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I think the difference is the individual's personal experience with apologies. For me in my life, I've apologized mostly insincerely to placate emotionally uns

I think the difference is the individual's personal experience with apologies. For me in my life, I've apologized mostly insincerely to placate emotionally unstable and abusive people. I've also had apologies demanded of me by mostly those same people, usually as a tactic to get an admission of guilt to use as leverage to escalate the conflict and justify higher degrees of abuse. If I played a lot of soccer and accidentally kicked people in the shins a lot growing up, I'd probably feel differently.

DoreenMichele 9y ago
I spent many months withdrawing from medication while participating on a particular email list. During that time, I often said things in a less than stellar fashion and I repeatedly wrote sincere, heartfelt apologies and posted them publicly to the list. The result: I became everyone's bitch. People could randomly start shit with me because they just felt like being an asshole that day and the entire list would go "There she goes again!" and blame it entirely on me and start some beat down. This is the exact opposite of the result I would have expected. I would have thought it would prove I was a decent, respectful person who deserved respect in return etc. Nope. I write a lot fewer apologies these days because most people are just assholes and I have no plans to volunteer to be their bitch.
- gowld 9y ago
  Maybe the particular email list vis-a-viz your expectiation was the problem? Seems like it was a sparring ring, which is fine if that's what you want from it, but not if it's not.
  - DoreenMichele 9y ago
    I don't think so. I do think some social environments are particularly bad about things like that. But it is really rare for people to be genuinely respectful. A lot of genuinely nice people just never have it come back to them. They just keep getting taken advantage of. Everyone expects them to be "nice" in the face of terrible behavior. If they get fed up with it, they get accused of being in the wrong. This seems to be tied to that thing I hate so much: pecking order. Apologizing doesn't signal you are decent, honorable etc. It signals you are low man on the totem pole. And it opens a door on horrible social crap. Good luck closing it once it is open. Best to just not open it.
- AnimalMuppet 9y ago
  It depends on your audience. If your audience is emotionally healthy people, they see an apology as you saying "That thing I just did? Yeah, that's not what I think normal, acceptable behavior is." That makes them more willing to give you a free pass for the time you messed up (because we all know that we all mess up from time to time). If your audience is bullies, control freaks, and other such jerks, an apology is handing them a loaded gun that they can point at your head. If your audience is mixed, I have no idea what course to suggest...

DoreenMichele 9y ago

I spent many months withdrawing from medication while participating on a particular email list. During that time, I often said things in a less than stellar fashion and I repeatedly wrote sincere, heartfelt apologies and posted them publicly to the list. The result: I became everyone's bitch. People could randomly start shit with me because they just felt like being an asshole that day and the entire list would go "There she goes again!" and blame it entirely on me and start some beat down. This is the exact opposite of the result I would have expected. I would have thought it would prove I was a decent, respectful person who deserved respect in return etc. Nope. I write a lot fewer apologies these days because most people are just assholes and I have no plans to volunteer to be their bitch.

gowld 9y ago
Maybe the particular email list vis-a-viz your expectiation was the problem? Seems like it was a sparring ring, which is fine if that's what you want from it, but not if it's not.
- DoreenMichele 9y ago
  I don't think so. I do think some social environments are particularly bad about things like that. But it is really rare for people to be genuinely respectful. A lot of genuinely nice people just never have it come back to them. They just keep getting taken advantage of. Everyone expects them to be "nice" in the face of terrible behavior. If they get fed up with it, they get accused of being in the wrong. This seems to be tied to that thing I hate so much: pecking order. Apologizing doesn't signal you are decent, honorable etc. It signals you are low man on the totem pole. And it opens a door on horrible social crap. Good luck closing it once it is open. Best to just not open it.
AnimalMuppet 9y ago
It depends on your audience. If your audience is emotionally healthy people, they see an apology as you saying "That thing I just did? Yeah, that's not what I think normal, acceptable behavior is." That makes them more willing to give you a free pass for the time you messed up (because we all know that we all mess up from time to time). If your audience is bullies, control freaks, and other such jerks, an apology is handing them a loaded gun that they can point at your head. If your audience is mixed, I have no idea what course to suggest...