5 ms·

The number of people in this situation in this country is so huge people just cannot accept it and ignore it for their own bias/sanity. That woman is stronger t

The number of people in this situation in this country is so huge people just cannot accept it and ignore it for their own bias/sanity. That woman is stronger than me as I would never last out on the street and have always said I would end things when it gets to that point. The savings will run out soon enough and the last room in the last corner of the last resentful family I have is wearing thin, so my resolve will be tested sooner rather than later. I have avoided the addiction route so far as most drugs just make me feel worse, but I can completely see how it so easily happens to so many. There comes a time you just want ANYTHING to take away the pain or make you feel different if even for a moment. It's enraging to know what you need is very possible and being done elsewhere...but you aren't "allowed" that chance to live and people all around you are adamantly against it. I will never understand this cruelty and selfishness.

tripzilch 9y ago
(I really hope you still read this, because I didn't see your reply until five days later, sorry) I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you all the strength. Hugs. Good to hear you're avoiding addiction so far, it will sap your resolve like nothing else. Please also remember that alcohol is a terrible addictive hard drug that will drag you down just as easily as the illegal drugs would (in particular as soon as you use it for escape, like you describe). It's basically an unnecessary extra fight you have to fight in addition to all the other shit. I'm actually struggling with that a little myself, but the social help I can get here (as well as a super supportive family/parents), gives me relief and space needed to battle that too. Even with proper social support, mental health problems are super hard. Other people [including gov help] can't fight the fight in your head for you, just point one in the right direction, provide motivation, and perhaps take other weights off your shoulders. Sorry, I just read back your post and your problems are physical. The following advice remains the same. You may be able to find people that want to help. Just random good people are out there. But even if you find people willing/able to do that for you, it's a difficult and humbling search to find out how exactly they can unburden you without it actually costing you just as much energy. If there are people willing to help you, think very hard and make a good and clear plan. Be clear how exactly they can help you, especially the little things, that may be super easy for others and hard for you. You need to tell them explicitly and without shame. One other thing that is important is if you know a generous angel, is to discuss how often you need this help. Maybe your neighbour will help you with groceries or taking out the trash (or whatever), but if you actually depend on that help, while they're just happy to help out their neighbour this one time, you'll be expending as much energy finding someone to help you this week, and the next. I get that it's hard to ask someone offering help to help you even more, but if you understand what I'm saying you will be able to explain. Ask them to be honest and only offer you time they are comfortable with (and without regretting it after a while). Maybe they'll tell you they can realistically help you take out the trash once a month. That's cool, because that's one out of four weeks. But now you know someone you can depend on, you know what you're asking is not too much for them, you can feel better about getting the help, knowing this is what they're comfortable with. I'm not saying you should refuse one-time help, but that it's important to have this discussion (openly) so you know when (or if) you can depend on them again. The above is a piece of advice I got from a magazine that people in my country (Netherlands) receive when they are on long-term disability benefits (called "UWV Perspectief", for any Dutch still reading along). It's a great magazine (beautiful design and typography too :p), even if I find it hard to read because it's kind of confronting, I'm kind of amazed that this thing exists. I am so incredibly thankful for this aspect of my country. I'll be forever in its debt. I try to repay as much as I can by doing volunteer work, teaching kids programming and computer stuff, helping them studying for math tests (and just being a kind person to them--the place where I work has a social function for kids with difficult backgrounds too). That way I'm using the things that I learned studying Computational Science, all that knowledge I can't use in a "proper" (paying) job, because I can only do it for 10 hours per week (I need the other time mostly to rest, and keep my apartment in order, administrative stuff, laundry etc, which is equally taxing for me). It gives me meaning and feel I'm contributing to society (maybe even more than some paying jobs that people do; but that's a very personal opinion and I'm in no position to be on a high horse). I really hope that you pull through in some way or another, and find a way to live with ease.
- hestipod 9y ago
  Thank you for the response. I always appreciate well meaning people but the problem is there has never been any truly actionable advice. People tend to react one of two ways when you tell them "that hasn't worked"...either they retreat into silence or they attack out of defensiveness. This is universal in my experience no matter how I approach it. The only way to avoid one of these is to say "thank you I will try it" to make them feel good then retreat yourself. I have never met anyone who has survived in this situation who didn't have lots of help...either social support, family support, or both. I have none of that thus my hopelessness. I am clinging to Maslow's bottom rungs and expected to somehow "self actualize" nonetheless. I hate my life, hate where I live (country and location) and see no future. I have asked for help directly and clearly for over a decade and gotten ignored or blamed. Anytime I do ask for that help the results are ALWAYS the same...most people ignore, some get angry out of guilt or bother or whatever and attack, a handful offer contacts and commiseration and maybe one of those people actually respond but end up disappearing after giving me standard self help advice from books or forums that is always inapplicable or out of context. It's why at this point I just complain when I speak of things as I have learned asking doesn't change anything. I need practical, concrete, consistent help. If I had that I believe I could get some semblance of a life back and contribute...but after this long and things getting so much worse I am giving up as it's shown to be pointless. This country and culture is so anti everything I need and won't change in my lifetime if ever...and I cannot get myself established anywhere better for me. Knowing it's practically possible but I cannot access it has ruined me and I am just about done.
  - nkoren 9y ago
    I keep thinking about your situation. This is something that I really care about. In the long term I hope to shape society to deal better with these scenarios; in the short term, I'm living in a flatshare working on my startup for less than minimum wage, so capacity to do anything tangible is frustratingly limited. I've got a couple of dear friends in similar situations to yours. So far they're making do, because they've gotten lucky and found sheds in the back yards of sympathetic friends that they could live in long-term (or equivalent scenarios). Absence that kind of informal safety-net, their situations would be significantly more dire. I'm in the UK with long-term health issues that the NHS has been a godsend for -- but my visa status is uncertain, and being bounced back to America is always a risk. Health would be a major concern should that happen, and income concerns would follow shortly thereafter. My last-ditch backup plan, in that case, is to go mostly off-grid and move back to Arcosanti (www.arcosanti.org), where I (partially) grew up. The cost-of-living there would be wildly reduced, making financial survival possible unless my mobility/pain became 100% untenable. Maybe something like that would be viable for you?

tripzilch 9y ago

(I really hope you still read this, because I didn't see your reply until five days later, sorry) I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you all the strength. Hugs. Good to hear you're avoiding addiction so far, it will sap your resolve like nothing else. Please also remember that alcohol is a terrible addictive hard drug that will drag you down just as easily as the illegal drugs would (in particular as soon as you use it for escape, like you describe). It's basically an unnecessary extra fight you have to fight in addition to all the other shit. I'm actually struggling with that a little myself, but the social help I can get here (as well as a super supportive family/parents), gives me relief and space needed to battle that too. Even with proper social support, mental health problems are super hard. Other people [including gov help] can't fight the fight in your head for you, just point one in the right direction, provide motivation, and perhaps take other weights off your shoulders. Sorry, I just read back your post and your problems are physical. The following advice remains the same. You may be able to find people that want to help. Just random good people are out there. But even if you find people willing/able to do that for you, it's a difficult and humbling search to find out how exactly they can unburden you without it actually costing you just as much energy. If there are people willing to help you, think very hard and make a good and clear plan. Be clear how exactly they can help you, especially the little things, that may be super easy for others and hard for you. You need to tell them explicitly and without shame. One other thing that is important is if you know a generous angel, is to discuss how often you need this help. Maybe your neighbour will help you with groceries or taking out the trash (or whatever), but if you actually depend on that help, while they're just happy to help out their neighbour this one time, you'll be expending as much energy finding someone to help you this week, and the next. I get that it's hard to ask someone offering help to help you even more, but if you understand what I'm saying you will be able to explain. Ask them to be honest and only offer you time they are comfortable with (and without regretting it after a while). Maybe they'll tell you they can realistically help you take out the trash once a month. That's cool, because that's one out of four weeks. But now you know someone you can depend on, you know what you're asking is not too much for them, you can feel better about getting the help, knowing this is what they're comfortable with. I'm not saying you should refuse one-time help, but that it's important to have this discussion (openly) so you know when (or if) you can depend on them again. The above is a piece of advice I got from a magazine that people in my country (Netherlands) receive when they are on long-term disability benefits (called "UWV Perspectief", for any Dutch still reading along). It's a great magazine (beautiful design and typography too :p), even if I find it hard to read because it's kind of confronting, I'm kind of amazed that this thing exists. I am so incredibly thankful for this aspect of my country. I'll be forever in its debt. I try to repay as much as I can by doing volunteer work, teaching kids programming and computer stuff, helping them studying for math tests (and just being a kind person to them--the place where I work has a social function for kids with difficult backgrounds too). That way I'm using the things that I learned studying Computational Science, all that knowledge I can't use in a "proper" (paying) job, because I can only do it for 10 hours per week (I need the other time mostly to rest, and keep my apartment in order, administrative stuff, laundry etc, which is equally taxing for me). It gives me meaning and feel I'm contributing to society (maybe even more than some paying jobs that people do; but that's a very personal opinion and I'm in no position to be on a high horse). I really hope that you pull through in some way or another, and find a way to live with ease.

hestipod 9y ago
Thank you for the response. I always appreciate well meaning people but the problem is there has never been any truly actionable advice. People tend to react one of two ways when you tell them "that hasn't worked"...either they retreat into silence or they attack out of defensiveness. This is universal in my experience no matter how I approach it. The only way to avoid one of these is to say "thank you I will try it" to make them feel good then retreat yourself. I have never met anyone who has survived in this situation who didn't have lots of help...either social support, family support, or both. I have none of that thus my hopelessness. I am clinging to Maslow's bottom rungs and expected to somehow "self actualize" nonetheless. I hate my life, hate where I live (country and location) and see no future. I have asked for help directly and clearly for over a decade and gotten ignored or blamed. Anytime I do ask for that help the results are ALWAYS the same...most people ignore, some get angry out of guilt or bother or whatever and attack, a handful offer contacts and commiseration and maybe one of those people actually respond but end up disappearing after giving me standard self help advice from books or forums that is always inapplicable or out of context. It's why at this point I just complain when I speak of things as I have learned asking doesn't change anything. I need practical, concrete, consistent help. If I had that I believe I could get some semblance of a life back and contribute...but after this long and things getting so much worse I am giving up as it's shown to be pointless. This country and culture is so anti everything I need and won't change in my lifetime if ever...and I cannot get myself established anywhere better for me. Knowing it's practically possible but I cannot access it has ruined me and I am just about done.
- nkoren 9y ago
  I keep thinking about your situation. This is something that I really care about. In the long term I hope to shape society to deal better with these scenarios; in the short term, I'm living in a flatshare working on my startup for less than minimum wage, so capacity to do anything tangible is frustratingly limited. I've got a couple of dear friends in similar situations to yours. So far they're making do, because they've gotten lucky and found sheds in the back yards of sympathetic friends that they could live in long-term (or equivalent scenarios). Absence that kind of informal safety-net, their situations would be significantly more dire. I'm in the UK with long-term health issues that the NHS has been a godsend for -- but my visa status is uncertain, and being bounced back to America is always a risk. Health would be a major concern should that happen, and income concerns would follow shortly thereafter. My last-ditch backup plan, in that case, is to go mostly off-grid and move back to Arcosanti (www.arcosanti.org), where I (partially) grew up. The cost-of-living there would be wildly reduced, making financial survival possible unless my mobility/pain became 100% untenable. Maybe something like that would be viable for you?