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> Another way is to make the apology conditional, which is really a form of polite demand (ie, demanding the conditional aspect of the apology with the threat o

> Another way is to make the apology conditional, which is really a form of polite demand (ie, demanding the conditional aspect of the apology with the threat of doing whatever the apology was for). This is subtle and can be quite manipulative. People sometimes recognise there is a problem but can't quite identify it. I’m having trouble grokking this: do you have an example?

roenxi 9y ago
"I'll apologise for eating your apple when you apologise for being late and making me wait." That is a basic example. This isn't going to be a genuine apology, even if the apple-eater says sorry it is in context of something more akin to a negotiation. There is an implicit "if you cause me trouble, I am morally free to eat your apple in retaliation". There is no element of regret or mistake in this 'apology', which robs it of genuine impact. Incidentally, that sort of negotiation in this example is a bad idea because it immediately entangles actions (eg, being late), guilt (something has happened that demands an apology, ie, hurt must be immediately acknowledged) and a level of threat (future actions may still be met with retaliation because it was justified this time). If you reflect on that little 'apology' you can have quite a fun armchair psychology experience picking apart all the ways it conflates emotion, intent and action in ways that are unlikely to be helpful. Using the same approach on a subject more important than food can cause real damage. Many people would probably struggle to pick what was going wrong though, because on the surface it might look like an apology.