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We found out that a neighbor we were friendly with for years had sexually abused their kids. I would not advise anyone to trust someone because of where they c

We found out that a neighbor we were friendly with for years had sexually abused their kids. I would not advise anyone to trust someone because of where they chose to live / they wave when you're mowing your lawn.

qserpent 9y ago
What a bleak perspective. What are the odds of being neighbors with a child predator? I'd bet they are incredibly small. If a neighbor is nice, friendly, and you get to know them over a little bit of time, I'm betting problems arising from having them watch your kids is right around 0%.
- skate22 9y ago
  The odds are > 0. I cant tell you what to do with your kids, but this was a true experience that could happen to anyone. Bleak as it may be, some people will take advantage of trust.
loorinm 9y ago
That's one interpretation. What if you or other neighbors had been even friendlier, sooner. You may have found out about it sooner and been able to help stop it.
- skate22 9y ago
  We were never unfriendly. And its not exactly like they were making it publicly visible.
- mikestew 9y ago
  Go on, I'd like to hear how you think this would have played out. Buddy up to 'em long enough, and they'll let the cat out of the bag? Because, as disturbing as it was, I gave this an honest effort as a thought experiment, and I haven't come up with anything I'd rely on. Of the situations for which I've had more than a casual familiarity, it consistently comes out only after the fact.
  - loorinm 9y ago
    There are probably too many variables for us to speculate "what would have happened" in this situation. My comment is this: Generally and overwhelmingly, when a group of people is more interconnected and those connections are stronger, "bad" behavior gets found out and stopped faster. I think that's true of any group of people. Of course, "bad" = unacceptable to the group itself. Someone telling you "I did this bad thing" is not the only way for you to find out. I think if a child knows there is a way out, that there other people who care enough to take effective action, they might be more likely to tell someone. But often there is no one who cares that much. Teachers, neighbors, other parents, they're all "nice" but they aren't invested. What I'm talking about is a deep relationship, and that isn't a function of time spent together, or any other concrete fact. It's organic and emotional. We can grow those relationships if we choose to. I feel this is the only way to actually solve a lot of social problems that have been going on for decades now. Shooters, internet trolling, bullying, abuse, molestation, those people who pop up every year or so who have been hiding 15 children in a basement..etc
    - skate22 9y ago
      Trying to make kids comforatable enough to come forward is an after the fact action. There are people who are REALLY good at acting. As adults we get to choose what risks to take. Kids have that choice made for them. Also, kids who are too young might not even fully understand what's going on, so they might not be actively searching for a way out. I like your mentality of growing relationships with people, but when it comes to protecting kids i feel you owe it to them to be sceptical of others. The risk just isnt worth the free babysitter.
    - mikestew 9y ago
      Thank you for your reply. Though I think you’re being a bit idealistic, I do agree with the overall sentiment.

qserpent 9y ago

What a bleak perspective. What are the odds of being neighbors with a child predator? I'd bet they are incredibly small. If a neighbor is nice, friendly, and you get to know them over a little bit of time, I'm betting problems arising from having them watch your kids is right around 0%.

skate22 9y ago
The odds are > 0. I cant tell you what to do with your kids, but this was a true experience that could happen to anyone. Bleak as it may be, some people will take advantage of trust.

loorinm 9y ago

That's one interpretation. What if you or other neighbors had been even friendlier, sooner. You may have found out about it sooner and been able to help stop it.

skate22 9y ago
We were never unfriendly. And its not exactly like they were making it publicly visible.
mikestew 9y ago
Go on, I'd like to hear how you think this would have played out. Buddy up to 'em long enough, and they'll let the cat out of the bag? Because, as disturbing as it was, I gave this an honest effort as a thought experiment, and I haven't come up with anything I'd rely on. Of the situations for which I've had more than a casual familiarity, it consistently comes out only after the fact.
- loorinm 9y ago
  There are probably too many variables for us to speculate "what would have happened" in this situation. My comment is this: Generally and overwhelmingly, when a group of people is more interconnected and those connections are stronger, "bad" behavior gets found out and stopped faster. I think that's true of any group of people. Of course, "bad" = unacceptable to the group itself. Someone telling you "I did this bad thing" is not the only way for you to find out. I think if a child knows there is a way out, that there other people who care enough to take effective action, they might be more likely to tell someone. But often there is no one who cares that much. Teachers, neighbors, other parents, they're all "nice" but they aren't invested. What I'm talking about is a deep relationship, and that isn't a function of time spent together, or any other concrete fact. It's organic and emotional. We can grow those relationships if we choose to. I feel this is the only way to actually solve a lot of social problems that have been going on for decades now. Shooters, internet trolling, bullying, abuse, molestation, those people who pop up every year or so who have been hiding 15 children in a basement..etc
  - skate22 9y ago
    Trying to make kids comforatable enough to come forward is an after the fact action. There are people who are REALLY good at acting. As adults we get to choose what risks to take. Kids have that choice made for them. Also, kids who are too young might not even fully understand what's going on, so they might not be actively searching for a way out. I like your mentality of growing relationships with people, but when it comes to protecting kids i feel you owe it to them to be sceptical of others. The risk just isnt worth the free babysitter.
  - mikestew 9y ago
    Thank you for your reply. Though I think you’re being a bit idealistic, I do agree with the overall sentiment.