OP here. Microsoft Support was truly useless. They wanted to charge $500 to speak to a representative. On a hunch, I suggested that ntoskrnl.exe be replaced on

OP here. Microsoft Support was truly useless. They wanted to charge $500 to speak to a representative. On a hunch, I suggested that ntoskrnl.exe be replaced on the impacted system. My friends at Microsoft used Windows 7 Recovery mode to overwrite the bad binary with the patched version. Voila.