4 ms·

> Better to go reading up on the experiences of others, asking about the experiences of others, talking to people who express interest, etc. True. That's what

by hx2a 9y ago

> Better to go reading up on the experiences of others, asking about the experiences of others, talking to people who express interest, etc. True. That's what I'm doing, because a bunch of people here have expressed interest. I am curious why people thought it was interesting.

DoreenMichele 9y ago
Most people won't actually be able to answer that. I spent my twenties and thirties asking men who were hitting on me why they found me attractive. Men who had scads of education, even doctors, lawyers and people with two psych degrees, were shockingly inarticulate. They knew what they liked. They often had no fucking clue why they liked it. I eventually threw my hands up in the air and concluded that men are all certifiably insane. In my 40s during my divorce, I asked different questions, more targeted questions, about what men liked about me. That got me some interesting data, but it was better informed because I was asking better questions under different circumstances (since I was no longer asking "Why on earth are you hitting on a married woman?"). You are expecting people to have a deep and nuanced understanding of themselves that many people lack. You are further expecting them to be able to articulately express it. This is surprisingly unlikely, even if they meet your first very high bar and are generally well read, educated and well spoken individuals. (You are also expecting them to do it in public, which they may have good reason to not want to do.) You are further expecting them to say something specifically meaningful to you that you can fit in your mental framework, never mind that they barely know you. This last is a ridiculous expectation. It is mostly a matter of luck of someone saying something about their lives that hits the sweet spot for you. I have done just a whole lot of this type of inquiry. I do much less of it these days. It simply isn't very effective. It is a broad scatter shot approach at best. It can also have weird social collateral damage. I mean you can do whatever you want to do. You don't need my permission and my comments are in no way intended to reign in your behavior or tell you to stop this or something. I am just telling you this approach tends to go poorly in my experience and my thinking on why that is so. But feel free to prove me wrong. No big.
badpun 9y ago
> I am curious why people thought it was interesting. I'm thinking it's because lots of people dream of doing a radical change in their lives (I've read about a study that said that something like 70-80% of people dream about it), but few actually pull the trigger. So, they want to hear how it went for someone who actually did.

by hx2a 9y ago

DoreenMichele 9y ago

Most people won't actually be able to answer that. I spent my twenties and thirties asking men who were hitting on me why they found me attractive. Men who had scads of education, even doctors, lawyers and people with two psych degrees, were shockingly inarticulate. They knew what they liked. They often had no fucking clue why they liked it. I eventually threw my hands up in the air and concluded that men are all certifiably insane. In my 40s during my divorce, I asked different questions, more targeted questions, about what men liked about me. That got me some interesting data, but it was better informed because I was asking better questions under different circumstances (since I was no longer asking "Why on earth are you hitting on a married woman?"). You are expecting people to have a deep and nuanced understanding of themselves that many people lack. You are further expecting them to be able to articulately express it. This is surprisingly unlikely, even if they meet your first very high bar and are generally well read, educated and well spoken individuals. (You are also expecting them to do it in public, which they may have good reason to not want to do.) You are further expecting them to say something specifically meaningful to you that you can fit in your mental framework, never mind that they barely know you. This last is a ridiculous expectation. It is mostly a matter of luck of someone saying something about their lives that hits the sweet spot for you. I have done just a whole lot of this type of inquiry. I do much less of it these days. It simply isn't very effective. It is a broad scatter shot approach at best. It can also have weird social collateral damage. I mean you can do whatever you want to do. You don't need my permission and my comments are in no way intended to reign in your behavior or tell you to stop this or something. I am just telling you this approach tends to go poorly in my experience and my thinking on why that is so. But feel free to prove me wrong. No big.

badpun 9y ago

> I am curious why people thought it was interesting. I'm thinking it's because lots of people dream of doing a radical change in their lives (I've read about a study that said that something like 70-80% of people dream about it), but few actually pull the trigger. So, they want to hear how it went for someone who actually did.