4 ms·

Not sure about psychopaths (I imagine they fit in there somewhere) but as a less extreme version the complainers and confronters and grudge holders of this worl

by zxcmx 9y ago

Not sure about psychopaths (I imagine they fit in there somewhere) but as a less extreme version the complainers and confronters and grudge holders of this world do those of us who are less confrontational some service at times. I tend to think of "social enforcement" as a sort of commons good. It often doesn't benefit the person doing it that much but overall it helps keep everything balanced. Someone cuts in line? I'm the kind of person who would usually let it go because well, maybe they're having a bad day. And is it actually worth getting worked up about? Say it's an older lady and maybe she's rude but is it worse to get in an argument with her? There are some people in this world who will really not let that stuff go. I am glad I'm not one of those people but in many ways I am also glad that those people exist, even if I find myself on their bad side once in a while. I suppose there are some people who would simply call this assertiveness and describe it as an unmitigated positive. But it's really quite exhausting to do on a continuous basis unless you have the personality for it. I think of it as a boundless capacity to "sweat the small stuff" and I am actually glad that some people have it.

colanderman 9y ago
I am one of those people. It comes from my mother being a union leader, my dad being a complainer with a short temper, and being unpopular in school, teaching me to not care what others think of me. It doesn't bother me one bit to stick my neck out at the workplace and (productively) call out BS, or to make some Comcast customer service representative's life hell until they rescind some BS charge on a friend's account. I wouldn't call it "assertiveness" - I don't consider myself very assertive - but more a very low tolerance for BS and "injustice". This means that I've spent most of my adult life learning not to sweat the small stuff (especially since moving to a major city), but rather focus my energy where either it will actually benefit others, or against someone who is actively taking advantage of me in a harmful way. I have to consciously remind myself that to do otherwise - to confront every line-cutter and litter-dropper - will at best drain me of energy for fights that matter, and at worst, invite trouble I'm not able to handle. Relevant to the article, I credit this same ability with having helped me escape two emotionally abusive, back-to-back, relationships (both made possible thanks to my otherwise lack of assertiveness in social areas). I don't think I'd call myself a psychopath, though I share some traits (e.g. low - but not absent - empathy). If my parents hadn't instilled in me a strong sense of morality maybe I would be.
- xor1 9y ago
  >I don't think I'd call myself a psychopath, though I share some traits (e.g. low - but not absent - empathy). If my parents hadn't instilled in me a strong sense of morality maybe I would be. Have you seen Akhtar's SPD profile? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#Akhtar's_profile https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#...
  - colanderman 9y ago
    Thanks, but I suffer no significant impairment from my lower-than normal empathy; I therefore by definition do not suffer from a personality disorder.
- simonswords82 9y ago
  It's interesting to me that your Dad was a complainer with a short temper and you were unpopular in school. That's my upbringing too. I share your low empathy trait, although that's something I'm actively working to improve as I get older. However, unlike you I couldn't classify myself as a social enforcer. My Dad was the guy who would call someone out who cut in the queue, or approach somebody who's hogging all the things that he feels should be shared fairly in a social environment, be that the bowling balls in a bowling alley or whatever. He would ask for things in a restaurant that they weren't capable of providing. One example in recent years was that they forgot to include the tomatoes in his full English breakfast. Rather than accept that the tomatoes would be there in a minute, he asked for a refund on the tomatoes. He wasn't kidding, and made the waitress awkwardly explain it wasn't policy to do that. He'd ask for discounts on EVERYTHING, no holds barred, everything was up for negotiation. He was a salesman after all... My Dad was one of 7 kids in a small house in East London. So he learned the hard way to make people respect his wishes. As such - I endured 100s of toe curling experiences like these between the ages of 6 and 16. Most of them I've managed to block out but as a collective they all still haunt me. I'm super assertive at work, I'm a Managing Director for a twenty person strong software company so that's no issue. However, in a social environment it's unlikely I'll call somebody out on queue cutting and I'll go out of my way to be kind and polite to waiting staff in restaurants. Having endured that in my youth I now find those circumstances completely unbearable.

by zxcmx 9y ago

colanderman 9y ago

I am one of those people. It comes from my mother being a union leader, my dad being a complainer with a short temper, and being unpopular in school, teaching me to not care what others think of me. It doesn't bother me one bit to stick my neck out at the workplace and (productively) call out BS, or to make some Comcast customer service representative's life hell until they rescind some BS charge on a friend's account. I wouldn't call it "assertiveness" - I don't consider myself very assertive - but more a very low tolerance for BS and "injustice". This means that I've spent most of my adult life learning not to sweat the small stuff (especially since moving to a major city), but rather focus my energy where either it will actually benefit others, or against someone who is actively taking advantage of me in a harmful way. I have to consciously remind myself that to do otherwise - to confront every line-cutter and litter-dropper - will at best drain me of energy for fights that matter, and at worst, invite trouble I'm not able to handle. Relevant to the article, I credit this same ability with having helped me escape two emotionally abusive, back-to-back, relationships (both made possible thanks to my otherwise lack of assertiveness in social areas). I don't think I'd call myself a psychopath, though I share some traits (e.g. low - but not absent - empathy). If my parents hadn't instilled in me a strong sense of morality maybe I would be.

xor1 9y ago
>I don't think I'd call myself a psychopath, though I share some traits (e.g. low - but not absent - empathy). If my parents hadn't instilled in me a strong sense of morality maybe I would be. Have you seen Akhtar's SPD profile? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#Akhtar's_profile https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#...
- colanderman 9y ago
  Thanks, but I suffer no significant impairment from my lower-than normal empathy; I therefore by definition do not suffer from a personality disorder.
simonswords82 9y ago
It's interesting to me that your Dad was a complainer with a short temper and you were unpopular in school. That's my upbringing too. I share your low empathy trait, although that's something I'm actively working to improve as I get older. However, unlike you I couldn't classify myself as a social enforcer. My Dad was the guy who would call someone out who cut in the queue, or approach somebody who's hogging all the things that he feels should be shared fairly in a social environment, be that the bowling balls in a bowling alley or whatever. He would ask for things in a restaurant that they weren't capable of providing. One example in recent years was that they forgot to include the tomatoes in his full English breakfast. Rather than accept that the tomatoes would be there in a minute, he asked for a refund on the tomatoes. He wasn't kidding, and made the waitress awkwardly explain it wasn't policy to do that. He'd ask for discounts on EVERYTHING, no holds barred, everything was up for negotiation. He was a salesman after all... My Dad was one of 7 kids in a small house in East London. So he learned the hard way to make people respect his wishes. As such - I endured 100s of toe curling experiences like these between the ages of 6 and 16. Most of them I've managed to block out but as a collective they all still haunt me. I'm super assertive at work, I'm a Managing Director for a twenty person strong software company so that's no issue. However, in a social environment it's unlikely I'll call somebody out on queue cutting and I'll go out of my way to be kind and polite to waiting staff in restaurants. Having endured that in my youth I now find those circumstances completely unbearable.