My meditation practice started with Vipassana meditation: https://www.dhamma.org/en/about/vipassana https://www.dhamma.org/en/about/vipassana After dabbling f

My meditation practice started with Vipassana meditation: https://www.dhamma.org/en/about/vipassana https://www.dhamma.org/en/about/vipassana After dabbling for awhile with nothing but a pillow and my psyche, I participated in a 10-day silent meditation program by Dhamma. They do them in many places; they're free -- the food was great, the instruction, and the accommodations were excellent. It was powerful. Daily meditation is a slow, gradual process. A couple years of consistent practice in most case should result in a noticeable change in perspectives. I enjoy Headspace for the routine but philosophically Andy never gets too deep. That can be good a general audience, but for the intellectual, perhaps not. I mentioned Ayahuasca; I know this is not everyones cup of tea and hesitate to recommend it to due to the amount of New Age dogma and legal ambiguity that surrounds it. But in my own personal experience, I had something deep, a knot in my spirit that needed to be unwoven. My Opa (German for Grandfather) was conscripted in WW2, work-camps, forced enlistment, combat, murder, torture, the whole wretched shabang. He escape, to Canada, had a family. He was, as a result of his environments, understandably terrorizing. He suffered. My father suffered. My brother suffered. I suffered. Born into it, like I mentioned. As a busy etch-a-sketch becomes a clean slate for new art, so did my mind, body, and spirit after Ayahuasca. It was only when that knot had been removed that the tools I had learned through meditation could take me, day by day, into a beautiful new narrative where I am content and fulfilled. Perhaps you need something to get that knot out. I truly hope that you find it, and give you all my love and empathy, dear stranger.