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"Loneliness is distinct from the number of friends a person has or how much time he or she spends alone, but is rather defined by a longing for greater social i

by firasd 9y ago

"Loneliness is distinct from the number of friends a person has or how much time he or she spends alone, but is rather defined by a longing for greater social interaction." I think this is a good distinction to make. Something I've been realizing from the way I see other people talk about and deal with being alone in situations, is that I have a much higher-than-usual tolerance for solitude. (Maybe a trait shared by others here on HN because of our interests and pastimes?) I'm pretty sure I can be in an isolated place for months at a time. (Of course I'd want the internet, books, music etc... being alone like in The Shining or in solitary confinement is a whole different situation.)

zzzzzzzza 9y ago
I can second your observation. With me though I do like to go out in public/to different locations (e.g. library or park) even if I don't actually interact with people there (whereas being alone in a room for months on end would be quite unpleasant, then again even if there was another person there it would probably still be unpleasant).
bigiain 9y ago
For me, it's more than just a "tolerance for solitude", I feel I have an occasional active desire for solitude. A few times a year I'll explicitly hide out for the weekend and avoid all outside communication. It's probably one of the reasons I like motorcyling so much - even when I'm out riding with friends, there's a thing a friend of mine calls "shared solitude" when your alone inside your helmet even if you've got 4 or 5 friends along for the ride - I often spend a day "out riding with friends" when really, we just stop and meet up every 2 hours for fuel/food, and spend the rest of our time alone but riding in close proximity.
snarf21 9y ago
I agree. Too often we forget that connection is a human thing. We think that snapping funny faces 4 times a day makes us connected but it is the opposite. One thing that I noticed when I started online dating is that it was really easy to get to know things about someone but really hard to get to know them. What really makes them them? It takes human interaction to learn that.
- idrios 9y ago
  I'd say instead of calling it the opposite of human connection, it's more like a fraction of what human connection is. It's just enough to quell the desire to meet up with people in real life, but it's not enough to make it feel very meaningful.
  - musage 9y ago
    Air with 0.00002% oxygen isn't technically the "opposite" of breathable air either, but if it fills the lungs ("quells" the space for other air), the effects are the "opposite" of the purpose of breathing.
proactivesvcs 9y ago
I saw a beautifully succinct quote on reddit a few years back: "The difference between loneliness and solitude is a matter of perception."
JBlue42 9y ago
Same. As long as I have my books, I'm a happy man. I know it's not healthy but I have stayed in my apartment for a few days at a time and not really noticed. Cabin fever catches up eventually and it's always great to see friends though I find I have to slow down sometimes when talking to them.
JeanMarcS 9y ago
Maybe it’s because you (we) are looking for it and not undergoing it ?
- brango 9y ago
  While some people may seek aloneness, I can't imagine anyone seeking loneliness.
probablybroken 9y ago
I'm much the same, but I'd say that regular contact with people does have a levelling effect - it's harder for stress to take hold long term, and it provides a distraction from whatever negative internal dialogue you may suffer. Also, the longer you spend not interacting with others, the less practised and potentially more problematic it may become.
ionised 9y ago
I don't tolerate solitude, I actively seek it out most of the time.
icc97 9y ago
You're lonely if you have solitude but want social interaction. It's very easy to enjoy solitude if it's only temporary. If during that period you lose the friends you had, eg moving country, it can be very hard to build up connections again. Then if you do want social interaction again, suddenly you can't have it and you become lonely. So don't be too smug about enjoying solitude. Don't lose the important interactions as you never know when you'll need them. The amount of time involved here matters. Do you enjoy solitude for a week/month/year/decade. Do you want that solitude when you're 80?
- firasd 9y ago
  Yeah I don't necessarily seek out solitude, just noticing as a personality trait that I'm more OK with it than many other people. I always have something going on whether it's work, personal projects, etc. so I don't mind if, for example, I'm sitting in an office by myself. Whereas others want more of a 'buzz' around them. That kinda thing.

by firasd 9y ago

zzzzzzzza 9y ago

I can second your observation. With me though I do like to go out in public/to different locations (e.g. library or park) even if I don't actually interact with people there (whereas being alone in a room for months on end would be quite unpleasant, then again even if there was another person there it would probably still be unpleasant).

bigiain 9y ago

For me, it's more than just a "tolerance for solitude", I feel I have an occasional active desire for solitude. A few times a year I'll explicitly hide out for the weekend and avoid all outside communication. It's probably one of the reasons I like motorcyling so much - even when I'm out riding with friends, there's a thing a friend of mine calls "shared solitude" when your alone inside your helmet even if you've got 4 or 5 friends along for the ride - I often spend a day "out riding with friends" when really, we just stop and meet up every 2 hours for fuel/food, and spend the rest of our time alone but riding in close proximity.

snarf21 9y ago

I agree. Too often we forget that connection is a human thing. We think that snapping funny faces 4 times a day makes us connected but it is the opposite. One thing that I noticed when I started online dating is that it was really easy to get to know things about someone but really hard to get to know them. What really makes them them? It takes human interaction to learn that.

idrios 9y ago
I'd say instead of calling it the opposite of human connection, it's more like a fraction of what human connection is. It's just enough to quell the desire to meet up with people in real life, but it's not enough to make it feel very meaningful.
- musage 9y ago
  Air with 0.00002% oxygen isn't technically the "opposite" of breathable air either, but if it fills the lungs ("quells" the space for other air), the effects are the "opposite" of the purpose of breathing.

proactivesvcs 9y ago

I saw a beautifully succinct quote on reddit a few years back: "The difference between loneliness and solitude is a matter of perception."

JBlue42 9y ago

Same. As long as I have my books, I'm a happy man. I know it's not healthy but I have stayed in my apartment for a few days at a time and not really noticed. Cabin fever catches up eventually and it's always great to see friends though I find I have to slow down sometimes when talking to them.

JeanMarcS 9y ago

Maybe it’s because you (we) are looking for it and not undergoing it ?

brango 9y ago
While some people may seek aloneness, I can't imagine anyone seeking loneliness.

probablybroken 9y ago

I'm much the same, but I'd say that regular contact with people does have a levelling effect - it's harder for stress to take hold long term, and it provides a distraction from whatever negative internal dialogue you may suffer. Also, the longer you spend not interacting with others, the less practised and potentially more problematic it may become.

ionised 9y ago

I don't tolerate solitude, I actively seek it out most of the time.

icc97 9y ago

You're lonely if you have solitude but want social interaction. It's very easy to enjoy solitude if it's only temporary. If during that period you lose the friends you had, eg moving country, it can be very hard to build up connections again. Then if you do want social interaction again, suddenly you can't have it and you become lonely. So don't be too smug about enjoying solitude. Don't lose the important interactions as you never know when you'll need them. The amount of time involved here matters. Do you enjoy solitude for a week/month/year/decade. Do you want that solitude when you're 80?

firasd 9y ago
Yeah I don't necessarily seek out solitude, just noticing as a personality trait that I'm more OK with it than many other people. I always have something going on whether it's work, personal projects, etc. so I don't mind if, for example, I'm sitting in an office by myself. Whereas others want more of a 'buzz' around them. That kinda thing.