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I actually find this very unsettling as I was about to post a last ditch "advice or help" post with lots of potentially identifiable details required to relate

I actually find this very unsettling as I was about to post a last ditch "advice or help" post with lots of potentially identifiable details required to relate the story (and would have had to ID myself to anyone helping anyway) and don't feel safe doing so now, because the police being called to my home would result in more problems for me and potentially total loss of agency. Even if I could avoid being taken in against my will and saddled with huge medical bills I would likely lose the last place I have to stay as it is on shaky ground as it is and the cops showing up here would be just the excuse they need to send me off. Nothing in your linked post said you were in immediate danger, you just sounded mildly depressed, and lots of people have ongoing suicidal thoughts for very valid reasons like my long term health issues that some intervention like the above won't help at all. Getting me mired in debt and being buried even more in life, and locked in a mental hospital, won't help me. I am glad things worked in your case and it was as simple as having a wake up call, but lots of us can't afford for someone to involve the authorities, who in my country at least are not remotely allies in these situations. Glad now I was smart enough not to post/email from an identifiable connection thus far, and use a pseudonym with the one person I have spoken to from the forum, but knowing this place people are smart enough to still ID me despite those precautions. I spent last evening writing and editing the draft...trying to anticipate all the ways people would respond with the things that have never worked and trying to paint an accurate picture of my situation and needs. I was going to post it today hoping THIS time something might work out. But your post has just reminded me that it's far more likely someone is going to negatively enter my life than help...as has been the case over and over. If people want to help (with the exception of POSSIBLY someone saying "I am doing it now goodbye") they should talk to US directly not call the cops and create potentially huge problems. I find the lengths he went to to ID you so incredibly uncomfortable.

TAAndreas 9y ago
I'm sorry both to hear you're facing this kind of problems and that you now seem to have lost a way to deal with it. I reached out to the police for tevlon b/c a) I'm in the same country b) I felt I could properly assess the implications my action had c) I felt those are mainly positive (I actually did have the concerns you raised in mind, but felt I carefully weighed the pros and cons) d) If at all possible being forced to take a medical treatment is extremely unlikely here (and the vast majority of medical treatments is covered by your obligatory medical insurance here) e) Together with the other information I gathered the situation seemed way more serious than it would have seemed with the post's information only But also f) I generally do consider suicidal thoughts sth serious and not at all "normal" in the sense of being sth you don't have to take care of (which does not mean that going through what you paint to be the implications of a police call in your country seems like a proper way to take care of it for me). I'm not telling you all this to justify, but a) to show you that I really did take my action and its implications serious and b) this was a decision tailored to this very specific situation. I don't know what exactly you were about to post and I can of course only speak for myself but solely the fact that you're in another country already "breaks" the chain of arguments presented above that justified calling the police for me, so even without you telling me the implications you see a police call would have, it would be extremely unlikely for me to actually call the police on you. More particularly that a) now you clearly voiced your concerns and disapproved of the police being called on you and b) you consider your situation not constituting immediate danger I can't imagine anyone still doing so. Still: I can only talk for myself and as soon as you post sth publicly, you of course never know who will read it and how they will react. Long story short: I really am sorry both for your situation and for me making you hesitate in taking a step that might help you in your situation. I don't want to convince you anything but I actually don't consider the risk of you unwantedly finding yourself in the situation you described when you explicitly state not wanting it. Therefore, if you feel that this would help you, you might reconsider your decision. To be fair: You seem not to be the only one, opposed of what I did considering the downvotes I got.
- hestipod 9y ago
  Sorry if I made you feel bad. I just feel very uncomfortable with the massive invasion of privacy and submission of all the OP's details to the police (which is a record that can hurt him later) and I don't know how to personally reconcile that with his being ok with the outcome. I fully admit I view this through my own clouded lens. I can understand how someone outside would think it's the "right" thing to do but I have seen it cause harm many times as well and selfishly perhaps fear it doing so in my case as well. Some people intervene out of pure goodwill, some do so to feel special or good and it's entirely about them, some do to cause strife. Sometimes the result is positive, although I would argue in the OP's case if a "scare" is all it took his situation wasn't that dire. Again perhaps that's too myopic and self centered since mine and many others I see are in dire states, and I am judging or jealous or someone who could "fix" things. I am truly glad for him and anyone else who can survive. I just can't help but twitch at the worry of sinking more. I wouldn't want someone to NOT help if they felt they could, but too often that help is running right to "authority" which is not as helpful as imagined and so often makes things worse. I wish people would take more time to be human and approach the human rather than say "I called 911/112 whatever and did my part". I have shared intimate details with people only to be betrayed so often I fear this at every turn. I don't know what to do or think about it anymore. Regarding suicidal thoughts, they ARE normal for many people and perfectly rational given their conditions and length of suffering. It's not an attitude problem or something therapy or pills can fix. Sometimes those things can help COPE temporarily but it's not a fix of the root cause. I know it's hard to understand that if you have never been there and there was a time I would swear I could NEVER think that was valid but experiences changes you. In my view nobody wants to die, even when they claim so, they just want the pain to end and can't find a way here in life...sometimes because there simply IS no way...others because they can't get the real and tangible help they need.
  - tevlon 9y ago
    I agree. It is very unsettling to hear that a stranger "stalked the st out of you" and i would prefer direct help. > Regarding suicidal thoughts, they ARE normal for many people and perfectly rational given their conditions and length of suffering. It's not an attitude problem or something therapy or pills can fix. Sometimes those things can help COPE temporarily but it's not a fix of the root cause. I know it's hard to understand that if you have never been there and there was a time I would swear I could NEVER think that was valid but experiences changes you. In my view nobody wants to die, even when they claim so, they just want the pain to end and can't find a way here in life...sometimes because there simply IS no way...others because they can't get the real and tangible help they need. i agree alot. I had a hard time in my 20's. My parents live in another country. I was living in this "new" city on my own with problems i couldn't handle. I was always on the brink of being homeless. I didn't want to take counseling mainly because they wouldn't fix the root of my problems: No income, but a lot of debts. What if i took 3 Months of therapy? I would still have my debts. It is important to find the root cause and tackle it directly. Don't get me wrong: Therapy can help alot. But the therapist is not going to get a job for you. I had to do it on my own. It was even hard to get out of bed for me. But i did. Because of the wake up call. We live in a society where 90% of the people have to work for their status. If you don't work, you don't have money. I don't like the idea of "making a living". Living should be a human right. But the reality is: it isn't. You have to work in order to have a place to sleep or get food. Living on Food stamps only keeps you alive. You are not part of society. In hindsight, i did miserable comparing to all my friends (most of them PhD students). But i am a huge success comparing to the vast majority of people who are living in 3rd world countries. Back then i had forgotten how lucky i am to be born in a rich country. Today i still live a simple life, cause i use every extra penny to pay my debts, but i am grateful for what i have! And one day, i can have a vacation. Something i didn't have in 8years.
icantdrive55 9y ago
It suprised me too. It sounds like he really benefited from the police tracking down his IP. He did say he was suicidal? The cultural differences on this site do suprise me somedays. There are times when I hear something, and think they couldn't be talking about living in the USA. It usually something like social services/police really helping people. I don't think this would ever happen in the USA. Why--because authorities don't care, or most people realize any knock on the door by police might make life more difficult for the seemingly distraught person. This attidute towards authorities must change, and we--the citizens, are not the ones whom need to be retrained, and refocused. It the poeople in authority. They should be required to help, instead of being Revenue Collectors, and ruining people's lives over being over zealous ego maniacs. Maybe German police aren't the paramilitary monsters we call our protectors? Sorry folks--I've been harassed by cops my entire life. They have pulled me over for no reason, and I have paid rediculious fees/fines. I have seen them abuse their power in so many instances, I just don't see the good. They make most situations much worse. (Yes--I used some harsh language. And yes, I know the cop you know is different. I don't want to debate.) I glad the call for help turned out well for him though. I will not share as much as I do though. Tracking down my IP, by someone who cares, was the last thing on my mind. It reminded me to hide my IP again.
dang 9y ago
You could make a throwaway account. It's legit to do that when there's sensitive information in a post, and many people have reached out to the community that way when in a hard spot. tevlon didn't do it that way, which is fine too of course, but you could.
- hestipod 9y ago
  I appreciate the input dang (your username always makes me chuckle in a good way), but I have said enough already on HN it would be trivial to connect the dots. I need to think about how to proceed. I probably shouldn't have said anything and in the end the OP is better off so that's a win, things seem to poke me a little harder than they probably should anymore and I know my perspective is not some universal truth.
  - dang 9y ago
    Ok. If there's anything we can do to help, let us know at hn@ycombinator.com.
    - hestipod 9y ago
      You're a good person dang...thanks.
  - jacquesm 9y ago
    If I can help in any way feel free to mail me.

TAAndreas 9y ago

I'm sorry both to hear you're facing this kind of problems and that you now seem to have lost a way to deal with it. I reached out to the police for tevlon b/c a) I'm in the same country b) I felt I could properly assess the implications my action had c) I felt those are mainly positive (I actually did have the concerns you raised in mind, but felt I carefully weighed the pros and cons) d) If at all possible being forced to take a medical treatment is extremely unlikely here (and the vast majority of medical treatments is covered by your obligatory medical insurance here) e) Together with the other information I gathered the situation seemed way more serious than it would have seemed with the post's information only But also f) I generally do consider suicidal thoughts sth serious and not at all "normal" in the sense of being sth you don't have to take care of (which does not mean that going through what you paint to be the implications of a police call in your country seems like a proper way to take care of it for me). I'm not telling you all this to justify, but a) to show you that I really did take my action and its implications serious and b) this was a decision tailored to this very specific situation. I don't know what exactly you were about to post and I can of course only speak for myself but solely the fact that you're in another country already "breaks" the chain of arguments presented above that justified calling the police for me, so even without you telling me the implications you see a police call would have, it would be extremely unlikely for me to actually call the police on you. More particularly that a) now you clearly voiced your concerns and disapproved of the police being called on you and b) you consider your situation not constituting immediate danger I can't imagine anyone still doing so. Still: I can only talk for myself and as soon as you post sth publicly, you of course never know who will read it and how they will react. Long story short: I really am sorry both for your situation and for me making you hesitate in taking a step that might help you in your situation. I don't want to convince you anything but I actually don't consider the risk of you unwantedly finding yourself in the situation you described when you explicitly state not wanting it. Therefore, if you feel that this would help you, you might reconsider your decision. To be fair: You seem not to be the only one, opposed of what I did considering the downvotes I got.

hestipod 9y ago
Sorry if I made you feel bad. I just feel very uncomfortable with the massive invasion of privacy and submission of all the OP's details to the police (which is a record that can hurt him later) and I don't know how to personally reconcile that with his being ok with the outcome. I fully admit I view this through my own clouded lens. I can understand how someone outside would think it's the "right" thing to do but I have seen it cause harm many times as well and selfishly perhaps fear it doing so in my case as well. Some people intervene out of pure goodwill, some do so to feel special or good and it's entirely about them, some do to cause strife. Sometimes the result is positive, although I would argue in the OP's case if a "scare" is all it took his situation wasn't that dire. Again perhaps that's too myopic and self centered since mine and many others I see are in dire states, and I am judging or jealous or someone who could "fix" things. I am truly glad for him and anyone else who can survive. I just can't help but twitch at the worry of sinking more. I wouldn't want someone to NOT help if they felt they could, but too often that help is running right to "authority" which is not as helpful as imagined and so often makes things worse. I wish people would take more time to be human and approach the human rather than say "I called 911/112 whatever and did my part". I have shared intimate details with people only to be betrayed so often I fear this at every turn. I don't know what to do or think about it anymore. Regarding suicidal thoughts, they ARE normal for many people and perfectly rational given their conditions and length of suffering. It's not an attitude problem or something therapy or pills can fix. Sometimes those things can help COPE temporarily but it's not a fix of the root cause. I know it's hard to understand that if you have never been there and there was a time I would swear I could NEVER think that was valid but experiences changes you. In my view nobody wants to die, even when they claim so, they just want the pain to end and can't find a way here in life...sometimes because there simply IS no way...others because they can't get the real and tangible help they need.
- tevlon 9y ago
  I agree. It is very unsettling to hear that a stranger "stalked the st out of you" and i would prefer direct help. > Regarding suicidal thoughts, they ARE normal for many people and perfectly rational given their conditions and length of suffering. It's not an attitude problem or something therapy or pills can fix. Sometimes those things can help COPE temporarily but it's not a fix of the root cause. I know it's hard to understand that if you have never been there and there was a time I would swear I could NEVER think that was valid but experiences changes you. In my view nobody wants to die, even when they claim so, they just want the pain to end and can't find a way here in life...sometimes because there simply IS no way...others because they can't get the real and tangible help they need. i agree alot. I had a hard time in my 20's. My parents live in another country. I was living in this "new" city on my own with problems i couldn't handle. I was always on the brink of being homeless. I didn't want to take counseling mainly because they wouldn't fix the root of my problems: No income, but a lot of debts. What if i took 3 Months of therapy? I would still have my debts. It is important to find the root cause and tackle it directly. Don't get me wrong: Therapy can help alot. But the therapist is not going to get a job for you. I had to do it on my own. It was even hard to get out of bed for me. But i did. Because of the wake up call. We live in a society where 90% of the people have to work for their status. If you don't work, you don't have money. I don't like the idea of "making a living". Living should be a human right. But the reality is: it isn't. You have to work in order to have a place to sleep or get food. Living on Food stamps only keeps you alive. You are not part of society. In hindsight, i did miserable comparing to all my friends (most of them PhD students). But i am a huge success comparing to the vast majority of people who are living in 3rd world countries. Back then i had forgotten how lucky i am to be born in a rich country. Today i still live a simple life, cause i use every extra penny to pay my debts, but i am grateful for what i have! And one day, i can have a vacation. Something i didn't have in 8years.

icantdrive55 9y ago

It suprised me too. It sounds like he really benefited from the police tracking down his IP. He did say he was suicidal? The cultural differences on this site do suprise me somedays. There are times when I hear something, and think they couldn't be talking about living in the USA. It usually something like social services/police really helping people. I don't think this would ever happen in the USA. Why--because authorities don't care, or most people realize any knock on the door by police might make life more difficult for the seemingly distraught person. This attidute towards authorities must change, and we--the citizens, are not the ones whom need to be retrained, and refocused. It the poeople in authority. They should be required to help, instead of being Revenue Collectors, and ruining people's lives over being over zealous ego maniacs. Maybe German police aren't the paramilitary monsters we call our protectors? Sorry folks--I've been harassed by cops my entire life. They have pulled me over for no reason, and I have paid rediculious fees/fines. I have seen them abuse their power in so many instances, I just don't see the good. They make most situations much worse. (Yes--I used some harsh language. And yes, I know the cop you know is different. I don't want to debate.) I glad the call for help turned out well for him though. I will not share as much as I do though. Tracking down my IP, by someone who cares, was the last thing on my mind. It reminded me to hide my IP again.

dang 9y ago

You could make a throwaway account. It's legit to do that when there's sensitive information in a post, and many people have reached out to the community that way when in a hard spot. tevlon didn't do it that way, which is fine too of course, but you could.

hestipod 9y ago
I appreciate the input dang (your username always makes me chuckle in a good way), but I have said enough already on HN it would be trivial to connect the dots. I need to think about how to proceed. I probably shouldn't have said anything and in the end the OP is better off so that's a win, things seem to poke me a little harder than they probably should anymore and I know my perspective is not some universal truth.
- dang 9y ago
  Ok. If there's anything we can do to help, let us know at hn@ycombinator.com.
  - hestipod 9y ago
    You're a good person dang...thanks.
- jacquesm 9y ago
  If I can help in any way feel free to mail me.