition. Both my kids have special needs. I have health problems. I was chronically short of sleep. No amount of reassuring him that he could use the bathroom any time he wanted ever put a stop to him nagging me for warm fuzzy reassurance. After two years of this, I began replying "No, you cannot use the bathroom. Tie a knot in it. In fact, I plan to have both bathrooms removed." He would look at me with gears turning behind his eyes, then walk off to the bathroom. After a week or two, the questions stopped. He just began using the toilet without first imposing on me for reassurance that it was okay. My son had never done the same thing to his dad or anyone else. He only imposed on me -- endlessly -- for completely unnecessary feel good reassurance about ten times a day every single day until I stopped feeling obligated to provide that for bathroom trips. Women are often expected to be bottomless dispensers of positive emotional experiences to a degree and in a manner that is not typically expected of men. Her peacemaking duties may not be what you are experiencing. And it is worth considering the possibility that employees are imposing excessively upon her.