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Notice that most of the comments here are describing post-hoc how having children has been fulfilling/great/worth it. Which isn't really the question - it's not
by corry 9y ago
Notice that most of the comments here are describing post-hoc how having children has been fulfilling/great/worth it. Which isn't really the question - it's not asking if having children was a good move in retrospect.
It's interesting that most people's minds go there. I've had this happen myself after having a son - the original "why" almost doesn't matter or rather gets overshadowed by all the other parts of it (for most people, a deep sense of purpose and fulfillment).
To actually answer the question, my partner and I came to a place where our relationship was great, jobs were great, etc - but we felt a certain "is this it?". Sure, being DINKS is a nice life, lots of travel, easy, etc. But... hmmmmmm... is this it? Amuse ourselves until we die? Stay clean and simple, have fun, work hard... hmmmmmm....
Meanwhile there was a quiet impulse in the background beckoning towards creating something out of our relationship / position. It's hard to describe. Obviously biology is playing a role here. But what a wonderful chaotic creative thing, two different people coming together and making a third person.
So we had a vague sense of all that. And decided to go for it. As many other people have said in this thread, your life changes immediately and irrevocably when kids arrive, but for us it's been pure joy. Lots of chaos too.
My wife remarks that she didn't realize what a big hole was in her life before becoming a mother. That's maybe the best way to describe it. We had a sense that there was a hole in our lives, or something that would grow into a big hole if we didn't have kids.
- obv_not 9y agoas someone in my 30s whose friends are starting to have children, i always suspected this. i call it the groundhog day effect. basically things just start getting repetitive, you start making more money than you know what to do with (other than hoard), and you start answering the biological urge to have children and shake things up.
- gdilla 9y agoDINK life is nice until your social circle is filled with people with kids. You can hang with younger couples, sure, but it wears out fast. The opportunities to hang with people your own age at some regular frequency greatly diminishes (cuz they are tired and have to deal with kids). There is nothing wrong with this - you can splurge on travel and self-development, retire way earlier, or what have you; totally fine and rewarding. It comes down to what you value (I like playing sports and video games with my son more than hanging out with grownups).
- nunez 9y agoGoing through this right now. Finding childless couples in our area (b/w Dallas and Fort Worth, TX) that are our age (early 30s) is TOUGH.
- ixacto 9y agoJust hang out with people that have kids. Better yet bring the people with kids dinner or something, they will like the change of pace especially with young children. I will probably end up doing this myself, as I have significant anxiety and depression which made having kids a no-go.
- gdilla 9y agoyeah, that's fine. I was just saying it's gonna happen way less than you think. Kids have routines, are picky, need attention, and parents can't always tolerate guests often because of that. Every family is different though.
- mnm1 9y agoThe solution is to hang out with more single people who have no kids, regardless of age.
- hycaria 9y agoI've always felt that the people more inclined to have children had no big devouring passion, this kinda confirms it. Which is worrying because I feel my partner is in that category, and I'm not.
- santoshalper 9y agoElon Musk has six children. Bezos has four. Bill Gates and Steve Jobs both have kids (though Jobs was a pretty poor parent by all accounts). Most of the CEOs, executives, and other powerful, driven people I know have children. I think your instincts are off and you are trying to explain to yourself why it is ok (and really, superior) that you don't want kids. In reality, you needn't explain it to anyone, you simply don't want to.
- hycaria 9y agoOh, but they have wives. Maybe they are the ones bored, or feeling the urge. Already numerous posts here where it's her that wanted to. My dad's life was complete without me. I'm here to please my mom.
- pandler 9y agoIn case anyone (like myself two minutes ago) has no idea what DINK life is, it’s Double Income No Kids.
- eventualhorizon 9y agoWhich after having kids can become a SITKOM life. Single Income Two Kids Oppressive Mortgage.