4 ms·

In college I felt like anything was possible. I felt the failures around be needed to just delay gratification, and work hard, because life is difficult. I lo

In college I felt like anything was possible. I felt the failures around be needed to just delay gratification, and work hard, because life is difficult. I looked at my classmates, and thought they were just not serious, and needed to work harder. After all, going to school is easy. (I still belive the worst day at school is better than any day I spent in construction.). I'm chugging along. I'm thinking about how short life is. I'm thinking about that vague pain in my head. The pain the Neurologist said wasen't psychological, because the pain was coming from cranial nerve locations in my skull. (I forgot to tell him I used to read through Grey's Anatomy for recreation.) I thought I was doing well. Doing great in school. Keeping down a job. I really felt I could do anything. I was lonely though. I broke up with my college girlfriend a few years earlier--why--for no good reason? Just young, and dumb. My vague head pain was my daily friend. I was toying with getting two professional degrees. Why not? School is easy. Just delay gratification. Don't mess up your life with chaos, and all the drama of a relationship. Then a classmate died of a anyurism. I didn't know the kid, but he was the image of health. It wasn't long after I went home for a holiday, and at around 11:30 pm, I had a panic attack. A scary one, but I had minor ones before, so no big deal. I'll just go to sleep, and feel great on the morning. Wake up at 8:30 am, and the minute my bedroom door opens intense anxiety sets in, and stays with me all day. After a few weeks, I see a bunch of doctors. They all say different things. I pick out a Therapist out of the yellow pages. See him for months. Anxiety just off the charts. I finally see the "right" doctor, and he gives me a long half life benzo. It works, but only works for a few hours during the day. Alcohol worked better. It scared me because the last thing I wanted was to be one an alcoholic. Well the intense anxiety went on for a decade. My life definely suffered. I went from the better, capable guys in the room, to someone who could barely walk into the room. I don't have any advice. I wouldn't wish what happened to me on my worst enemy. My doctor did say my case was unusual. I'm still kinda a perfectionist though. My life is close to being homeless, but when I do something; I still do it well. Enjoy your life.

thenewsreader 9y ago
Thank you for the inspiring post. As someone who envied perfectionists, this opened my eyes. Take care of yourself!
purvis 9y ago
Thanks for posting this! I'm always interested in other people's experience with anxiety. I'm slightly jealous yours has an origin story though. I've been anxious for as long as I remember and can't recall any traumatic experiences nor come up with any logical explanations.
- jpernst 9y ago
  It's important to remember that anxiety and panic are neurochemical responses and can have strong physical and genetic components, they don't always need to have a psychological "cause." One thing I'd suggest, if you haven't already, is look into your family history for any for signs of it. In my case, there's a very clear hereditary line of panic disorder and other similar ailments that came down through the generations, eventually landing in me as well. We like to think of our "mind" as something that exists completely separate from the physical reality of the brain, but in the end it's an organ like any other, and any malfunctions within it can affect us in subtle ways. For example, during the run up to a panic attack, I tend to get very irritable and easily frustrated. I've come to recognize it as a sign of what's to come and take steps in advance to try to curb it.
  - purvis 9y ago
    > It's important to remember that anxiety and panic are neurochemical responses and can have strong physical and genetic components, they don't always need to have a psychological "cause." Agreed. Members of my mother's side are especially known to be "worriers". Sporadic levels of anxiety on my father's as well. > I've come to recognize it as a sign of what's to come and take steps in advance to try to curb it. Via therapy, I've discovered my own version of this, mostly around breathing. I tend to hold my breath as I start to go into my head. If I catch myself doing this, I can sometimes reduce most of the physical effects by focusing on breathing again. It's easier said than done.
costcopizza 9y ago
Wow, I’ve a lot of similarities to your story. Just yesterday I was out running errands and wondering where the f*ck did this dull, omnipresent anxiety come from? I didn’t used to have it either. Don’t give up hope though— there’s so many causes for anxiety, low magnesium, inflammation, poor gut flora etc. Try as many things as possible, whether that be a silly self help book or meditation class.

thenewsreader 9y ago

Thank you for the inspiring post. As someone who envied perfectionists, this opened my eyes. Take care of yourself!

purvis 9y ago

Thanks for posting this! I'm always interested in other people's experience with anxiety. I'm slightly jealous yours has an origin story though. I've been anxious for as long as I remember and can't recall any traumatic experiences nor come up with any logical explanations.

jpernst 9y ago
It's important to remember that anxiety and panic are neurochemical responses and can have strong physical and genetic components, they don't always need to have a psychological "cause." One thing I'd suggest, if you haven't already, is look into your family history for any for signs of it. In my case, there's a very clear hereditary line of panic disorder and other similar ailments that came down through the generations, eventually landing in me as well. We like to think of our "mind" as something that exists completely separate from the physical reality of the brain, but in the end it's an organ like any other, and any malfunctions within it can affect us in subtle ways. For example, during the run up to a panic attack, I tend to get very irritable and easily frustrated. I've come to recognize it as a sign of what's to come and take steps in advance to try to curb it.
- purvis 9y ago
  > It's important to remember that anxiety and panic are neurochemical responses and can have strong physical and genetic components, they don't always need to have a psychological "cause." Agreed. Members of my mother's side are especially known to be "worriers". Sporadic levels of anxiety on my father's as well. > I've come to recognize it as a sign of what's to come and take steps in advance to try to curb it. Via therapy, I've discovered my own version of this, mostly around breathing. I tend to hold my breath as I start to go into my head. If I catch myself doing this, I can sometimes reduce most of the physical effects by focusing on breathing again. It's easier said than done.

costcopizza 9y ago

Wow, I’ve a lot of similarities to your story. Just yesterday I was out running errands and wondering where the f*ck did this dull, omnipresent anxiety come from? I didn’t used to have it either. Don’t give up hope though— there’s so many causes for anxiety, low magnesium, inflammation, poor gut flora etc. Try as many things as possible, whether that be a silly self help book or meditation class.