3 ms·

> Sixty-seven percent of Americans say online communication strengthens their relationships — compared with just 18 percent who say it makes those relationships

> Sixty-seven percent of Americans say online communication strengthens their relationships — compared with just 18 percent who say it makes those relationships weaker. If you aren’t on Facebook, you’re missing out on important parts of your friends’ lives — maybe even missing your friends entirely, if they live far from you. I really don't think what people think Facebook does to their relationships actually maps at all to the actual impact of Facebook on their relationships. I'm 22 years old. I graduated from college last year. I think in 2008-2012, Facebook helped me keep in touch with friends because all of my friends posted to it regularly, sharing life events and photographs. My News Feed (back when it was chronological by default) helped me keep up to date with the biggest things in all of my friends' lives. It was nice. Notifications told me when somebody interacted my content, and I could take the time to read every comment someone made on one of my photos or posts. There were a few ads in a sidebar, which I could mostly ignore. Today (well, two months ago, when I deleted my Facebook account), none of this is true, and Facebook is completely useless because of it. My News Feed regularly hides major posts from me, and throws "suggested content" and ads in my face before I can see anything I care about. My friends never post any more, and when they do, I don't see it because it's a) hidden in the News Feed of garbage and b) might not even be in the News Feed of garbage because Facebook's algorithm doesn't think it's "relevant". Notifications are complete spam, telling me that "X posted something!" and never letting me know when people post on my own photos and posts. Because it's hard to tell when people engage, there's no point in engaging -- nobody will read your comments! I studied abroad Fall semester of my senior year, and when I got home I posted a huge photo album of exciting places I visited. For 6 months, I assumed nobody commented or liked anything because I didn't get any notifications. I checked back on it when I first started thinking about deleting my Facebook, and realized there were dozens of likes and a handful of comments per picture. None of which I knew about. All of these people tried to reach out to me via a comment, asking about my trip, and it looked like I ignored all of them callously because Facebook never told me anything. Facebook was once a useful tool for social interaction, but today I simply keep a list of the two-dozen or so friends I actually want to keep up with. Whenever I have a lazy afternoon or some free time, I consult the list, think about who I've lost touch with, and give them a call. I find that this is a much more rewarding way to interact with the people I love and care about. If you're feeling trapped by Facebook's social graph, just remember that humans interacted for tens of thousands of years without social media, and decades with only phones and letters. You can do the same. Don't feed Facebook's ad engine at the expense of your own social circle. You can do a lot better.

jamesrcole 9y ago
> I really don't think what people think Facebook does to their relationships actually maps at all to the actual impact of Facebook on their relationships. ... I'm 22 years old ... today I simply keep a list of the two-dozen or so friends I actually want to keep up with. ...I consult the list ... and give them a call. ... just remember that humans interacted for tens of thousands of years without social media, and decades with only phones and letters. You can do the same. I'm 40 and I think you're misrepresenting what things used to be like. It used to be very easy to lose touch with people. People would move, change phone numbers (and not have mobile phones with phone numbers that might remain a constant) and you wouldn't know. Or there'd be acquaintances or even people you'd call friends that you never had their contact details in the first place (it's more of a deal to ask for someone's home number and/or address -- or provide your own -- than to become Facebook friends). You likely kept people's numbers on paper, and if that was misplaced at some point you could easily lose any way to contact people. I've lost touch with so many people I've known over the years. A number of these being people that had been good friends, who I would have liked to keep in contact with, and others who were less close but who I'd still like to have some sort of contact with.
- samastur 9y ago
  I agree with everything except that I don't see those broken connections as a loss. Instead I see them as a signal of a relationship that ran its course. There are plenty of people I have fond memories of and wouldn't mind staying in touch, where that didn't happen even though it wouldn't require more than occasionally sending a message: "Hi! Just thought of you. How are you doing?" I assume I could track down most of them, but doing so has this strange feeling of a misplaced nostalgia turning into benign voyeurism. But that's just me. Clearly others feel differently and I see no reason why they shouldn't.
- lambda_lover 9y ago
  This is a really good point, thank you for articulating it so well. Since you're from the generation before my own (close to two generations, I guess), I'm curious for your take on this: do you find Facebook interaction to truly feel authentic (not the right term, but I can' think of a better one)? I find that it is too often a passive exchange: you friend somebody you used to know, you might exchange a few messages if you were very close friends in the past, and then their posts are largely lost in the noise of the Feed. And if they don't post, they might as well not even be your friend. If you really want to get in touch with those people, today you can always search for their LinkedIn or send them an email or just ask a friend who might still be in touch to share their contact information... right? At least then they'll know you truly care, instead of just clicking a button at the behest of a Facebook suggestion algorithm. Personally I feel like friendships ought to be active relationships, so Facebook "friends" usually aren't anything more than acquaintances. But then again, I'm young, unmarried, and living in a major US city, so my perspective might be a little different from somebody who has a spouse, children, and a mortgage in suburban America :) ... or anybody else in the US, for that matter.

jamesrcole 9y ago

> I really don't think what people think Facebook does to their relationships actually maps at all to the actual impact of Facebook on their relationships. ... I'm 22 years old ... today I simply keep a list of the two-dozen or so friends I actually want to keep up with. ...I consult the list ... and give them a call. ... just remember that humans interacted for tens of thousands of years without social media, and decades with only phones and letters. You can do the same. I'm 40 and I think you're misrepresenting what things used to be like. It used to be very easy to lose touch with people. People would move, change phone numbers (and not have mobile phones with phone numbers that might remain a constant) and you wouldn't know. Or there'd be acquaintances or even people you'd call friends that you never had their contact details in the first place (it's more of a deal to ask for someone's home number and/or address -- or provide your own -- than to become Facebook friends). You likely kept people's numbers on paper, and if that was misplaced at some point you could easily lose any way to contact people. I've lost touch with so many people I've known over the years. A number of these being people that had been good friends, who I would have liked to keep in contact with, and others who were less close but who I'd still like to have some sort of contact with.

samastur 9y ago
I agree with everything except that I don't see those broken connections as a loss. Instead I see them as a signal of a relationship that ran its course. There are plenty of people I have fond memories of and wouldn't mind staying in touch, where that didn't happen even though it wouldn't require more than occasionally sending a message: "Hi! Just thought of you. How are you doing?" I assume I could track down most of them, but doing so has this strange feeling of a misplaced nostalgia turning into benign voyeurism. But that's just me. Clearly others feel differently and I see no reason why they shouldn't.
lambda_lover 9y ago
This is a really good point, thank you for articulating it so well. Since you're from the generation before my own (close to two generations, I guess), I'm curious for your take on this: do you find Facebook interaction to truly feel authentic (not the right term, but I can' think of a better one)? I find that it is too often a passive exchange: you friend somebody you used to know, you might exchange a few messages if you were very close friends in the past, and then their posts are largely lost in the noise of the Feed. And if they don't post, they might as well not even be your friend. If you really want to get in touch with those people, today you can always search for their LinkedIn or send them an email or just ask a friend who might still be in touch to share their contact information... right? At least then they'll know you truly care, instead of just clicking a button at the behest of a Facebook suggestion algorithm. Personally I feel like friendships ought to be active relationships, so Facebook "friends" usually aren't anything more than acquaintances. But then again, I'm young, unmarried, and living in a major US city, so my perspective might be a little different from somebody who has a spouse, children, and a mortgage in suburban America :) ... or anybody else in the US, for that matter.