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Replying to the article I thought this would be, rather than the article that’s here: I feel this really hard right now. I’m in a polyamorous relationship with

Replying to the article I thought this would be, rather than the article that’s here: I feel this really hard right now. I’m in a polyamorous relationship with a married woman; I live with her and her husband. I’m trying to build a practice around writing every day. I found a hole in the functional programming literature that I’m well suited to fill. Every time I sit down to write, words are flowing effortlessly, and I’ve gotten positive feedback so far. What I find is that engaging with day to day, normal relationship affirming behaviors (“good morning!”), going on dates, etc edge out space in my head for this other thing. I have space to think deeply about one and a half things. Frequently I feel like I need to disconnect from her emotionally to have space to think about anything else. I haven’t ever heard anyone else describe this experience. I wonder if others experience this?I thought this article might be about it. I have a lot of symptoms of high functioning autism, though, so maybe this is just the less maladapted version of getting upset that I can’t go read train schedules.

hprotagonist 9y ago
This is a pretty common experience. Thinking Very Hard about something challenging takes all of my head, and I kind of have to lock myself in a bare room to make it really work.
GuiA 9y ago
I've had similar problems in past relationships - for some of my partners, if they were anywhere within earshot of me, I could not get anything productive done. The mere feeling of their presence made me think of them, feel like I had to interact with them, etc.. The partners with whom this did not happen were people who were as, if not more, driven than me when it came to working on side projects. They might be 3 feet away from me, but they're so deeply focused on what they're doing that it's contagious. It's hard to retroactively put into words, but the reality is that for some partners, any presence of theirs distracted me whereas others were so good at behaving as if they were alone that it made me believe that I was alone as well. My take is that some people, even if you really like them in many ways, are just not great for you to be around. (It is worth noting that I have a hard time focusing in general.)
- Swizec 9y ago
  > I've had similar problems in past relationships - for some of my partners, if they were anywhere within earshot of me, I could not get anything productive done. The mere feeling of their presence made me think of them, feel like I had to interact with them, etc.. This happens to me a lot. I have found 3 things are key to solving the problem: 1) Having an honest conversation with your Person about interacting with you during work hours. When you're working you do not exist. Eventually they get the hang of it and leave you be. 2) Noise cancelling headphones or some other form of controlling the soundscape around you. I find music helps me ignore distracting things happening around me. 3) A physical space dedicated to working. This helps both from building healthy habits and tricking your brain into work mode and from signaling to people around you that you are now working and are not to be disturbed unless you come out and interact first. The part I have yet to figure out and probably never will is how to translate these habits into the day job office. Coworkers have a hard time understanding the idea of "leave you alone" because part of the job is to be available for questions and teamwork. Can't have it all I guess. Also, I have found this to be an issue more when I'm writing than when I'm coding and mostly just when I'm getting started. Once I'm in the flow you could set off a bomb near me and even if I did notice I'd just get right back to it.
tzakrajs 9y ago
Also polyamorous, also living with symptoms of autism, also feeling the need to disconnect emotionally from my partner(s) when I need to focus on my side projects or work. My last primary partner was technical and so we would hack for hours on stuff and it was very much a different experience. My current primary partner is non-technical so the things we do together are non-technical. Maybe your partner isn't a good fit? Edit: Or maybe it's a fantastic fit and you ought to get used to being less of a technical fanatic.
- roflc0ptic 9y ago
  That sounds lovely. Mine is a therapist, and in lieu of hacking we have a rich dialog on how to live in a world with other people. I am fortunate to have a partner who is willing to face head on that I will never consent to making her my first priority. Just gotta keep making changes until something works. Worst comes to worst, an in-law suite will probably do the trick.
- Cthulhu_ 9y ago
  I'm going to keep your phrase about needing to disconnect emotionally; I have something similar but I didn't have the right words to explain it. Thanks <3
neutronicus 9y ago
I think that's a pretty normal experience. If you look at HN threads about remote work, you'll always find a few people saying that they rented offices specifically because they need to be away from their partners to be productive. I know that my partner tends to feel neglected if I'm there, in the room, concentrating on something, and now I get too anxious about this reaction to go into flow-state around her anyways. So I actually go to the office a lot more than when I was single.
- hycaria 9y ago
  I always wonder if this sort of inspiration is so one sided in a relationship that people can't understand and accept when/that you're just not mentally available.
  - neutronicus 9y ago
    My partner definitely also concentrates intensely on work or a project sometimes, and will snap at me for interrupting. She just gets upset about being "ignored", which is basically being in the same room with her and not mentally available (with strict requirements on response latency). Luckily for our relationship, this is triggered by my physical presence, so I can be productive as long as I get out of the house.

hprotagonist 9y ago

This is a pretty common experience. Thinking Very Hard about something challenging takes all of my head, and I kind of have to lock myself in a bare room to make it really work.

GuiA 9y ago

I've had similar problems in past relationships - for some of my partners, if they were anywhere within earshot of me, I could not get anything productive done. The mere feeling of their presence made me think of them, feel like I had to interact with them, etc.. The partners with whom this did not happen were people who were as, if not more, driven than me when it came to working on side projects. They might be 3 feet away from me, but they're so deeply focused on what they're doing that it's contagious. It's hard to retroactively put into words, but the reality is that for some partners, any presence of theirs distracted me whereas others were so good at behaving as if they were alone that it made me believe that I was alone as well. My take is that some people, even if you really like them in many ways, are just not great for you to be around. (It is worth noting that I have a hard time focusing in general.)

Swizec 9y ago
> I've had similar problems in past relationships - for some of my partners, if they were anywhere within earshot of me, I could not get anything productive done. The mere feeling of their presence made me think of them, feel like I had to interact with them, etc.. This happens to me a lot. I have found 3 things are key to solving the problem: 1) Having an honest conversation with your Person about interacting with you during work hours. When you're working you do not exist. Eventually they get the hang of it and leave you be. 2) Noise cancelling headphones or some other form of controlling the soundscape around you. I find music helps me ignore distracting things happening around me. 3) A physical space dedicated to working. This helps both from building healthy habits and tricking your brain into work mode and from signaling to people around you that you are now working and are not to be disturbed unless you come out and interact first. The part I have yet to figure out and probably never will is how to translate these habits into the day job office. Coworkers have a hard time understanding the idea of "leave you alone" because part of the job is to be available for questions and teamwork. Can't have it all I guess. Also, I have found this to be an issue more when I'm writing than when I'm coding and mostly just when I'm getting started. Once I'm in the flow you could set off a bomb near me and even if I did notice I'd just get right back to it.

tzakrajs 9y ago

Also polyamorous, also living with symptoms of autism, also feeling the need to disconnect emotionally from my partner(s) when I need to focus on my side projects or work. My last primary partner was technical and so we would hack for hours on stuff and it was very much a different experience. My current primary partner is non-technical so the things we do together are non-technical. Maybe your partner isn't a good fit? Edit: Or maybe it's a fantastic fit and you ought to get used to being less of a technical fanatic.

roflc0ptic 9y ago
That sounds lovely. Mine is a therapist, and in lieu of hacking we have a rich dialog on how to live in a world with other people. I am fortunate to have a partner who is willing to face head on that I will never consent to making her my first priority. Just gotta keep making changes until something works. Worst comes to worst, an in-law suite will probably do the trick.
Cthulhu_ 9y ago
I'm going to keep your phrase about needing to disconnect emotionally; I have something similar but I didn't have the right words to explain it. Thanks <3

neutronicus 9y ago

I think that's a pretty normal experience. If you look at HN threads about remote work, you'll always find a few people saying that they rented offices specifically because they need to be away from their partners to be productive. I know that my partner tends to feel neglected if I'm there, in the room, concentrating on something, and now I get too anxious about this reaction to go into flow-state around her anyways. So I actually go to the office a lot more than when I was single.

hycaria 9y ago
I always wonder if this sort of inspiration is so one sided in a relationship that people can't understand and accept when/that you're just not mentally available.
- neutronicus 9y ago
  My partner definitely also concentrates intensely on work or a project sometimes, and will snap at me for interrupting. She just gets upset about being "ignored", which is basically being in the same room with her and not mentally available (with strict requirements on response latency). Luckily for our relationship, this is triggered by my physical presence, so I can be productive as long as I get out of the house.