5 ms·

I think what bonds people is shared adversity. Thus, the longer you've known someone the greater the chance that you've come through some tough experiences toge

I think what bonds people is shared adversity. Thus, the longer you've known someone the greater the chance that you've come through some tough experiences together (e.g. school, war) and therefore that you trust one another. Perhaps this is how families work. Errors in how to relate cause suffering which paradoxically creates a closer family bond. There are far more occasions to suffer where people share the same space.

pm90 9y ago
I don't think you have to both share the adversity as much as having empathy, listening and really caring (both in your words and in actions) to have a solid friendship. Being comfortable enough to share these things with someone is a huge deal, and sharing what you're going through with others seems to feel good for some reason.
alexashka 9y ago
I've heard an analogy that there are three types of relating: - Therapy - Yoga - Enlightenment This is a very unusual point of view so let me explain: what you've described is therapy relating. It's when you need consolation, a hug, someone to listen to, etc. Yoga is doing things together to experience something new or get something done. This is activity-based friendship, travel, telling stories, etc. Enlightenment is woo-woo type of relating where you relate to people the same way you relate to everything else in life - without purpose, you just do. These are of course very broad strokes.
- b0rsuk 9y ago
  I would love to learn where I can read more about this point of view.
  - alexashka 9y ago
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=647FIQMR6jg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=647FIQMR6jg This is where I heard it. I'd make the suggestion to open your mind very wide however, it is very easy to dismiss what he says because of the way he says it.
0x4f3759df 9y ago
The easiest way to get shared adversity is exercise based: crossfit, softball team, something like that. There must be other ways though.
- hkmurakami 9y ago
  First year college physics problem sets are a good one :p
ll931110 9y ago
This could work, but with caveat. The tricky part is transition from close friends to partners, because while being close friends is the requisite for their love to blossom, there are a lot of unspoken assumptions that each party asks from the other that only romantic partners do. Also, when they know each other for years, they make assumptions about the other and have certain understanding of each other, hence departures from these assumptions could lead to devastating effect.
- b0rsuk 9y ago
  The millions of men who have been "friend zoned" will probably beg to differ. Groups like "the red pill" insist that the road to love doesn't go through friendship, and that when it comes to opposite sex friendship is actually a dead end.
  - ll931110 9y ago
    Sorry I was unclear. I am talking about dynamics of people whom became romantic couples after a long period of friendship, not relationship advice in general.
  - acdha 9y ago
    The “friend zone” is just an excuse some men come up with for not wanting to admit that attraction wasn’t mutual. It’s really creepy to think that they deserve sex for stringing someone along with the false pretense of being a friend — would they ever use “dead end” to describe a same sex friendship which didn’t lead to sex?
    - b0rsuk 9y ago
      And I think it's mildly insulting to be classified as a subpar male, a "male female friend". Worse, because she's not going to trust me as much as her proper female friends, she would always be on guard. Certainly damaging to the male ego. I don't cultivate such relationships unless I don't feel attracted to the woman in question. Think of the "disabled" "friend" of Mary from "There's Something About Mary".
lsc 9y ago
>I think what bonds people is shared adversity. I disagree. Now this is all just experience, and could be totally different for someone who is not me, but the most brutal part of my life was high school. I think this might be true of most people in my income tax bracket? I know a few people from that time period, some of who really stood by me and were the closest to 'brothers in arms' that I will (hopefully) ever know. but... I'm not really close with any of those people anymore. When we gained our ability to choose our peers, we all went our own ways, finding niches where we all felt best. Part of this is that when things are at their worst? you are not at your best. Or, at least I wasn't at my best in high school. I was a real jerk, and I think you'd have to have christ-like instincts to go through experiences that hostile without being a jerk. Or, in any case, I wasn't good enough to remain "good" through the experience (though I do think I'm much less of a jerk now, in part because I have a life where people generally treat me well, and where treating others well is generally rewarded better than treating others poorly, and in part because it's been 20 years, and I've grown and matured and reflected.)

pm90 9y ago

I don't think you have to both share the adversity as much as having empathy, listening and really caring (both in your words and in actions) to have a solid friendship. Being comfortable enough to share these things with someone is a huge deal, and sharing what you're going through with others seems to feel good for some reason.

alexashka 9y ago

I've heard an analogy that there are three types of relating: - Therapy - Yoga - Enlightenment This is a very unusual point of view so let me explain: what you've described is therapy relating. It's when you need consolation, a hug, someone to listen to, etc. Yoga is doing things together to experience something new or get something done. This is activity-based friendship, travel, telling stories, etc. Enlightenment is woo-woo type of relating where you relate to people the same way you relate to everything else in life - without purpose, you just do. These are of course very broad strokes.

b0rsuk 9y ago
I would love to learn where I can read more about this point of view.
- alexashka 9y ago
  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=647FIQMR6jg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=647FIQMR6jg This is where I heard it. I'd make the suggestion to open your mind very wide however, it is very easy to dismiss what he says because of the way he says it.

0x4f3759df 9y ago

The easiest way to get shared adversity is exercise based: crossfit, softball team, something like that. There must be other ways though.

hkmurakami 9y ago
First year college physics problem sets are a good one :p

ll931110 9y ago

This could work, but with caveat. The tricky part is transition from close friends to partners, because while being close friends is the requisite for their love to blossom, there are a lot of unspoken assumptions that each party asks from the other that only romantic partners do. Also, when they know each other for years, they make assumptions about the other and have certain understanding of each other, hence departures from these assumptions could lead to devastating effect.

b0rsuk 9y ago
The millions of men who have been "friend zoned" will probably beg to differ. Groups like "the red pill" insist that the road to love doesn't go through friendship, and that when it comes to opposite sex friendship is actually a dead end.
- ll931110 9y ago
  Sorry I was unclear. I am talking about dynamics of people whom became romantic couples after a long period of friendship, not relationship advice in general.
- acdha 9y ago
  The “friend zone” is just an excuse some men come up with for not wanting to admit that attraction wasn’t mutual. It’s really creepy to think that they deserve sex for stringing someone along with the false pretense of being a friend — would they ever use “dead end” to describe a same sex friendship which didn’t lead to sex?
  - b0rsuk 9y ago
    And I think it's mildly insulting to be classified as a subpar male, a "male female friend". Worse, because she's not going to trust me as much as her proper female friends, she would always be on guard. Certainly damaging to the male ego. I don't cultivate such relationships unless I don't feel attracted to the woman in question. Think of the "disabled" "friend" of Mary from "There's Something About Mary".

lsc 9y ago

>I think what bonds people is shared adversity. I disagree. Now this is all just experience, and could be totally different for someone who is not me, but the most brutal part of my life was high school. I think this might be true of most people in my income tax bracket? I know a few people from that time period, some of who really stood by me and were the closest to 'brothers in arms' that I will (hopefully) ever know. but... I'm not really close with any of those people anymore. When we gained our ability to choose our peers, we all went our own ways, finding niches where we all felt best. Part of this is that when things are at their worst? you are not at your best. Or, at least I wasn't at my best in high school. I was a real jerk, and I think you'd have to have christ-like instincts to go through experiences that hostile without being a jerk. Or, in any case, I wasn't good enough to remain "good" through the experience (though I do think I'm much less of a jerk now, in part because I have a life where people generally treat me well, and where treating others well is generally rewarded better than treating others poorly, and in part because it's been 20 years, and I've grown and matured and reflected.)