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The best part about being comfortable as a "loner" is that your daily state of existence moves from one of need to one of curation and choice. Being alone is wh

The best part about being comfortable as a "loner" is that your daily state of existence moves from one of need to one of curation and choice. Being alone is where I thrive, so any break from that requires a better return. My social moments have meaning to them now, because I choose to allow them to happen. It's very difficult for toxic people to get in my space because I don't live with the need for company, regardless of whether that company provides actual value to my day.

yousir 9y ago
Your ideas are intriguing to me and I need someone/something to reinforce the feeling I got from reading them.
alexashka 9y ago
This. What you're describing is freedom from needing to have people around. I've found that as I spend far less time with people, I am much more attentive, patient and kind when I do spend time with them, especially when it's with people I choose to be around. I get time to reflect on things too, because there's enough space in-between to go 'oh, I was starting to get agitated when this happened, that's interesting'. With strangers, it's a different vibe too, because it's fun to see what they'll do. I don't have a perpetual self-defense shield up, because I'm not emotionally destabilized from over-stimulation - from interactions I'm forced to be in. So yeah, it's great to be able to choose :)
Will_Parker 9y ago
Serious question, how do you deal with being invited to parties when you don't have the mental stamina and emotional resources for it at the time?
- ianai 9y ago
  “Guys I feel like sh!t, maybe next time.”
- DisruptiveDave 9y ago
  I'm a bit of an edge case, I'd presume, because I'm very very social when I want to be. Maybe that's not weird, after all. But at the end of the day, I either a) don't go because I don't want to (adult choices!!!) or b) just try to reframe my mental state. Check out a podcast called Good Fortune, episode 1, A Festival. It very briefly addresses this challenge from a stoic's point of view. Worth a listen.
  - horsecaptin 9y ago
    I wanted to add to this because I feel that I'm a beginner at being a stoic and putting value on being alone: - I make choices and I learn from mistakes. I'm trying to be better about not having regrets as in repeatedly reflecting emotionally to mistakes and misfortune in my past. - I try to do things that are important to me when I have the time for them. I'm choosier with what movies I watch, games I play, and the things I do. This beats going to parties sometimes. - I'm honest about why I can't go to a party. I take my feelings out of it - if I am genuinely tired and need rest, then I say that. If I'm sick or have a headache, then that's what I say. If on the other hand I have nothing better to do, and I'm being lazy - I go to the damn party. 9 times out of 10 I end up having more fun than had I not gone.
    - jrs235 9y ago
      Ditto. >If on the other hand I have nothing better to do Ah ha! This requires having something planned or desiring to do something at that time. For me rather than phrasing it as "nothing better to do" it comes down to "I don't have any current plans and while I may feel lazy and unmotivated, there's value in socializing with others". And yes, 9 out of 10 times I'm glad I did!
      - horsecaptin 9y ago
        I like it! :)
  - jrs235 9y ago
    >I'm very very social when I want to be. I'm the same. If I want and choose to be social I can be. I can easily be the center attention and a goof ball having silly fun or just a social participant in a social gathering. As I have gotten older I tend to pass more on being center of attention goof ball (it is fun and it is fun laughing with others) and spending more of my time doing things I currently value as being more important.
- jethro_tell 9y ago
  It's easy for me, because for the most part, I don't really care what people think or if we are friends after I say no, so I just say, 'No, I'm not really up for that today'
- white-flame 9y ago
  All you have to do let them know that you still want them to invite you next time, even if you say no now (or regularly).
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
- ionised 9y ago
  I just say I'm not in the mood. Friends never give me any grief for that.

yousir 9y ago

Your ideas are intriguing to me and I need someone/something to reinforce the feeling I got from reading them.

alexashka 9y ago

This. What you're describing is freedom from needing to have people around. I've found that as I spend far less time with people, I am much more attentive, patient and kind when I do spend time with them, especially when it's with people I choose to be around. I get time to reflect on things too, because there's enough space in-between to go 'oh, I was starting to get agitated when this happened, that's interesting'. With strangers, it's a different vibe too, because it's fun to see what they'll do. I don't have a perpetual self-defense shield up, because I'm not emotionally destabilized from over-stimulation - from interactions I'm forced to be in. So yeah, it's great to be able to choose :)

Will_Parker 9y ago

Serious question, how do you deal with being invited to parties when you don't have the mental stamina and emotional resources for it at the time?

ianai 9y ago
“Guys I feel like sh!t, maybe next time.”
DisruptiveDave 9y ago
I'm a bit of an edge case, I'd presume, because I'm very very social when I want to be. Maybe that's not weird, after all. But at the end of the day, I either a) don't go because I don't want to (adult choices!!!) or b) just try to reframe my mental state. Check out a podcast called Good Fortune, episode 1, A Festival. It very briefly addresses this challenge from a stoic's point of view. Worth a listen.
- horsecaptin 9y ago
  I wanted to add to this because I feel that I'm a beginner at being a stoic and putting value on being alone: - I make choices and I learn from mistakes. I'm trying to be better about not having regrets as in repeatedly reflecting emotionally to mistakes and misfortune in my past. - I try to do things that are important to me when I have the time for them. I'm choosier with what movies I watch, games I play, and the things I do. This beats going to parties sometimes. - I'm honest about why I can't go to a party. I take my feelings out of it - if I am genuinely tired and need rest, then I say that. If I'm sick or have a headache, then that's what I say. If on the other hand I have nothing better to do, and I'm being lazy - I go to the damn party. 9 times out of 10 I end up having more fun than had I not gone.
  - jrs235 9y ago
    Ditto. >If on the other hand I have nothing better to do Ah ha! This requires having something planned or desiring to do something at that time. For me rather than phrasing it as "nothing better to do" it comes down to "I don't have any current plans and while I may feel lazy and unmotivated, there's value in socializing with others". And yes, 9 out of 10 times I'm glad I did!
    - horsecaptin 9y ago
      I like it! :)
- jrs235 9y ago
  >I'm very very social when I want to be. I'm the same. If I want and choose to be social I can be. I can easily be the center attention and a goof ball having silly fun or just a social participant in a social gathering. As I have gotten older I tend to pass more on being center of attention goof ball (it is fun and it is fun laughing with others) and spending more of my time doing things I currently value as being more important.
jethro_tell 9y ago
It's easy for me, because for the most part, I don't really care what people think or if we are friends after I say no, so I just say, 'No, I'm not really up for that today'
white-flame 9y ago
All you have to do let them know that you still want them to invite you next time, even if you say no now (or regularly).
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
ionised 9y ago
I just say I'm not in the mood. Friends never give me any grief for that.