I think some of the problem is in the way we apologise. In English we say "I'm sorry", which literally means "I have sorrow" -- or "I feel bad". From that con

I think some of the problem is in the way we apologise. In English we say "I'm sorry", which literally means "I have sorrow" -- or "I feel bad". From that context, I personally don't like apologies. I don't want people to feel bad. Receiving an apology is not a revenge kind of thing. When I moved to Japan and learned Japanese, I realised that they have a different way to say it: "sumimasen", or in English, "it doesn't end (here)". In that context and apology is a way of saying that you have reflected on the incident and you are continuing to reflect upon it. You aren't just going to ignore the situation. People often bring up the issue of guilt wrt apologies. In the west, our punishment systems are guilt based. If you do something wrong you are a bad person and you must be punished. But an apology does not have to mean that. An apology is taking responsibility for your part in the incident. It can be viewed as the opposite of being a bad person: you are acknowledging what happened and are intent on acting on that information. There is a kind of "formula" for a good apology. First, you need to acknowledge the other person's feelings. It's kind of pointless from a "how do I make this better" perspective, but many people are blinded by their own emotions. If you don't acknowledge them, then they will fixate on that emotion and won't get beyond it. Even saying, "I can see that you are upset and I think I understand why" is usually enough. Second, you need to indicate that you understand what the issue is. You should summarise why you think there is a problem and you should ask the other person for verification. After dealing with acknowledging their feelings, it is vital that you agree on the facts. It is best to avoid discussing feelings at this point -- only discuss what actually happened. Finally, you need to indicate how you will change your behaviour to make things better. It's often the case that you don't know what to do. A good technique is to ask the other person what they suggest. If you still can't come up with anything good, even saying "I don't actually know how to improve the situation, but I will continue to work on it in the future" will be incredibly useful. In this way, you help the other person move beyond their current emotional state, you clear up any confusion about the facts and you create a plan to make things better in the future. This is useful, not just for the other person, but for you as well. There is no need to feel guilty or bad.