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As another commenter posted, I wished someone had told me this when I was younger. I never had a lot of friends in high school. I was a nerd when and where bei

As another commenter posted, I wished someone had told me this when I was younger. I never had a lot of friends in high school. I was a nerd when and where being a nerd was bad. I never really got the dynamic that mirrororing helps a lot with this and that I contributed to this by unwittingly coming across as aloof. What friends I had weren't... great. Frankly, after high school I never saw them again and honestly don't feel like I was missing much. What compounds this is I have severe myopia. Always have, always will. It's not the kind of thing that surgery can fix. This meant, say, playing team sports just wasn't possible. It's also a limiting factor in so many things. Not being able to drive a massive handicap. It impacts the ability to even watch sports so that's not something I ever developed an interest in. I also have anxiety issues. Not major. Not "I can't leave the house" type issues but... issues. In high school I never had to try so it wasn't an issue. In college I did, although I didn't realize it at the time. But it kept me from going to classes in part because I just didn't want to have to deal with not being able to see/read the board from that distance. So I was pretty much a no-show and ended up dropping out. This also meant that I just didn't make a circle of friends in college like so many seem to. There's been some interesting research done on people who appear trustworthy. This is a hard thing to measure but it seems to hold almost universally true. I think the study was about people who appear "untrustworthy" were more likely to be given the death sentence out of a pool of people who were all later exonerated with DNA evidence. I feel like I'm one of those people that people just react negatively to. Even if they don't I don't think it matters because I pretty much believe it to be true. Combine that with some low-grade anxiety and you get a bad mix of trust issues and keeping one's distance from people. I only ever really had one serious relationship and it didn't work out in a fairly gut-wrenching way that's stayed with me for years, in part from the self-flagellation for the choices I made that contributed to that ending. So here I am, years later in my 40s. I have acquaintances but not much in the way of true friends. Honestly I can't even remember the last time I had a deep conversation with somebody. I'm reminded of Kevin Spacey's character in American Beauty when asked "how are you?" and he replied that it'd been a long time since anyone had asked. That's how I feel. How people form relationships mystifies me so unlike some whose friends fall away but they still have their families, I don't even have that. So here I am still wondering, how do people make friends?

scandox 9y ago
How do people make friends? Axiom: People want to have fun, relax, feel safe and be valued. 1. Availability Many people have what they want in terms of love and friendships. Do not focus on befriending them, it will likely peter out, with the best will in the world. Do not aim to befriend some big extrovert: if they want your friendship they will walk up to you and befriend you. You need to find situations where people are likely to be looking to form friendships. That means putting yourself out there and does take courage: meetups, clubs (chess? books? guns!), volunteering, activism, hiking, community activities etc... 2. Humility Open yourself up to friendship with any kind of person. Remove barriers: age, sex, race, religion, culture, politics, height, weight...whatever it is, leave it behind. Stop being judgemental: you find someone boring? Give them a chance. How exciting are you at first glance? It may be nerves. Most people have significant depths. Every human being is an amazing animal, full of potential. Accept that fact and you will be much more open to every opportunity. Re-evaluate your acquaintances based on that too. 3. Engagement Imagine you're someone else meeting yourself. How can you give them one of those axiomatic things they're seeking? The easiest thing to start with is make people feel valued. This is as simple as listening to what they say and paying attention to what they do. This means turning your attention away from what is happening in your own head. After a time, observe and mention positive things about the other person. Nobody will reject a compliment [1]. Patience is essential. Unless you're going to meet someone several times, then forget it. You are very unlikely to befriend someone you will only see once. That is why context matters. Accept that many encounters won't turn into friendship: interact with multiple people over time. Never reject a positive move towards you: an invitation, being included in a group, someone sitting next to you. Accept all of these positively. Make people feel safe: don't be pushy, clingy or discuss controversial or intimate topics (that's for when you're friends). People want to relax: you're an intense person (it appears to me)...but people don't know what's in your mind. Don't start sharing troubles or telling people what you think of yourself. Keep it vanilla and/or abstract - i.e. talk about topics or other people. They can learn about your intense nature later like when they care. 4. Grace I'm borrowing a religious term to describe moments in life when you have an opportunity to help people or change the understanding between yourself and another person. These are the moments that turn acquaintances into friends. These are not usually heroic in scale! Watch out for small opportunities to do something positive unasked for. Notice if an acquaintance suddenly reveals something about themselves - your reaction may change the nature of that relationship into a friendship. You may have heard this kind of thing before. You may think it all sounds superficial and like hard bloody work. Humble yourself to it, if you really want friendship. [1] Don't compliment people on their body, clothes or appearance until you know them well.

scandox 9y ago

How do people make friends? Axiom: People want to have fun, relax, feel safe and be valued. 1. Availability Many people have what they want in terms of love and friendships. Do not focus on befriending them, it will likely peter out, with the best will in the world. Do not aim to befriend some big extrovert: if they want your friendship they will walk up to you and befriend you. You need to find situations where people are likely to be looking to form friendships. That means putting yourself out there and does take courage: meetups, clubs (chess? books? guns!), volunteering, activism, hiking, community activities etc... 2. Humility Open yourself up to friendship with any kind of person. Remove barriers: age, sex, race, religion, culture, politics, height, weight...whatever it is, leave it behind. Stop being judgemental: you find someone boring? Give them a chance. How exciting are you at first glance? It may be nerves. Most people have significant depths. Every human being is an amazing animal, full of potential. Accept that fact and you will be much more open to every opportunity. Re-evaluate your acquaintances based on that too. 3. Engagement Imagine you're someone else meeting yourself. How can you give them one of those axiomatic things they're seeking? The easiest thing to start with is make people feel valued. This is as simple as listening to what they say and paying attention to what they do. This means turning your attention away from what is happening in your own head. After a time, observe and mention positive things about the other person. Nobody will reject a compliment [1]. Patience is essential. Unless you're going to meet someone several times, then forget it. You are very unlikely to befriend someone you will only see once. That is why context matters. Accept that many encounters won't turn into friendship: interact with multiple people over time. Never reject a positive move towards you: an invitation, being included in a group, someone sitting next to you. Accept all of these positively. Make people feel safe: don't be pushy, clingy or discuss controversial or intimate topics (that's for when you're friends). People want to relax: you're an intense person (it appears to me)...but people don't know what's in your mind. Don't start sharing troubles or telling people what you think of yourself. Keep it vanilla and/or abstract - i.e. talk about topics or other people. They can learn about your intense nature later like when they care. 4. Grace I'm borrowing a religious term to describe moments in life when you have an opportunity to help people or change the understanding between yourself and another person. These are the moments that turn acquaintances into friends. These are not usually heroic in scale! Watch out for small opportunities to do something positive unasked for. Notice if an acquaintance suddenly reveals something about themselves - your reaction may change the nature of that relationship into a friendship. You may have heard this kind of thing before. You may think it all sounds superficial and like hard bloody work. Humble yourself to it, if you really want friendship. [1] Don't compliment people on their body, clothes or appearance until you know them well.