First, forgive yourself. You examine the situation and see how the actions you took met some of your needs (which is why you took them) but not others (which is

First, forgive yourself. You examine the situation and see how the actions you took met some of your needs (which is why you took them) but not others (which is why you need to forgive). You’re basically coming clean with yourself first so that you can be solid with the rest of the world. The way you forgive is to understand how these actions served and how they did not and recognize that at the moment of taking them you weren’t present to the second part, or deprioritized it etc. And you spend a minute feel the emotion associated with that lack of awareness or choice. That’s the alchemy which changes your state and the state of the world. It’s simple but I usually need to teach it face to face. Then, after you’re clean with yourself, you can communicate with the person who you want to apologize to. - what happened, in factual, concrete language (“in the Wednesday meeting I said I’d be surprised if your code didn’t bomb, in front of the team.”) - what you feel in the moment of the apology. Needs to match what you actually feel (not think) or its a lie. (“I am feeling some sadness and shame.”) - what values/universal needs did the actions not accomplish, and possibly, hoped to accomplish. You figured these in the self forgiveness part. (“I realize it’s important for me to be respectful to my peers. And inclusive. The way I want to be respected and included. These words were not either. I tried to make a joke, but forgot about the rest. I apologize, wish I hadn’t done that.” And, if your introspection had this element, “I must admit I was annoyed by the issues in your last two commits because I had to stay after hours to do fixes. My remark communicated some of that but was not clear nor constructive nor respectful.”) Then, you can - check if they understand (this may be too formal for casual environments but can vary from “can you tell me what you heard me say?” to “how is it for you to hear this?”) - check if you need to make amends. (“Would you like me to have a conversation with Bob and make it clear that despite two commits with issues, I do believe that you produce good quality — because that’s what I really think — and that I’d do a code review with you?”) The big picture is: reconnect to yourself, come clean with yourself, connect + come clean with the other. Be and make it clear that you’re in the same side. When you are clean with yourself and have grieved (strong word but actionable even in small situations. It takes one honest sigh. ) the repercussions of the actions, you are able to own up to them because you know why you took them. Very hard to manipulate / shame / guilt. It is based on NVC. Edit: fixed typos.