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> I really don't think what people think Facebook does to their relationships actually maps at all to the actual impact of Facebook on their relationships. ...

> I really don't think what people think Facebook does to their relationships actually maps at all to the actual impact of Facebook on their relationships. ... I'm 22 years old ... today I simply keep a list of the two-dozen or so friends I actually want to keep up with. ...I consult the list ... and give them a call. ... just remember that humans interacted for tens of thousands of years without social media, and decades with only phones and letters. You can do the same. I'm 40 and I think you're misrepresenting what things used to be like. It used to be very easy to lose touch with people. People would move, change phone numbers (and not have mobile phones with phone numbers that might remain a constant) and you wouldn't know. Or there'd be acquaintances or even people you'd call friends that you never had their contact details in the first place (it's more of a deal to ask for someone's home number and/or address -- or provide your own -- than to become Facebook friends). You likely kept people's numbers on paper, and if that was misplaced at some point you could easily lose any way to contact people. I've lost touch with so many people I've known over the years. A number of these being people that had been good friends, who I would have liked to keep in contact with, and others who were less close but who I'd still like to have some sort of contact with.

samastur 9y ago
I agree with everything except that I don't see those broken connections as a loss. Instead I see them as a signal of a relationship that ran its course. There are plenty of people I have fond memories of and wouldn't mind staying in touch, where that didn't happen even though it wouldn't require more than occasionally sending a message: "Hi! Just thought of you. How are you doing?" I assume I could track down most of them, but doing so has this strange feeling of a misplaced nostalgia turning into benign voyeurism. But that's just me. Clearly others feel differently and I see no reason why they shouldn't.
lambda_lover 9y ago
This is a really good point, thank you for articulating it so well. Since you're from the generation before my own (close to two generations, I guess), I'm curious for your take on this: do you find Facebook interaction to truly feel authentic (not the right term, but I can' think of a better one)? I find that it is too often a passive exchange: you friend somebody you used to know, you might exchange a few messages if you were very close friends in the past, and then their posts are largely lost in the noise of the Feed. And if they don't post, they might as well not even be your friend. If you really want to get in touch with those people, today you can always search for their LinkedIn or send them an email or just ask a friend who might still be in touch to share their contact information... right? At least then they'll know you truly care, instead of just clicking a button at the behest of a Facebook suggestion algorithm. Personally I feel like friendships ought to be active relationships, so Facebook "friends" usually aren't anything more than acquaintances. But then again, I'm young, unmarried, and living in a major US city, so my perspective might be a little different from somebody who has a spouse, children, and a mortgage in suburban America :) ... or anybody else in the US, for that matter.
- jamesrcole 9y ago
  > I'm curious for your take on this: do you find Facebook interaction to truly feel authentic (not the right term, but I can' think of a better one)? I think a lot of the interactions are very shallow ones (not saying there's anything inherently wrong with all shallow interactions), and I think it lets people "manage their image" to a large extent. But I do think that even fairly shallow interactions can still be authentic (in the sense that people aren't trying to lie or mislead). But at the same time, I think similar can be said of a lot of face-to-face interactions as well. > And if they don't post, they might as well not even be your friend. There's a spectrum. E.g. there can be people who don't post much, but occasionally post photo albums, which means you can look at their profile and see their photos and at least get a sense of some of the things they've been up. > If you really want to get in touch with those people, today you can always search for their LinkedIn or send them an email or just ask a friend who might still be in touch to share their contact information... right? These days you can, but the reality is that the more friction involved the less people are going to do it. Ideally they would do it, but that's not reality. You can argue that if you're not going to make the effort then those people weren't really close enough friends. I don't agree with that -- one, there's differing degrees of friendship and 'lesser' friendships can still have value, and second, people are imperfect just don't always do what's in their best interest (like going to the effort of keeping in contact with good friends). > Personally I feel like friendships ought to be active relationships, so Facebook "friends" usually aren't anything more than acquaintances. I've already touched on my view on this, but I don't hold the 'close friendship or nothing' view. I think there can still be value in 'weaker' forms of friendship, right down to being acquaintances. (Obviously though, this is a topic you could get quite deep into... like in how much time is it really worth devoting to different kinds of relationships... and I'm only dealing with the matter in a fairly superficial way, and I know I could be wrong about it).

samastur 9y ago

I agree with everything except that I don't see those broken connections as a loss. Instead I see them as a signal of a relationship that ran its course. There are plenty of people I have fond memories of and wouldn't mind staying in touch, where that didn't happen even though it wouldn't require more than occasionally sending a message: "Hi! Just thought of you. How are you doing?" I assume I could track down most of them, but doing so has this strange feeling of a misplaced nostalgia turning into benign voyeurism. But that's just me. Clearly others feel differently and I see no reason why they shouldn't.

lambda_lover 9y ago

This is a really good point, thank you for articulating it so well. Since you're from the generation before my own (close to two generations, I guess), I'm curious for your take on this: do you find Facebook interaction to truly feel authentic (not the right term, but I can' think of a better one)? I find that it is too often a passive exchange: you friend somebody you used to know, you might exchange a few messages if you were very close friends in the past, and then their posts are largely lost in the noise of the Feed. And if they don't post, they might as well not even be your friend. If you really want to get in touch with those people, today you can always search for their LinkedIn or send them an email or just ask a friend who might still be in touch to share their contact information... right? At least then they'll know you truly care, instead of just clicking a button at the behest of a Facebook suggestion algorithm. Personally I feel like friendships ought to be active relationships, so Facebook "friends" usually aren't anything more than acquaintances. But then again, I'm young, unmarried, and living in a major US city, so my perspective might be a little different from somebody who has a spouse, children, and a mortgage in suburban America :) ... or anybody else in the US, for that matter.

jamesrcole 9y ago
> I'm curious for your take on this: do you find Facebook interaction to truly feel authentic (not the right term, but I can' think of a better one)? I think a lot of the interactions are very shallow ones (not saying there's anything inherently wrong with all shallow interactions), and I think it lets people "manage their image" to a large extent. But I do think that even fairly shallow interactions can still be authentic (in the sense that people aren't trying to lie or mislead). But at the same time, I think similar can be said of a lot of face-to-face interactions as well. > And if they don't post, they might as well not even be your friend. There's a spectrum. E.g. there can be people who don't post much, but occasionally post photo albums, which means you can look at their profile and see their photos and at least get a sense of some of the things they've been up. > If you really want to get in touch with those people, today you can always search for their LinkedIn or send them an email or just ask a friend who might still be in touch to share their contact information... right? These days you can, but the reality is that the more friction involved the less people are going to do it. Ideally they would do it, but that's not reality. You can argue that if you're not going to make the effort then those people weren't really close enough friends. I don't agree with that -- one, there's differing degrees of friendship and 'lesser' friendships can still have value, and second, people are imperfect just don't always do what's in their best interest (like going to the effort of keeping in contact with good friends). > Personally I feel like friendships ought to be active relationships, so Facebook "friends" usually aren't anything more than acquaintances. I've already touched on my view on this, but I don't hold the 'close friendship or nothing' view. I think there can still be value in 'weaker' forms of friendship, right down to being acquaintances. (Obviously though, this is a topic you could get quite deep into... like in how much time is it really worth devoting to different kinds of relationships... and I'm only dealing with the matter in a fairly superficial way, and I know I could be wrong about it).