I was actually quite low. I didn't want to put it as harshly as I explain it to people close to me, but it took me from a position of "I want to die, and probab

I was actually quite low. I didn't want to put it as harshly as I explain it to people close to me, but it took me from a position of "I want to die, and probably will kill myself semi-soon." to "My shotgun is loaded, 41 steps away from me. In a flash the world could be gone, and my thoughts would vanish and I would be at peace." The prior thought process was accompanied with self-destructive methods. Abandoning friends, work, hobbies, etc. My real emotional escape has always been video games. They keep my thoughts from wandering, and I pour everything in to them. I believe my use of them in that way accompanies my skill at them. (Top 10 PUBG 2 seasons ago, A+ ESEA, Global Elite in CS, top 50 crusader D3 S13, etc.) My accomplishments in video games really help my suicidal tendencies, but they also hamper them. My depression seems to sway between a desire for success, freedom, skill, and a general over-arching hate of the meaningless-ness of existence. On a downswing it can depress me, on an upswing it can inspire me. I don't know enough about the topic from a professional perspective to determine how common that is for people.